My boyfriend has intrusive thoughts

[wavyblue12]

I've been with my partner for 9 years and we have a 3 year old daughter. We have had a really great relationship and we are very much in love with each other. Of course it isn't always rainbows and sunflowers but we are both happy. He is happy and has never shown me any different.

He recently told me that for the last couple months he has been having strange thoughts that he is 'worthless' and would be 'better off not here' - he says he doesn't understand how these thoughts happen as he has the perfect life and says he is not depressed. He says it's the after math of having these thoughts that gets to him as he doesn't realise why.

He works away out in the middle of nowhere and sometimes is alone, this is when he says he has these thoughts. That I would be better off without him and that no one should need to bother with him.

This couldn't be further from the truth. I am so worried about him. I love him so much and I don't want him to hurt. He won't go to the doctors and he says he does feel better that he has now told me he is having these thoughts as he has been dealing with it alone.

He says he doesn't actually think about how he would do it or actually doing it, but that they do enter his mind and he then feels awful for even thinking it.

Does anyone know why this may be happening or suggest anything I can do to help or try and stop this.

I think the main thing he could do to help is to speak to a professional - these thoughts could be coming from anywhere.

Personally my instructive thoughts are OCD related, but that is totally different for everyone else.

I understand he may feel better now he's told you, but there's an element of support he could perhaps do with from an external trained source? Does his company have an anonymous employee assistance programme at all? Ours does and it's totally anonymous so you can get advice from medical professionals if needed.

I think it's normal (or at least not unusual) to have thoughts like this - it's whether you feel controlled and overwhelmed by them or just accept them as another random silly thought and move on. I sometimes think 'oh my god what if i accidentally take off all my clothes jump up on this table and start dancing' - then I remember that that sort of thing doesn't just accidentally happen, that I have agency and that I've never done something like before - and move on. If he can accept these are just random silly thoughts and move on from them rather than dwelling on them and worrying about them then it might be really helpful to him.
The other thing is - maybe it's his head telling him it's time to look for a new job that is more social and less isolating.

My intrusive thoughts come from depression. On the surface I’m a happy person but even I didn’t realise what was going on below the surface. Agree with pp that he should seek help from a professional.

Agree he should see a professional.

He might be more receptive to that idea if you framed it as pre-emptive protection. So not, there's something wrong with you that needs fixing. More, this is something a professional can nip in the bud before it gets bad.

If he does sport he'll know the importance of stretching, warming up and warming down to prevent injury. He doesn't do that because there's anything wrong with him, he does it to prevent that.

We need to think of mental health in a similar way. Looking after our mental health means heeding warning signs and taking care of ourselves even if we don't have an actual mental health condition.

If he's worried enough to have told you about these intrusive thoughts I suspect they're a bit deeper than the fleeting ridiculous thoughts we all sometimes get.

This is the mental health equivalent of feeling a painful twinge in your ankle. Next day it feels fine. A week later it comes back. Then it goes again. But that's a sign to do some extra exercises to strengthen it, or to rest it for a while.

Completely with @Superdupes on this. I have all kinds of crazy thoughts including sometimes about stepping in front of a train. Also stripping in public; swearing loudly in a church etc. But I don’t attach importance to them. But if they’re really bothering him, he should speak to the GP and, as Super says, perhaps it’s a sign that he needs a more sociable job.

There is nothing you can do. His mental health is not your responsibility. He needs to see his GP

Have him look at this video on intrusive thoughts; once we realise they are both commonplace and harmless they lose the power to influence us and, as a result, they fade away;

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You've had some really good advice so far.

To establish, intrusive thoughts are unwanted thoughts that give you an uneasy/anxious spike - they come out of nowhere, and they're usually the polar opposite of your character. Like all thoughts, they're involuntary. For some people, these thoughts can get stuck. It's your body's way of protecting you (albeit falsely), the rush of emotion/anxiety that came in response to the thought prompts your brain to 'check in' - in a sort of 'this thought may need your attention' way.

If this 👆 is what your partner is experiencing, the best way of dealing is by labelling (it's an intrusive) and abandoning (let the thought drift off). Don't progress to ruminating.

IF, on the other hand, he's experiencing a genuine desire/want to no longer be here, then he needs to see his GP.

Thank you so much for all your responses so far. You have now idea how this helps. I just want him and us to be okay. I will speak to him further regarding and note some of your replies. Thank you.