Struggling to let go

[killwithkindness123]

Long story short.. Ive 3 kids with a man I spent 20 yrs of my life with
I would describe our relationship as emotionally abusive/controlling because of his insecurities but I loved him and I made a family with him and if I'm being honest I've become so co dependent on him I would never have left the relationship.
All our time was spent together, except when he was at work. I was a stay at home mum.
I can go into detail as to why in the relationship I thought there was control (if anyone cares to know) but he ended up walking out and leaving me Sept 22...
He left that night and as far as I know hooked up straight away with another woman much younger. Before he told me about her we were trying to make amends of things (I had all my flaws pointed out and how I turned him into this insecure man because I'm too friendly with the opposite sex) And unfortunately I've no come to believe all these traits he's laid out in front of me so feel I'm to blame for him leaving and for going elsewhere.
There's also the part that the much younger OW fell pregnant within 5-6 weeks of him leaving me. She's due at any moment.

I'm really struggling with everything. I'm struggling to let go of my relationship, I'm struggling with my children being so happy with the OW and so excited about the baby (don't get me wrong for my kids sake I'm glad they've adapted) but I'm finding it extremely difficult to listen to all this niceness and happiness about dad and the OW and how excited they are about the baby.

My ex has returned to me a few times and I'm ashamed to say i allowed myself to be taken in by him telling me he misses me, our life, being in our home with me etc. Sometimes I get late night calls from him, sometimes he looks to visit. And of course I know I've brought this on myself by allowing him to do so. But this is a man I put my entire life into, my hopes and dreams, I created a family with him (which took me 8 yrs May I add)
Our life was just us. I lost all my friends and connections outside of the relationship and in some ways my identity throughout all these yrs.
But now he's just left. He has ripped my entire world from beneath my feet. I'm broken by it all. I've struggled to get back out there to rebuild a life for myself as I'm terrified and if I'm honest I still have him somewhat on my back passing judgment or little jibes here and there.... Which makes mes question what way I'm living my life and how I'm going about things...

Hes made me believe this is all my own doing because he says he wanted to return only I made the thing of telling someone a few scenarios that went on within the relationship and now it's out there that other ppl know, so said that meant he wouldn't return as I've made him out to be this monster. That he wasn't this monster but my actions throughout our yrs together made him say or do certain things! He has me completely believing that he's correct. Yet then he flips and says "we don't know what the future holds/ I can't give up on hope for us" as it wasn't his intention to get this girl pregnant but has to do the right thing!

So with that being said that I blame myself for the breakdown of my relationship, I have those words in my head of hope (yet knowing my partner got another girl pregnant and decided to stay with her leaving me as a single mum who's struggling) but he's also managed to make me believe that's a product of my own doing as well...

Hes left me completely broken and unable to know what I need to do with my life. Because I was so isolated and co dependent on him I don't know how to cope on a daily basis that it's created a severe depression in me and the fact I've to see and hear all about him and the new gf seeing as we live in a small town and obvs our very young children tell me how happy dad is etc. I cant seem to shake this utter heart break I feel. I feel like I'm never going to get over this. Even the way I'm questioning myself about the emotional abuse as well....

He made a comment to me not so long ago... I had told him while we were together, he would do this with another woman (as I was regularly accused of x y z ) he reminded me of the comment I made and told me "I'm not like that with her, there's total trust there, I didn't have that with you" This other girl doesn't seem to deal with anything I endured in the relationship so it's made me think he's right, I was the problem.
I'm grieving my relationship, my old life, the fact I'm a single mum in my late 30s and loneliness and totally telling myself this is my own doing
Whilst watch my ex move on immediately with a younger woman, a new baby being born any day now and also a little prepare family with my kids as well... Its heartbreaking that I'm suffering so much yet there he is living this best life and I've been totally replaced in the flick of a switch after 20 yrs.

I'm dreading this part of the baby coming along and my kids being so happy about it and me having to play along like I'm happy for them when I'm screaming inside.
I'm haunted by everything in this house we shared for 15 yrs. I honestly don't know if I'm ever gonna get past this and I really feel like I was the problem and his next relationship will be healthy unlike what I dealt with...

I really need a handhold through this and I know I shouldn't have let him come and go back to me, but I fell for all the words and tears, I believed it. I'm now starting to see he was doing it to keep me sweet whilst going back to his new gf and feel really dumb about that too..
I should be glad to have this new found freedom but honestly it's scaring the life out if me and I'm stuck in a pit of being so broken about the breakdown of the relationship and man I'd never have left that I'm going through the darkest moments of my life.
I dont know what to do to make myself better or see light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm struggling to let go and feel so stupid for not having rage and hate in me

First off, I want to say that my heart goes out to you. I could only imagine the pain and heartache you are feeling right now. You did not deserve this treatment. Pull close to God in this moment because he is the only one who can give you the strength to pull through a situation of this magnitude. Start by praying and asking him to help you cope.

From what you wrote, you are a victim of emotional abuse, most likely by a covert narcissist. Some tell tale signs are: you were isolated from everyone, you were a SAHM which meant he financially controlled you, the way he is making his bad behavior your fault, are all red flags. The twisted logic he uses by claiming to be doing the “right thing” by abandoning a household with 3 children for 1 unborn child with a new woman, these are all manipulative tatics of many that covert narcissists use.

My ex was a covert narcissist so I know the brain fog and inability to think logically when the person you love is secretly undermining you. But guess what, I got out of it and I am thriving. You can too!

First step is to stop allowing him to use your body for gratification then going to the other woman who he chose over you. This will keep your mind stuck on him and he knows that. Do not sleep with him anymore. Limit contact to bare minimum as it pertains to the kids. If you can, let him take the kids for two weeks and you go on a vacation alone to get clarity about this situation. Don’t give him info on your plans either. Look at him as the enemy who tried to ruin your life because that’s what he is. Once you get space away from him, you will realize all the ways he manipulated you.

I’m so sorry you are going through this, what you’ve been through and are still going through is horrible. Your Ex-partner’s controlling abuse is vile and highly manipulative. The reason you aren’t feeling rage and joy that’s he’s left you is because he has systematically abused you and broken you over many many years. The way he’s now trying to use your children to abuse you further is horrendous! No way kids would come back saying ‘Daddy is so happy’ without him being behind it, feeding them lines.

HE is the problem not you! Let’s be honest he’s going to say he’s not like this with her, he’s not going to admit it and he’s saying it to abuse you further. I highly doubt it’s the truth.

Please, please try and arrange some counselling and help. Have you spoken to Women’s Aid? Whilst he is now in a new relationship he hasn’t severed his links with you and is still emotionally abusing you, this needs to stop and you may need help to make this happen.

How old are your children? How often does he have the kids and do they stay overnight there? I know this is daunting but could you use school/nursery time or whilst they are with him to look for a small part-time job? This may help you gain some independence but also help you rebuild your self esteem and confidence. Even if a job is too much at the moment, maybe even a exercise class or doing an activity you enjoy might help.

With regards to the new sibling, try and keep it light. Every time they mention it (and they will, especially as their vile Dad will probably prep them to), try to keep it bright and breezy with ‘Oh that’s nice, babies are so lovely’ and be ready with a topic changer, plans you have for the coming week, whether that’s school, nursery etc. Kids can be easily distracted.

The fact he is not physically living with you any longer is one less hurdle for you to overcome, however he still has control over you, that control needs to go. With time, help and support you will get there, your time to shine will come. One day you will look back and realise him leaving you was the best thing that could ever have happened to you.

There is still some sort of control there, actually quite a bit as I've allowed him to dictate quite a few things to me since he's left.. And I've allowed it thinking I can put my family back together again if he sees I'm complying (I know how pathetic that sounds) but I always and still do love this man. Along with the fact that I'm now questioning if there was actual control/abuse going on in the first place. I've come to believe that I didn't stand up for myself, I allowed different things to take place. That maybe he wasn't abusive, maybe I'm just a walkover. But I loved him and was fearful of losing him and losing the little family I spent yrs trying to create, I suppose it made no difference he walked away anyway.

Hes still very much in touch for the kids. Has them a set times once a week and then every other weekend. I've managed to attend kids school events and all with him which has been so hard for me. Anytime we would've attended these before I would've had remarks made to me afterwards about not giving him any attention at them because I was speaking to other mums and dad's. Or if it was a dad I had a conversation with then I was giving that man more time than my partner etc ... I always dreaded things like this. But now it's like he's totally changed, he was very sweet and charming, no blow ups etc and I found myself asking "why didn't he do that when we were together" it makes it all the more harder and obvs makes me question was this all me, was this in my head, did I over analyse things???

I've been working with women's aid who do agree it was coercive control but even at that I'm still in a fog and telling myself but they're only hearing my side. If you hear from his perspective he felt like he couldn't trust me and he's correct, there was moments if I met or seen someone I would try to avoid telling him to stop an uncomfortable atmosphere or accusations or him blanking me for days. He tells me this girl has loads of male friends and he's not bothered by it cause he can trust her but with me I was told (and still am told) Men and women can't be friends, he knows how a man's brain works.. So that's what I get told but yet this other girl has free reigns. It just batters it into my head even more this is a me issue and she'll not get that version I got. I feel like I'm going insane with questioning myself along with the fact I'm heartbroken and absolutely jealous that he moves on so quickly to this whole other life and relationship while I've completely crumbled and I don't know how to pick myself up. I've lost so much weight, I'm totally depressed and I've questioned if I'm able to live with how I'm feeling because my beautiful kids have basically lost the mum they know since this has all happened. I've completely lost myself and I don't know if I'm ever gonna be me again or find some strength and happiness to carry on

Please, please go and see your GP, if you aren’t on Antidepressants, I think they may help or maybe they need to look at your doses etc. You can also call the Samaritans. Are you seeing a counsellor? If not please ask your GP to refer you. Some CBT or EMDR could be really beneficial to you.

This is all him, not you. He has made you feel like this and made you question yourself, this is not on you, it’s all his mind games. Of course he wants you to think everything is perfect in his life, it’s not - this is all games. If it really was perfect he wouldn’t be saying these things to you at all, he’d have moved on and would keep conversation strictly about the children. Please don’t fall into the trap of thinking this is you, he’s the one who’s controlling and abusive. He’s worn you down over many many years and he’s still doing it now, he’s just had to change his tactics to get to you in different ways.

Don’t go to school events together, you can have separate parents evening meetings, you can go to Sports Days etc but you don’t have to attend with him. If you meet him there, smile politely, say ‘Hello’ and then move on away from him. Do not engage.

From what you’ve said he didn’t have any reason to doubt you or not trust you, HIS behaviour made you wary of mentioning innocent, normal encounters you had because of the way he reacted when you did tell him. That’s on him not you. He’s playing mind games and please don’t listen to what he’s saying because it’s all rubbish. I also don’t believe for a second that he doesn’t have a problem with her having male friends, that’s just what he’s telling you, because he is abusing you.

Your children really really need their Mummy and they need their Mummy to be happy and healthy. In order for that to happen you have to move out of his control. You might think he’s not controlling you now but he is, he’s playing mind games.

Do you really think this is mind games though?? Sometimes I really believe that he really is this whole other person with her and I caused all this within the relationship.
I would've bent over backwards for that man. So I'm just so hurt that I've lost someone I truly loved.. ive no idea how to restart a life with nothing, no friends no life... That I'd probably very quickly return to this man if he asked me. I know, I know I'm pathetic. But I swear I bloody loved him and my family. I dunno why there's no rage or anger in me or better yet some damn self respect for myself that I think this is all I deserve and I think I'll never meet anyone in this life again. I'm afraid to put all that love into another person now and I'm afraid I'll never get over him

You are not pathetic, you have done nothing wrong. There is no rage or anger at him because over the last 20 years he has slowly knocked it all out of you and made you believe you are the person in the wrong. But that’s not the case, he is the problem, not you. Someone steadily chipping away at your self esteem and confidence over a long period of time will affect you in so many different ways and make you not see clearly the abuse that has been happening to you.

I 100% think this is mind games and he’s playing with your emotions and he is continuing to abuse you. I’ve read over some of your previous posts and everything he is feeding you either directly himself or by using the kids as his little mouth pieces (Daddy is so happy etc - I mean seriously what young child would randomly come out with that thought on their own) is to emotionally traumatise you. I read the bit where you said they’d decided to call the baby by your preferred name for one of your children, I’d put money on the fact that he suggested the name, not her and the reason was that he knew how much it would hurt you. He is cruel and manipulative and abusive.

The best thing you can do for you and your children is to disengage from him. Say you will only speak about your children and that other than that you don’t want any contact from him. if he brings up his gf and their relationship just ask him why he’s telling you this. Ask him why he thinks you’d be remotely interested in hearing about it as quite frankly it’s none of your concern. Tell him you are happy he’s happy with her but you really don’t need to hear about it as it has nothing to do with you. It will be bloody hard at first but it’s a case of fake it until you make it. I understand how much you are hurting and how broken you feel, however don’t give him the satisfaction of seeing it. Make him think you’ve truly moved on, every time he tries to push, fight back and paint on a false smile and act like he doesn’t bother you one bit. You are indifferent to him and he means nothing to you. By totally disengaging from his life you will help yourself in the long run, eventually you won’t have to fake disinterest, you actually won’t be interested.

thankyou @Inthedeep
That's only a few posts you've read as I changed my username since the breakup.. Its a pity you didn't see the ones I wrote whilst in the relationship, questioned it all then too. I've basically gaslit myself along with his help. I'm a very sift person and a person who tries to see things from others perspectives... So I've known his perspective for yrs and tried my hardest to change how he was thinking about innocent situations that he made me feel I was this slag that was going to run off with another man. I'd never ever have done, never even dreamt of it.

I just wish he'd see how he's treated me instead of thinking he's the victim. He actually thinks I'm the abusive one, that's what I mean he tells me why he had to leave because I didn't respect him enough, I didn't make him feel like I was his, told me I was withholding sex to punish him (we were always rowing or he was looking sex at stupid o'clock clock in the morning when I was still getting up with the kids throughout the night), I couldn't be trusted because I was withholding small bits of information (just to save an argument) but he says of I coukd do that what else am I hiding. The new girl obviously gives him everything that fell apart here come the end.

He doesn't see any of his wrong doings, just mine, just what a c*nt I was basically. I'd love for him to regret what he's done but I'm having to face facts he never will. He doesn't think his actions have anything to do with me pulling away come the end. It's just terrifying that you can love and miss someone so much that daily functioning is so hard. I think I'd most likely have thrived come now if he hadn't replaced me so soon and our life so soon. That's just made me feel like absolute shit that after 20 yrs someone can drop you for another woman and give her the decent respect I pleaded for. I put my all into this man so he'd see how much love and respect I had for him. I genuinely loved the bones of him. So despite whatever has went on within the relationship I'd have just put up with it because I loved him and because things weren't always bad. It was occasionally yes but not all the time, we had lots and lots of fantastic times, it's not that he was an asshole all the time.

I agree I've to somehow pull back and stop allowing the contact. It's hard when you have a 5 yr old, 4 yr old and 2 yr old. Still babies themselves. I'm struggling to be a single mum as well. It's really hard and really hard to do when you are absolutely broken and hearing them go on about how great their dad is. And on weekends I don't have them those 2-3 days are very dark for me. If I've been on nights out with someone just to get out of the house he's made comments about it, has issues with people I'm involving myself with and how it doesn't look good for me etc... I think he basically thinks I should be staying at home and if I'm honest there's Been plenty of times I have, believing him that I'm perhaps giving myself a bad rep and yet also trying to get him to see I'm a good and respectable mum. I wish the man would open his eyes and realise he walked away from someone who was actually very good to him, I wish he'd regret doing this to me. But I've to accept I'm never going to get that outcome. How could you when he has a younger ow and a new family coming along. He's everything that he basically walked away from within days. How the fuck is that possible. How can he have so much luck and there's so much suffering on my end. I wish someone could switch off what's going on in my head and heart nd switch on my self respect for myself

it's as if the man doesn't want me to move on. He's told me he's petrified of losing me yet he chose this new girl over me and the kids. He chose to stay there. Anytime I see him with her he's so happy looking. Yet he tells me things aren't as they seem, he's hurting too, missing me and the home life he had here etc... I dunno if its true or if its utter bs to just make me dangle in hope. And yep I shouldn't even want that... I should run for the hills after someone has left me this way but I can't help that I love him. I cant help that my self respect has been eroded. Any other woman would've told him where to go and not given him a nano second to open his mouth.. I know I've created or allowed him into my head this way. It's cruel but that he's doing this knowing full well I'm a woman who's lived him from a teenager to my mid 30s.

to be honest I'd just love to know how to get my self respect back and switch off loving someone who isn't coming back for me.. No matter what he says. Another comment he said was that he never meant for this to happen, as in getting someone pregnant. He planned to return. But that he put a baby in someone and she's a decent girl and can see a future with her but that he's still so in love with me and give up on hope seeing as we have so much history together and a connection tion together. I cannot make any sense of what he's saying. In a round about way he's saying he's staying with her but his heart is still here??? I'm so bloody confused. It really is a mind game isn't it. He's just saying things to keep me in place to hang on isn't he

Firstly don’t tell him what you are up to at the weekend. When the kids aren’t with you, what you are doing in none of his concern. If you still have him on social media block him and check your privacy settings. If he asks, just be evasive and say you’re not sure yet and leave it at that. Is there anyway you could arrange handovers at school/nursery? He picks them up Friday afternoon straight from school, drops them back at school Monday morning?

I very much doubt the new gf is giving him everything he craves, otherwise he wouldn’t still be trying to be so involved in your life. If he was happy he wouldn’t care what you were up to or who you were with. Those aren’t the actions of a happy man. I suspect he’s just as controlling with her as he is with you. Take what your children say about him being happy with a pinch of salt. Really at that age they wouldn’t even understand what that meant in context to him, he’s just told them to say that to hurt you.

Whenever he says this ignore him. He’s trying to have his cake and eat it. He’s staying with her but keeping you hanging as backup, it’s vile behaviour. In fact next time he says it just be flippant and ask him what makes him think you’d even want him back, because you don’t. Tell him you’ve moved on.

The whole time you allow him to have these conversations, you are enabling the heartache. It’s going to be bloody hard but you need to be strong, you are going to have to put on a front initially and act like you don’t care, act like you’ve moved on. The more distance you can put between you both the easier it will be for you to move on for real eventually.

Start doing things for you, plan things to do whilst the kids are their Dad, fun things that can make you feel good about yourself. Did you have any hobbies before you had the children? Maybe you can revisit some of those. The more you keep busy during the time they are away, the less time you have to think.