Blended families

[Tiredgirl88]

My daughter and i moved in with my partner and his two teenage children about 2 years ago. Things were going OK until about 6 months ago where I feel we get no adult time alone and our conversations / arguments are being joined in by my partners daughter, to the point where she is bad mouthing me and shouting and her dad is allowing her to do this- I feel as it's giving him some "back up". I am not happy with this , this has happened on a few occasions now and I understand we shouldn't be having words in the first instance but surely the children should not be joining in ? Im being blamed for everything from lack of money ( even though i feel we are comfortably off ), not doing enough around the home, I'm lazy etc and she's joining in with her dad saying I need to go and get more work. I work night shifts 3 nights a week , yes it's not much compared to what my partner earns but I do my share and also do all the household chores / and there for the children / school runs etc. I feel ganged up upon and starting not to like my home anymore and thinking about life with just me and my daughter but I don't know where to begin , I don't have any savings. ( the house is a mortgage we took out ) . I need to add this was never an issue when we first lived together but now I feel like there is always something bothering my partner and he's becoming a very horrible miserable man to live with ( he's only 35 ) I do love him dearly and I treat his children like my own however now I feel like the bond has been broken after being shouted at by his 14 year old daughter ( also swearing too ) . My partner is not the sort that I can talk to about my feelings , he just sees me as whining and moaning so will have no empathy. He cant understand why im tired as he should be the most tired with all the hours he grafts, so now i dont comment when im shattered. He won't go to any sort of couples therapy unless I pay for it which will be expensive on my earnings. He can be extremely loving, hence why I took the plunge and gave up my council house and moved accross town to begin life with him. I don't know how to address issues when they come up as I don't want arguments so lately I avoid talking and try and make myself busy in other rooms, the only time we sit together is watching a film or having sex which then he is extremely loving and saying such beautiful things.

When I said do you feel it's acceptable for your daughter to speak to me like that he replied with - "well she is fed up with hearing us bickering".

She shouldn't be joining in as she's technically a minor and should respect the adults in the house

Phrases like “you are not committed” and “you would do this if you loved me” are classic emotional blackmail manipulative language… often employed by abusers and exploiters.

Beware.

Is anyone thinking about the welfare of the kids involved and the impact of the shit atmosphere they are forced to live in? Anyone?

Didn't think so.

How unhelpful and nasty you are.
OP is clearly in a difficult situation.

This isn’t working for anyone, including you. Move out. Presumably not possible to get a council house again?

I don’t think it’s your partners daughter who is so much the concern to be quite honest, (14 year olds can be very difficult in fact vile enough to drive parents to a mental breakdown and appreciate not pleasant at all for you 😔) if your partner sounded fairly decent I would say it’s a stage to weather through but he sounds awful. Think you and DD would be much better off without him

I agree with this.
I think you need to call a housing charity to see what your options are op I'm sorry that you gave up your council home.
Your partner won't pay for couples therapy presumably as he doesn't think there's much of a problem - he probably thinks you are the issue. I would get some counselling just for you (can get a chunk free via gp or maybe even your work) to discuss this situation. You might be able to do some work on boundaries and assertiveness to make your current immediate living situation better for you. Basically he's shown he doesn't care that much about your emotional well-being so you have to care about it first and foremost above all of them and be selfish to survive.
I would keep stating 'dsd we are having this conversation as adults we're not looking for contributions ' and then move to another room with your dp.
I'm thinking about all the house labour you do for them- that can stop (at least) until your husband gets better at caring about your feelings. He will notice that and then he might admit there's a problem!

Thankyou for all of the advice. It's just so confusing , one minute I am the best thing ever , the next all of life's problems are somewhat my fault. Once an issue has been addressed he moves on to something else like what a waste of space my ex is etc. To me it's nit picking because he is unhappy inside . He's from a military upbringing whereas mine was very relaxed just me and my mum, I never had my dad around , I wonder if that's why I'm so troubled now and full of anxiety. I love him dearly and when he's good he's amazing but again today , I stupidly asked him to loan me £20 until payday and the aftermath was awful , I had endless texts about how I should be managing my money better and who would help me if I hadn't got him- no one helps him etc. Don't get me wrong I say my bit back as over time it eats away at me what he's said. I am getting some counselling through work but I've only had one session so far and I am doing an assertive course. I can be very out spoken but then I'm full of sadness afterwards and feel these pathetic arguments just destroy what we have. I've tried not participating in the argument and that can work and cools his fire but it's very difficultwhen I want to stand up for my believes and defend myself. I know it's not me , I've had a few boyfriends and no one has ever been as irritated as him. How can I make this work and keep our good times a permanent fixture.

Blended families can be difficult, 90% of the time it only works if one party has no kids of themselves.

From what you’ve said, the gloss of the relationship has worn off. That first glow often does dim a bit overtime, but that doesn’t account for his lack of patience and support. For you to be on the receiving end of his temper, never mind his daughter putting her two penith in is no way to live. Your step-daughter needs to learn some respect, she also needs to be told firmly to stay out of adult matters, this needs to come from her father. You can’t continue to live with this man and take whatever he dishes out.

Blended families are hard even with both parents being supportive and strict rules for the kids.

Yours is not going to work so get out fast. But don't make a song and dance about sort it first then just leave.