Inherently Selfish people

[Spoldge45]

Does anyone else here have a member of their family who is inherently selfish, perhaps they are in their older years and have been like this their whole lives.

Does anyone have an tips for dealing with people like this?

For context, for myself its my Dad, he is mid 70's and has been very selfish for as long as I can remember, even as a young child, but over the last few years, it has become much more apparent.

He doesn't help my Mum round the house at all, even though she had 2 brain tumours in the past which have left their toll and more recently is suffering with arthritis, her health is failing fast and yet he doesn't even offer to take her to hospital appointments, despite the fact he is retired with no commitments... Its completely baffling?

When I was younger I used to sometimes try and challenge his behaviour, but he would become very defensive and & aggressive and I used to worry this attitude would worsen his behaviour to my Mum.

I suspect their maybe an element of undiagnosed autism with my Dad as he has many autistic traits, but I know many autistic people can be very kind and caring, so this alone doesn't explain his behaviour.

I have to be clear, he has never been violent or anything life that, just unbelievably selfish. I can honestly say I cant recall him ever offering to help anyone out with anything.

I moved out of home when I was 19 & he didn't even offer to help me move my few items of possessions/furniture, even though it was just a 20 min car journey away, so I had to ask friend to help.

I know my Dad won't change his ways and I have to accept that, but its just dealing with him, that is becoming more and more difficult. We have a very small family, no auntie's/uncles/cousins etc..so its only myself, my DH & DD who are aware/see his selfishness, Mum is too poorly and pre-conditioned to think that his behaviour is normal after so many years so there's no one else I can turn to.

Please tell me I'm not the only one dealing with someone like this! 🙁

A lot of older men are like this, although the not driving your DM is weird. What usually makes these relationships functional is the traditional/patriarchal division of labour where the man works, drives, does DIY and gardening, and looks after investments etc. Obviously there's plenty that can go wrong in that scenario, but at least the man who sticks rigidly to his "manly" tasks and does them conscientiously isn't entirely useless, even if his attitude is selfish and/or authoritarian.

My dad is ultra-authoritarian and trad, but is usually helpful with "manly" jobs, at least if by helpful you mean doing things his way with the help-ee having little say in the matter. I think you will have to sideline him and help your DM yourself unfortunately, if it's practical to do so. How does your DM get to her appointments? Doesn't he feel embarrassed if someone else is shouldering the "manly" tasks he's weaselling out of, or do you think your DF's possible neurodiversity makes him oblivious to "what will the neighbours think"?