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Original poster

My parents have never given af about my Birthday...

40 replies

Champagneponies · 25/06/2023 14:34

First off, I'm not trying to come off as superficial. I just want to know if this is normal?

I'm in the 30's and for as long as I can remember my parents have never really celebrated my birthday. There are pictures of when I was 5 with a birthday cake and party - so as a young child they did celebrate. However there was nothing after maybe 5 years old..
I would get a card and a 'Happy Birthday' and occasionally a small gift. But for my 16th, 18th, 21st no celebration. I've always expressed a wish for a party and shown I would love a cake or something, but they deem this as needless and superficial. Which I guess it is in a way, but I've always felt it would be nice just to - you know - enjoy it. It hurts when I see my friends parents throwing them parties and meals etc.

I have recently surpassed 30 and didn't even get a card. I got a phonecall to wish me happy birthday.

Is this normal? For my own DC I make a huge fuss so they never feel as I do.

OP posts:
BlueKaftan · 25/06/2023 14:36

I don’t think it’s normal at all. Perhaps it’s how they were raised? I’m sorry it’s been so hurtful. What would you think about celebrating yourself?

Original poster
Champagneponies · 25/06/2023 14:39

I'm almost embarrassed to celebrate my own birthday now as I feel almost ashamed to.
I love celebrating my DC's birthday. I want him to feel loved and that it's an important day to me. I know my parents love me very much and in other ways show it, it's just not 'their thing'. Still feels a bit crap though!

OP posts:
HoistWithHisOwnPetard · 25/06/2023 14:41

mine are the same😢

CheesusWept · 25/06/2023 14:44

No, this is not normal.

Do they celebrate their own birthdays? Do you buy them gifts?

TomatoSandwiches · 25/06/2023 14:45

It was normal for me, I was even banned from my siblings birthday parties and then in foster care my Birthday was marked with a cake and a small gift but it was all very much conditional on how much I had helped around the house so I really don't like my birthday at all.

I know now that it isn't normal of course, loving parents are supposed to acknowledge the day you arrived and changed their life forever, I would take it as a them problem not something that reflects upon yourself.

You can make the day as big as you want, plan and do something amazing for a big birthday.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 25/06/2023 14:58

It's normal for some evidently. Are they loving and supportive otherwise? I'd see it as an opportunity to not get caught in anything family related in the future, eg Christmas, their birthdays etc. Do your own thing and perhaps celebrate your birthday with a few friends, take photos to enjoy later.

MollysBrolly · 25/06/2023 15:12

Every birthday cake for my 3 eldest sisters when they turned 16 was a cake in the shape of a flower basket, with marzipan made roses. Very lovely. Mum made them all. My 16th and I get a cake made but with butter icing on the top with candles (not a basket cake in sight). Years after I asked her why and save she'd had to make 3 for my sisters and couldn't really be bothered doing a 4th. There 3 years between each of my sisters so no excuse really

TeaDrinkerAnonymous · 25/06/2023 15:19

My family were the same re birthdays and left me feeling the same as you, almost like you are not worth the effort. It's shit, I too am not materialistic and would have appreciated small, low cost gestures, I still do. A few years ago I decided to start celebrating myself on my birthdays, probably sounds a bit sad, but I schedule the whole day or either weekend surrounding my birthday focussing on a bit of self-care, pampering, lunch, cake etc and getting myself a gift that I really like and have slowly come round to the idea of my birthday being a day that can be enjoyed, even if it's on my own. Can you do something for you on your birthdays?

Mary46 · 25/06/2023 15:40

Op I got nothing for my 50th but she is mean... it did hurt though. I dont buy her much at xmas now!

perfectcolourfound · 25/06/2023 15:48

If they show you love in other ways, and have otherwise been good, kind parents, then it sounds as though this is just how they do things. In which case, presumably they do the same for each others' birthdays, and don't expect anything from you for theirs?

On the face of it, I can see why it's hurtful, and it is unusual IME. But if you know they love you, and they show it in other ways, it may be something you just have to accept as a quirk of theirs.

MaggieBsBoat · 25/06/2023 15:51

My parents are the same. 😣

WorkCleanRepeat · 25/06/2023 16:12

My parents aren't fussed about birthdays. Never have been. It doesn't bother me but drives my sister nuts.

Sundance03 · 25/06/2023 18:09

Same here, my parents didn't give x2 hoots either about my birthdays. Are your parents older? I've noticed that children with older parents had less fuss made about their birthdays. Used to get to me until I had kids and I just spoil them on their birthdays to make up for it 😁

thecatsmeows · 25/06/2023 18:59

Mine were the same. Put on a big show when I was very young, but that was mainly to show off to my mother's family. After we started living abroad, when I was 9, it all stopped. Never had a party or cake etc after that. Would buy a token gift but once I was 18 that stopped. I worked on my 21st birthday and came home to a card, that was it ( I left home a month later).

However I was expected to make a fuss of their birthdays...only me, as the only daughter, my two brothers were exempt. I don't think either brother has ever bought my mother a birthday present. They were also exempt from doing any housework, as well...

My mother called me a bitch on my 11th birthday. God alone knows why. I'm 55 now and after a few bad experiences I've come to the conclusion that it's better if I spend the actual day on my own.

Flittingaboutagain · 25/06/2023 19:06

Oh bless you. So I was having this conversation with my husband recently. His family were like yours to an extent whereas in mine, birthdays meant a huge fuss of the person. This didn't necessarily mean a party, although there were a lot of those, it was sometimes things like a family picnic or a day trip or even once a holiday. There was always balloons or banners, a gift and cake and even now there is a conversation about whether there's a plan for one's birthday. I love it.

Comtesse · 25/06/2023 23:20

I don’t think that’s normal, sounds really mean. I’m glad you make a fuss for your own child! You deserve the same too Flowers

RememberNancyDrew · 26/06/2023 01:37

Mine didn't either except for a couple of years when I was turning 9-10 when there was a girl down the street who was born the same day and year as me and Mother would host a "joint birthday party" for both of us. I never had a party for myself. I'm almost 60 and have always assumed my b-day was attention-seeking and inappropriate to mention, so I take off work without explanation and schedule a spa day by myself.

Tbf mother-on-daughter abuse goes back 4 generations in my family.

twoandcooplease · 26/06/2023 03:39

My gran had her first (she threw it herself) birthday party for her 60th. It made me so sad she'd never had one or been celebrated. She made up party bags!!! 😭

On your birthday make it special because you are

Whydoievenbother · 26/06/2023 03:46

We've never been very big on birthdays in our family, it's never bothered me

TheLeadbetterLife · 26/06/2023 04:04

I think it can be normal OP. My family isn’t big on adult birthdays at all. We had brilliant parties when we were children, but things like 16th, 18th, 21st we organised ourselves with our friends if we wanted a party. Now we’re all in our 30s and 40s we just text on birthdays unless we’re actually together, which is rare as we all live in different countries. If we are together someone might make a cake or a nice meal.

autieawesome · 26/06/2023 04:09

If all birthdays were treated this way then I guess it was their preference? Not nice for you though. If they celebrated each other's birthdays and then left you out that is awful.

My family didn't make a big fuss about birthdays. But we did get presents and a card.

TheLeadbetterLife · 26/06/2023 04:15

Also, I think it’s a bit mean-spirited of some on this thread to suggest that parents not making a fuss of them on birthdays is indicative of lack of love. For some people it is, but not making a big deal of birthdays is not in itself unloving or abusive.

Many people, especially in older generations, view birthday celebrations as for children, and so for them there’s no meanness behind not making a fuss over adults. It’s just not a thing.

Everything these days is a huge palaver - Christmas. Easter, Mother’s Day, birthdays - so judging our parents by the expectations placed on people now is unfair.

rwalker · 26/06/2023 05:22

Zero fuss about birthdays from my parents
tbf always get a card
it was my mum’s last month asked her what she was doing ( she’s widow now very sociable and lots of friends) looked at me like I had 2 heads and said it just another day

birthdays are totally non events to me never feel like I missed out on anything
each to there own but can’t help an eye roll when grown adults kick off about some drama surrounding there birthday

onthefence23 · 26/06/2023 06:36

My DH family don't really do birthdays or Mother's Day etc, they do a token meal at Christmas and just a secret Santa between the adults. It's just not a big thing.

They express love in other ways and have been a wonderful practical and emotional support since dd was born so honestly don't think they don't care it's just not how they do it.
I found it odd at first but honestly there's members of my family who are no where to be seen but still send a card or £10 on my birthday!
I'd rather have the day to day experience Grin

SparklingLime · 26/06/2023 08:12

TheLeadbetterLife · 26/06/2023 04:04

I think it can be normal OP. My family isn’t big on adult birthdays at all. We had brilliant parties when we were children, but things like 16th, 18th, 21st we organised ourselves with our friends if we wanted a party. Now we’re all in our 30s and 40s we just text on birthdays unless we’re actually together, which is rare as we all live in different countries. If we are together someone might make a cake or a nice meal.

That's very different from what OP is describing.

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