My mum warned me against a former friend who ended up ruining my life - Is this my “karma” as they say for not listening to her?

[Tilldeathdousapart]

Where do I begin my mum had told me to stop being friends with this individual for so many many years. The first time was when I told my mum that he wanted to come and visit me and my mum’s immediate answer was no I asked her why and she said I don’t like him and I don’t like how he talks about other people. I had to plead with her for him and she reluctantly agreed. After he left she even made a few comments after saying “you cooked him breakfast everyday when he was here but you don’t do that to me your own mother” and I was like I will start cooking you breakfast everyday then.

I remember when he even invited me to go to his aunt’s party and it was a disaster and I met his whole family there and his drunk brother ended up touching my butt and I remember him apologising to me for his brother’s behaviour saying that he was an alcoholic and tbh the girl that I went with even told me to stop associating with him and I didn’t speak to him for about six months until he came back again with an apology ( at the time I thought oh well it’s not his fault that his brother did that to me) but I should have just distanced myself then. Him and his brother also mentioned how that girl that I went with was so ugly and why I didn’t bring a better looking girl ( so rude).

One day I was sleeping in my room my mum barged into my room and I asked her what was the issue and she told me this guy “former friend” was on a tv show that she used to watch and she asked me to come and watch it with her and after watching the show with her she literally said on he is so embarrassing and a loser please stop talking to him and she said what type of person goes on national television and air his dirty laundry like that and she clearly stated that he was trouble. For the next few months he would call me I would have to hide it from my mum and until one day she overheard me speaking to him and she said I can’t believe you are still speaking to him when I have told you to stop being friends with him.

A few years later I found out he had posted in a WhatsApp group that I had been intimate with him and it wasn’t even true and because I was upset I told my mum and she was like that’s disgusting and she said to me “what did I tell you about him I told you this guy is trouble” and she even sat me down and said “G i wish you would listen to me as your mother” and then she continued to say “please do not speak to him ever again after this” and I did listen to her and I stopped talking to him but no he came back after saying sorry to me and that he would never do such a thing again.

About some time after this my “former friend” had introduced me to his friend D, D said something to me and I told my former friend and me and him laughed about it and he even said some things himself about D to me but he ran back to D and told him and D was so angry at me that he called me and he was shouting at me on the phone.

After that I decided to distance myself from both of them because I didn’t want drama and I even deleted this former friend from my Facebook and we didn’t speak for about a year until he send me a message on what’s app telling me how he had changed because he had become a father and oh boy I told my mum and she was like no no no and no don’t go back there and unfortunately I didn’t listen and that led me to me and him falling out again a few months after that and that was the beginning of my hell.

I won’t go into specifics of what happened after that but oh boy that even a few year ago my mum said “If you had listened to me years ago when I told you to stop being associated with this guy, we wouldn’t be in this situation” and I totally agree with her.

Please anyone out there when someone shows you who they really are the first time never give them another chance because they will mostly likely end up f?cking you over and I’m taking from my own experience here.

I don’t really believe in “karma” as they call it but sometimes I think this is my karma for not listening to mum back then. When you parents tells you that someone is trouble please run and never look back because one day you will look back and have nothing but regret.

You tried to be a good friend to someone who wasn’t a good friend. Forgive yourself for being a good person… but learn the lesson. No one else can teach you these lessons it’s something you have to learn yourself unfortunately

As the mum in a very similar situation I have to accept that I've given my child the best advice I have and then leave it. You all have to make your own mistakes and as I say to my children 'if you've learned from the experience it wasn't all bad'. Take the lessons you have learned (like listen to your mum ) and move on in life, your mum also needs to learn to drop the I told you so's but for gods sake DON'T tell her that yourself.

Oh don’t be daft. There’s no such thing as karma.

You were young and made daft decisions and didn’t see a knob bead for who he was.

You are older and wiser now, so just move on.

I know you don't want to go into specifics but has he left you alone now or are you still dealing with the consequences of whatever he did to you? It's definitely a lesson learned in how people aren't always what they seem or to be trusted. Your Mum.was using her life-long experience of people & trying yo protect you but, as PP's said, you often have yo make your own mistakes to really kearn. I hope you're OK.

No it's not karma. There's no cosmic comeuppance for not listening to your mum! It's just a very typical situation where an older more experienced woman could see what her daughter couldn't. Her extra time on this planet, her greater experience of people and her clear sight from being one step removed and not enthralled with the guy allowed her to pick up on what you didn't.

Why is karma always bad?
load of crap. The situation is the reason for the choices made - not you not listening to your mother

Are you very young?
You should have listened to yourself the first, second, third time you got rid of him!
To be honest you should get to a point in life when your parents give you gentle pointers but you should be able to make the decision that is best for you regardless of their advice.
In this case you should have sent this guy packing well before your mother had to have repeated conversations with you about him.

Depends on how you view karma.

This situation hasn’t occurred because there’s some cosmic force that made him a shot friend because you didn’t listen to your mother.

The situation occurred because you have poor boundaries and let this friend repeatedly treat you like crap. He is a shit and you kept getting involved.

You sound very, very young. Life isn’t as simply as ‘listen to your mother about everything’. I say that as a mother. As an adult it’s your responsibility to find you own way in the world. If you have a good relationship with your parents, listen to their advice but ultimately the decision (and consequences) is down to you.

We all make mistakes. Just don’t get dragged back in with him.

I am confused about wether this is a friend or you wanted more or there was more. But it sounds shit. My advice would be to stay away. Big again, the decision is ultimately yours.

I agree with this. More than one person tried to warn you about him but in the words of an old saying: “There are non so blind as those who will not see”.

It's not karma but really shit decisions.

This TV show he was on - was it Jeremy Kyle?

Thank you everyone, well cutting the story short I truly wish I had listened to my mum back then and yeah I truly despise him I mean he was here in the UK with no legal stay and I always wonder why his family couldn’t help him for nearly a decade until I helped him with money and the documentation etc and even when my mum found out she went ballistic she was like I can’t believe you lent him such an amount of money and you helped like that when his own family is here in the UK and she also said to me that look at how you helped him and look what he ended up doing to you.

I got burned heavily by someone I helped and not only that by someone my mum had clearly said that she didn’t want him in her house and I had to plead for him and honestly i remember I even told this guy when he invited me to his place and the first thing he said was sorry darling but I wouldn’t lent that amount of money to just a friend and he was even shocked that I had helped this guy with money considering what he was doing to me. When people show you who they really are the first time believe them and bin them then and there and no there is no time for second chances and the most important thing is people don’t change.

My mum even said that she wished she had a gun herself and she would have gone and shoot him herself (she said it to me because she was very angry and frustrated at the whole situation) and my mum even mentioned when i visited her around April I think and she said you see you helped this guy and look what he is doing to you and she called him a nasty piece of work.

The whole thing is a huge mess and I’m so mad, mostly mad at myself because I knew this guy was trouble like what my mum called him and look at what he ended up doing to me.

No of course not. Karma doesn't exist. It 's just that relationships are sometimes blind and it takes someone outside the relationship to spot the flaws.

He's proved to be a knob. There are a lot of them about. Just forget the whole sorry episode and move on.

It's all 'my mum this' and 'this guy that'.
Stop being so passive, you made the decision to give him money and keep letting him back into your life.

Exactly what I thought!

He mugged you off and was a nasty shit bag. Did you have feelings for him? Is that why you refused to see him for what he was? Anyway, it’s done now. Your mum saw through him and saw what he was doing to you. That’s all. Karma doesn’t exist.

Well, my mum was a very good judge of character. I didn’t ALWAYS listen, unfortunately, but, in hindsight she was always right! I like to think I’m a good judge of character now too, although that has come with maturity. Forgive yourself and try to move on.

Me saying my “mum this” and “this guy” that is because I’m full of regret and tbh I remember when his own mum called me years ago and told me how she didn’t know what to do with him because he didn’t listen or respect her and I politely told her that I didn’t want to get involved in their family issues and even his brother would send me rude messages on what’s app when he was drunk that i ended up blocking him there.

I think anyone in my situation would have so much regret and the regret of not listening to my mum and I knew that she was right. I remember this girl saying to me I would never be friends or be cooks with anyone who post things like he did “me being intimate with him” in a what’s app group she said that’s when you should have stopped talking to him and she was right.

I’m full of regrets and I still can’t believe I helped him with my money and that money he didn’t even pay me back. Btw I didn’t like him like that and I never did, he is actually married and has a daughter so it was never like that. My mum hated him because she said she didn’t like the language he would use whilst talking to me on the phone and also how he would just spend time talking badly of other people. She would call him a loser at any given chance and would shake her head in disbelief because I continued being “friends” with him.

Yeah that’s why my mum called him a nasty piece of work and a devil.. no I didn’t have feelings for him, I didn’t like him like that at all. I know karma doesn’t exist tbh and it’s man made. Even this guy said to me why did you bring someone like him around your family and friends and he was right and tbh not listening to my own intuition and my own mum is my biggest regret in life.

OP, I don't believe in karma. But even if I did, I wouldn't passively let it keep me down.

It sounds as though you've had an upsetting and possibly expensive experience. That's the past. You can either let it carry on harming you or you can choose to move forward positively.

Be your own person. Don't be swayed by this, or other, people. That includes your mum. Make your own decisions. Do what you want. Be accountable for your own actions.

I'm sorry you've had a bad time. But it's not wrecked your life. It's a chapter that is closed.

Okay no this guy is lying on my name that I accused him of trying to rape me to make people hate me and right now I’m trying to get video calls from Instagram from the person he apparently heard that from I do remember I spoke to that person on video calls and they categorically denied ever saying that to him and I asked him why he was doing that and he said he just want to turn people against you.

No I’m not going to let this go anymore, once I get copies of those videos I’m going to make sure that the truth comes out because I’m just tired of my name being lied on honestly. I’m only feeling like this because if I had listened to my mum back then I wouldn’t have had to do all of this.

I’m mad and I can’t wait for the truth to come out because I’m just tired.

Just to add it’s not in the past as he is still doing it and he never really stopped ( I found out he was busy sending me messages on what’s app whilst still lying on my name with the false rape allegations) I have had enough.

That sound so awful and vastly different to what I'd imagined you'd gone through.
Looking back on your OP, I don't think it's clear what you were wanting to get across. But now I understand.

Are you getting any professional help in resolving this? I think it would be very helpful to you.

So if he’s such a shit bag and you didn’t fancy him what the fuck did you see in him?

Honestly I despair.

We were friends. All he has always said to me is you are my best friend over and over again and he would come with the same fake apology. I was even reading one of his fake apology where he was telling me how he had changed since he had become a father and I’m so mad at myself because I fell for it again.

I never fancied him at all and honestly I liked him as a brother ( In a platonic way) and not in any other way seriously. Making these false rape accusations is taking it too far and I even called him with my mum and asked him if he was telling people about these fake rape accusations and he denied it to me ( even though I have had a few people told me that he is doing so). This has been going on since 2018 and I’m so sick and fed up of all of this.

No I’m going to get those videos to clear my name once and for all because I’m so mentally drained by it all and this sh!t bag hasn’t even given me back my money haaa!