Am I being over the top?

[cloudypink]

I've just come on here for...I don't know what really, because I'm upset?

Sorry for the long post of me moaning...

So me and my DP are in a very happy relationship (most of the time) we have been together for a few years and we're expecting our first child this year.

When we first got together he informed me he had alot going on with his ex partner, they was together a long time and had to get legal stuff to sort. (Fine everyone has a past)

When I first met DP friends they kept talking about his ex to me but not when my partner was around... this made me feel really uncomfortable but then feel anxious for a while after. I went on my DP phone after a few drinks and found old photos of them together...I know this was wrong of me but hey it's happened and I owned up.
(Photos have since been deleted. DP didn't know they was there)

Anyway... everything has been fine for a good year and a half apart from me feeling insecure at times and always wondering if he wished he was with her or if she was more fun etc :( I know it's unhealthy and it's my issue I need to sort as I know I'm very loved.

So about 2 months ago we met up with a few friends for the evening. But when my DP wasn't there a couple friends would bring up his ex and say 'he loved her just as much as he does you' 'he respected her like he respects you"

I was really upset by this and couldn't sleep for days. Why talk about someone's ex? My friends wouldn't dream of doing it.

This may seem like nothing and like I'm being over dramatic about nothing but I guess that's what I want to know.

My DP has since told his friends that this is not be mentioned else they will lose him as a friend.

Am I just overly insecure and being sensitive?

How weird. I suppose it’s possible that some of his friends are simply twats. Or maybe they see you as the ‘other woman’ who broke up his relationship? Could that be it?

Yeah it’s not nice to bring up ex’s like that if it’s not come up in a natural conversation. I’m sure they wouldn’t like it either. No you’re not being too sensitive and I’m glad to hear that he’s addressed it with his friends

@BuffyTheCat I think theres a possibility they're jealous. we're happy & settled. The friend that seems to bring it up often says he's 'lost his best friend' now we're expecting a child together.
The ex cheated and they never got on with her so I don't think they think I'm the bad guy. It's just very strange and obviously upsetting for me

@Zanatdy Thank you. Even just these 2 comments have made me feel better that I'm not over reacting.
DP is very loving and always puts me first so I know I have nothing to worry about but also I don't want to cause issues for him and his friends.

You should tell your friends please don’t keep bringing up DP’s ex, she’s an ex for a reason, whether you have insecurities or not, it’s inappropriate for friends to keep talking about the ex, why would they want to do that, cannot understand it personally.

His friends are weird

I know it might sound strange but is it possible they mean it nicely?

In a 'he's a good guy and respects women generally and hasn't parted with anyone on bad terms' way?

It's a long shot and only you will know how it sounds when they speak, but just throwing that out there.

Otherwise it sounds like your partner has your back and is supportive of your feelings which is very important and bodes well for the future 😊

His friends are strange , I would be understanding at first as it feels like they were trying to let you know he was hurt before but now a year and a half later, when you are expecting a child together, it just seems weird.

You're not in the wrong to feel annoyed and upset but just remember it’s with them and not your dp. It’s great dp has pulled them up on it and hopefully it stops.

Your dp is with you because he wants to be, he’s starting a family with you and obviously is happy about it. Try not be too hard on yourself and stop comparing yourself to the ex. It didn’t work out for them for many reasons and he’s moved on.

@Iamclearlyamug
They definitely aren't 'mean' when they say it but they must know it's still not right 😅 one friend was going on that they dont see my DP as much anymore and can't wait for our 'honeymoon' period to be over so they get there best friend back.
I replied saying that we're always like this it's just because we're in love. That's when the friend commented saying well he loved his ex just as much bla bla bla. But then carried on chatting as normal.

Do they think you are controlling and that’s why they don’t see them as much? Their point being that they saw him more when he was with the ex but he loved her as much?

@GameOverBoys Maybe. The males in the group have organised going on a lads holiday to which I told my DP I didn't feel comfortable with him going but he agreed that he wouldn't like it If I was to do it either.
Other then that we both have our own lives to do what we please. BUT he actually gets on with my friends partners so sees them often. We have had a busy year so neither of us have seen our friends as often as we would usually.

@Hiddenvoice Thank you. That last part made me teary 🥲 (blame the hormones haha)

Your last post makes it sound less weird, more like
"We never see him any more"
"Because we are in love!"
"He's been in love before but still had time for his friends"

Sounds more like they think you are to blame for him not being around so much, rather than them wanting to talk about his ex (I hope that is his own choice though!)

Your previous posts made it seem like they couldn't wait to mention her as soon as he left a room But this seems like a valid conversation to mention her in!

Just say 'oh that's nice' in the most uninterested time you can muster and then move the conversation on. I would avoid saying what they can and can't say, that will come across as controlling and if they can't see how inappropriate it is for themselves, they certainly won't want to be told.

Cross posted.. no longer your last post lol.

Sounds like he's spending less time with his friends because he's at a different point in his life and they don't like it. It happens, most adults with children don't see their friends as much!

@AuntMarch Thanks for your comment 😊

If it was just normal in conversation then I wouldn't be so bothered or maybe if it was the first time. However the very first time I met said friend he said how we wasn't allowed to talk about 'the ex' to me but then continued to make comments.

Maybe I am just overthinking it though and it's good to see other peoples thoughts.😊

His friends are bellends. Glad dh is supportive.

The friends are idiots but it also sounds to me like you've got issues and they may come across stronger than you portray here.

Just the comment about the photost that have been deleted, why shouldn't he have photos of his past? As long as he doesn't have them up on display front and centre, they are from a time in his life that helped make him who he is.

What with putting a stop to his holiday, unless it's at the time the baby is due/will be born, you've got red flag all over you imo.

Yep, I picked up on both those issues too. The photos thing is particularly telling.

Why would your DP going on holiday with his friends make you uncomfortable?

“The friends are idiots but it also sounds to me like you've got issues and they may come across stronger than you portray here.

Just the comment about the photost that have been deleted, why shouldn't he have photos of his past? As long as he doesn't have them up on display front and centre, they are from a time in his life that helped make him who he is.

What with putting a stop to his holiday, unless it's at the time the baby is due/will be born, you've got red flag all over you imo.”

You do sound rather controlling, OP. I didn’t ask my now DH to get rid of photos of past girlfriends when we got together and I didn’t try to stop him going away with friends. And i think the friends’ comments come across quite differently when you give the full context.