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Original poster

Tough talk before or after he goes away?

24 replies

travelingtortoise · 25/06/2023 13:01

DP is taking DSS overseas to visit family for two weeks on Wednesday.

We've been together 6.5 years, and in the last few weeks I've had a bit of an emotional upheaval that's made me finally want to address some long-standing concerns I have about our relationship.

DP is a warm, lovely, solid, reliable, funny man – I love him very much AND this is one of those situations where I'm not sure love is enough.

I won't go into it too much, but think different personality types, different priorities and long-term dreams, etc.

It feels important that I talk to him about what I'm feeling, and I want to hear his side of things too. I'm not about to break up with him, but it feels like it's time to finally get what I'm feeling out on the table.

But with his trip away coming up, I'm not sure quite how to time it.

Talk to him before he goes, so (as an introvert / slower processor) he can think about the conversation while he's away with some distance?

Or wait, and avoid the risk of piling stress / concerns about our relationship on him before he goes to see his not-very-well mum?

If you were him, what would you rather?

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 25/06/2023 13:14

I'd do it before he goes.

Best of luck with whatever the outcome is.

Whenwillitallmakesense · 25/06/2023 13:19

Unless you were thinking of breaking up with him or you were in some kind abusive/DV situation and you didn't want to continue the relationship or have him return to your home on his return from his holiday, I think you'd be an absolute arse to bring anything up now and ruin his holiday with his family.

Are you sure his going away has not somehow triggered this sudden need to talk to him and you somehow want to sabotage it for him? After 6.5 years together I would expect you would have been invited along on a family holiday? Is it the fact that you are not joining them, for whatever reason, that is causing your urgent need to talk to him?

Wallywobbles · 25/06/2023 13:19

Yup before he goes. Possibly with something in writing for him to travel with. Response when he gets back and no talking in the interim so it doesn't get swept under the carpet.

mindutopia · 25/06/2023 13:37

Poor man, let him enjoy his holiday. Traveling with a child (even an adult one, if his son is older) and visiting extended family can be stressful enough. Let him get settled back at home and then have the talk. I think it’s unfair to drop any big concerns on anyone when they are in a situation where they then can’t really properly respond or talk with you about it. It makes it so they can’t really voice their own needs and concerns.

Original poster
travelingtortoise · 25/06/2023 13:47

My goodness, @Whenwillitallmakesense, you've certainly assumed the worst of me, haven't you?! 😂Let me clarify.

I was invited on the trip, and I'm not going because of a mixture of work and a hospital appointment I've been waiting a long time for. Not a desire to sabotage his time with his family, who I love very much.

And I don't have an 'urgent' need to talk to him, just the knowledge that at some point soon I'm going to need to – hence my thinking carefully about how to time this in a way that takes the best possible care of him.

@mindutopia that was my first thought too, but then I also thought it might be helpful for us to have an initial chat about things ahead of his trip, where we can both get things out on the table (I'm sure he has some things he's not been voicing, same as I do) and then for him to have the distance and objectivity that a couple of weeks apart gives us, so he can mull and process things in the way that his introverted brain tends to do, without me around.

Interesting that (up to now, at least), it's a real 50-50 split amongst responses.
At least that validates my uncertainty!

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 25/06/2023 13:47

He's going to see his own mother, he doesn't need to be thinking about his relationship now, he needs to be thinking about her. Deal with it when he gets back.

TooBigForMyBoots · 25/06/2023 13:50

I would wait and take advantage of the time apart to consider things further.

Sorry things have been difficult for you recently.Thanks

InSpainTheRain · 25/06/2023 13:53

I'd do it after he's back - you'll have a clearer head because you've been apart and it also saves him worrying whilst he's away and can't easily talk to you. If you raise something that really worries him it would be horrible he can't be with you to talk.

Original poster
travelingtortoise · 25/06/2023 13:55

Gosh, @TooBigForMyBoots – that comment just brought tears to my eyes!

Thank you for your kindness, and the reminder that it's OK for me to take some time to process too.

I don't like the thought of him not knowing that these big things are on my mind – it feels like a kind of betrayal keeping him in the dark.

But you've reminded me I also owe myself some time to make sure I'm 100% clear on what I'm saying and what I'm asking for – in the end that'll be of benefit to both of us.

OP posts:
Whenwillitallmakesense · 25/06/2023 13:57

Your 'clarification' doesn't change my opinion (which you asked for). Regardless of the reasons why you are not going, I don't think before he goes is the right time. It's Sunday, he goes on Wednesday, presumably busy with finishing up work, packing his stuff, finalising travel arrangements with family and just generally getting excited about seeing his family and enjoying a break and you want to bring him down with serious conversations.

You've said yourself it's not an urgent need so cannot it not wait 2.5 weeks? Instead of pretending you're thinking it's a good idea to give him this time (when he's on holiday with his family) for him to consider and reflect on your relationship, instead of letting him concentrating on enjoying his holiday, why don't you take these 2.5 weeks to further consider and reflect on your relationship with the advantage of time and space between you. Then have your much needed serious and potentially life-changing conversation when he gets home

Gingergirl70 · 25/06/2023 14:00

How long have you been doubting your relationship, OP? What was the emotional turmoil you've been going through that have made you start having these doubts?

Zanatdy · 25/06/2023 14:48

Definitely after his holiday

unicorncrumble · 25/06/2023 17:19

After - 100%. Especially if the trip is to see his poorly mum. Use the time to get your head together and plan what you'd like to say. Good luck.

CatsSnore · 25/06/2023 17:26

Definitely after. Before would be really unfair on him.

Nanny0gg · 25/06/2023 17:27

travelingtortoise · 25/06/2023 13:47

My goodness, @Whenwillitallmakesense, you've certainly assumed the worst of me, haven't you?! 😂Let me clarify.

I was invited on the trip, and I'm not going because of a mixture of work and a hospital appointment I've been waiting a long time for. Not a desire to sabotage his time with his family, who I love very much.

And I don't have an 'urgent' need to talk to him, just the knowledge that at some point soon I'm going to need to – hence my thinking carefully about how to time this in a way that takes the best possible care of him.

@mindutopia that was my first thought too, but then I also thought it might be helpful for us to have an initial chat about things ahead of his trip, where we can both get things out on the table (I'm sure he has some things he's not been voicing, same as I do) and then for him to have the distance and objectivity that a couple of weeks apart gives us, so he can mull and process things in the way that his introverted brain tends to do, without me around.

Interesting that (up to now, at least), it's a real 50-50 split amongst responses.
At least that validates my uncertainty!

You'll ruin the trip and presumably he's got enough to worry about with his mum

I can't believe you think that before is fair

Nanny0gg · 25/06/2023 17:29

travelingtortoise · 25/06/2023 13:55

Gosh, @TooBigForMyBoots – that comment just brought tears to my eyes!

Thank you for your kindness, and the reminder that it's OK for me to take some time to process too.

I don't like the thought of him not knowing that these big things are on my mind – it feels like a kind of betrayal keeping him in the dark.

But you've reminded me I also owe myself some time to make sure I'm 100% clear on what I'm saying and what I'm asking for – in the end that'll be of benefit to both of us.

Sounds to me that you'll blindside him if you talk about it before.

Then he's stuck away, possibly in a turmoil.

Very unkind

Stratocumulus · 25/06/2023 17:34

It’s a conversation for when he gets back. Bottle it for now.

You’ve said yourself, there’s no rush.

Let him see his Mum and family unfettered by issues and worries you’ll raise before he goes.

GoodChat · 25/06/2023 17:37

I agree you should wait. It's not fair on him to be worrying about that, care of your child plus his ill mother

Vretz · 25/06/2023 17:38

As a guy literally dealing with this today, having one of these talks... do it after.

But for the love of God, don't mention the break up word, because I'm also an introvert and processor. You need to be looking at it as a joint issue, with a plan to get you on the right track, lay it out to him and let him think it over.

Don't just present problems to a man. Present the problem, tell them how to fix it and make it better. It's how a lot of us are wired.

massiveclamps · 25/06/2023 17:57

If it doesn't go well, you won't be able to resolve anything while he's away. To be honest, I'd take the time to reassess how you feel, and talk to him when he gets back.

Mari9999 · 25/06/2023 18:06

@travelingtortoise
If these things have been on your mind for several years, they can probably continue marinating for the few weeks that it will take for him to return from his vacation.

Why has it become critical at this time? Has there been some significant change?

I would not do something or say something that might ruin a vacation for people that I don't like. It would never cross my mind to do it to someone that I claim to love.

cassiatwenty · 25/06/2023 18:53

Really good suggestion @TooBigForMyBoots

SunflowerTed · 25/06/2023 19:57

It sure why you would ruin his trip with this info when he is visiting his family?! Let him enjoy his time with his family. You are not part of the trip so take a step back

AussieMum135 · 01/08/2023 09:50

It doesn't seem fair to bring this up now, if this was done to me I wouldn't enjoy my time away and would be stressed the entire time, which would then in turn lead to anger and resentment.

I agree with others, take this time to process, maybe even write it all down, you may even find after time apart some of these concerns no longer matter or become clearer.

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