Friendship one. What would you do?

[BaiesRosesAmbre]

I have a long term friend who I love but she’s difficult. She gets really wound up about things and can be pretty feisty. I am a very calm person and hate confrontation.

I don’t want to go into detail, but she recently messaged me having a go at me (in my opinion, about a very childish matter). We fell out about it. I haven’t messaged her since.

I just know she’s running me down to the ground to other friends. She’s done the same about her other friends to me when they’ve fallen out and said really awful things. Called them c**ts etc. She just seems to have a lot of anger and really goes to town on bitching about others. I have absolutely no interest in talking about anyone in such a way. She also just seems to fall out with everyone.

What do I do? We have been friends for years. I was her maid of honour, we are very close. She’s always been there for me. But I can’t help shake that she’s saying some pretty nasty things behind my back right now.

I wouldn't be able to be friends with anyone who called other friends cunts. That's so childish and horrible.

This is what I’m feeling. And especially because I know she must be talking about me in such a way.

Its just so hard when you’ve gone through so much together.

They are probably listening to her slagging you off and thinking: 'Blimey, if she's talking like that about Baies when they are supposed to be really close friends, I wonder what she says about me behind my back!'.

She's doing herself no favours, and I'd maintain a dignified silence for the time being.

Whilst we all know by now that romantic movies are unrealistic, somehow a lot of us don't think that friendships are also flawed, there are misunderstandings, resentment, lack of communication, sometimes you love your bestie, sometimes not that much.

A lot of the times we get in trouble thinking people are like us, or that they think like us, yet we all have a bad day, and stuff we're dealing with that spills into our relationships and friendships.

However, I think what makes some relationships and friendships better than others is trust.

If you feel a bit unsettled that every time both of you have a misunderstanding (or a fight) and you know she's talking about you, and you know this bother you to no end, I don't know.

Venting is nirmal to an extent bc it doesn't make her rageful while talking to you again but at the same time it does sound a bit stressful knowing every time you slip, you risk character assasination by your bestie.

Confrontation isn't horrible btw. People grow sometimes when they confront a problem together, they learn more about each other and grow.

I get that you're calm and you dislike it but not everyone is like you. It's not a goid or a bad thing. I suppose it's one's expectation that people (inherently flawed) should behave the same way.

If being calm is a virtue you value highly, it wouldn't be a bad idea to activley seek out people who share your values.

My sister is like this. Going no contact is absolutely not an option but I do keep her at arms length. Personally I wouldn't be friends with someone who behaved this way as trust and decency are important to me. It's great having friends who are good, supportive, kind adults and I can't see any good reason to be friends with someone who can't offer that.