DH blowing up in front of DC

[Changingnameagain]

I'm really upset. This morning my husband got cross because he said I was going on and on - maybe I was, I was trying to make a point that I didn't feel it fair I have to entertain and supervise DC5 and 18months all day because he was insisting he could only cut hedge and grass this morning, and I'd already planned a playdate with some friends for the afternoon (which he wouldn't want to come to). He ended up shouting 'do what you fucking want like you always fucking do' loudly and aggressively whilst our 18month old was playing on floor of kitchen between the two of us and my 5yo was well within earshot in living room. He also said ' no wonder 5yo never listens to anything I say, no wonder these kids don't respect me'. For context our 5yo can be very challenging sometimes and she doesn't always listen to him, she picks and chooses and I do try and support him by reiterating what he is asking her to do etc. I was horrified he used 'fucking' in front of the kids, in anger as well and then started complaining about the 5yo especially within her ear shot.
I tried to just smooth it all over and engage with the kids.
A few moments later when they had both gone in living room I went back to kitchen Nd said very quietly to husband 'don't ever fucking swear like that in front of the kids' he then said well don't get in my face and go on and on. I had been sat down on other side of room during the initial blow up.
I know I shouldn't have then spoken to him in the way I did, using swearing myself. I know that makes me as bad as him. Although I was v careful to ensure kids were settled playing in other room and that my voice was nearly a whisper so they wouldn't hear. I'm just so angry that they had to witness that. I told him he'd ruined a perfectly good Sunday. He then stomped off upstairs. I text him telling him to get out the house. Not to swear in front of our kids. Not to raise his voice and and move towards me aggressively and not to talk about 5yo like she couldn't hear him when she could.
I wanted him to just leave tbh and go to his dad's. He went for a shower then came down and started getting the kids ready to go out. They weren't being very co operative. I think they were understandably unsettled by his outburst earlier. My 5yo was playing up and wouldn't go to him for him to put sun cream on her. He ended up saying to her- if you don't come here so I can put this on then I will make you have it on and I will come and pick you up and make you have it.
I didn't like the way he said this- it wasn't said aggressively although he did say it crossly. I just didn't like how forcefully it was phrased. I wish I had said something to him about it but felt it better not to because I didn't want another explosion of swearing.
I feel so shit about the whole thing and like we've really let the kids down this morning. And I don't know how to move past this. I'm not perfect but DH takes every attempt I make to discuss things like this as a criticism and just ends up storming off again. This type of thing has happened once or twice before.

Honest answer? - nip it in the bud now. This needs addressing.
Don’t leave it and let it fester like I did.
It’s been 13+ years, I’ve had more than enough and am finally doing something about it.
Talk to him, tell him it’s not acceptable, for either you or the kids. Or it WILL get worse.
Good luck.

This is repeated behaviour from him. Once or twice before is frankly once or twice too many.

Does he behave the self same to and or around people in the outside world or to work colleagues?. Its highly unlikely; this is all aimed at you people.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You and he should no longer be together. I would seek legal advice and start to carefully plan your exit.

He really cannot explode like that in front of the kids. Shouting is very distressing for kids.

Talk to him about it next weekend when everyone has calmed down. It needs to be an open conversation where he can also say what he finds difficult about you. It also needs to take into account equal contributions, men will often complain they get nagged, but that’s because they aren’t doing anything like their fair share. Women on the other hand can be bad at allowing their partners to get on with their areas of responsibility in their own way.

So talk though it. Organise couples counselling if needed. Be clear with him it is serious and needs to change. Take on board what he has to say. I would be less bothered about swearing, but I wouldn’t let my kids live in a house with uncontrolled shouting.

This is awful. What about counseling, is this something you think you want to sort out?

My DH was very occasionally like this in front of our kids and I regret not being more assertive in stopping him. It was very infrequent and he was such a good husband in others ways that I papered over it. He worked extremely hard for our family and I'd excuse his behavior because he was exhausted and it was only once or twice a year. I deeply deeply regret that, once or twice a year is still way too much. Once is too much. He wouldn't swear but he would be really cross. He would shout and then be bad tempered. Jerk.
We are still happily married ( but I don't forget!) but his behavior was unacceptable. My adult kids and I discuss it. He wouldn't do it now but that almost makes it worse as it shows he could have controlled his temper if he wished,

My kids are very close to me but much less so to him. It has such lasting consequences.

I wonder what I would have done if I had had Mumsnet in those days.

Does he act like this around people in the outside world or to his work colleagues?. Likely not.

Joint counselling is not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. If counselling is at all considered here go on your own. You need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment.