Helping friend with baby

[namefornow88]

I have three young children, my youngest is 7 months old. I was one of the first of my friends to have children so when my eldest was born my friends didn't really "get it". They came round for cuddles, expected me to make cups of tea and cook meals for them while they cuddled the baby, despite the fact I'd had an emergency c section so my physical recovery was tough

Now a friend of mine has had a baby 6 weeks ago. She's struggling. Baby is a velcro baby and won't be put down at all. She's apologised to me for not being more supportive when my kids were born and has admitted she didn't realise what it was like to have a newborn. I obviously appreciate her apology. But when we meet up (weekly) she expects me to hold her baby the whole time to give her a break. Whilst I understand it's hard to have a velcro baby, I do have my own 7 month old baby to look after AND my 2 year old with me as well

She makes me feel bad everytime I have to hand her baby back to see to my own. I just want to know if others think I should be doing more to help her? Part of me thinks that as I didn't receive much help or support I don't owe that support to anyone else but I know that's petty. On the other hand, no matter how much I want to help her, I do still have my own baby to care for. I think she might think that because my baby can sit up and is weaning etc that he doesn't need to be held much or need much help, but realistically he still drinks a lot of milk, still needs cuddles, nappy changes and interaction regularly

How would others handle this situation? Am I being a bitch by not holding her baby the whole time we're together even if it's detrimental to my own child?

She’s obviously struggling.

However, you have two yourself so they are your priority. She can’t expect you to neglect them to hold her baby.

Does the baby cry if not held? Maybe you provide support and advice on overcoming this - sleep training, etc

Thanks for your reply. Yes her baby cries whenever she's put down which I appreciate is really tough for my friend. Baby is only 6 weeks so I'd have thought too young for sleep training

Can she try a sling , swaddling or a sleep pod to help baby feel secure . Just do what you can . You have your own children to look after .

i would recommend to her that she invests in a sling. This can be life changing.

YANBU for prioritising your kids but you just hand her baby back. Hand it back. Just like before she doesn’t get it now, but she will later.
i don’t think we can resent people for not knowing something before they go through it themselves. It’s just normal.

No you can be nice but you don’t need to be a support system for her

I had a similar situation with a friend.
We both had babies at the same time and then she had a second baby not long after, so there was an 18 month age gap between her 2 DC.
I found she wanted to plonk her baby on me so she could have one on one time with her older DC, yet I also had a child the same age and I wanted to see to mine.
I felt very conflicted like you do, and felt like I should help her out, but then I realised this was to the detriment of my DC and I couldn't help but feel resentful because it was her baby, and her decision to have another one so soon after the first, so why did I owe her anything in that respect.
I have realised that when it comes to children, you have to be selfish and think of your own in situations like this. Everyone finds their feet eventually and we all have to go through the difficult times.

I don't think you should get doing more to help her. There are support services for that and you could sign post (eg Homestart) but a 7mo needs a lot of attention from their own parent and if I'd been holding a random baby for hours I'd have been neglecting mine. No way would I be priorising another baby over my own.

Bury her a stretchy wrap. Then she can sling baby in it and get on with life xx

No, you don't have to hold her baby all the time. You have your own little kids to look after. Whether she supported you or not, your kids should be your priority and she should be mature enough to understand that. You're not going to neglect your kids are you? You're helping her as much as you can, she can think what she wants. Some people need a wake up call.