Should I try again

[messyheaded]

Recently left my husband of 15 years as marriage was toxic, both sides and abusive (his side - unintentional emotional abuse, sexual coercion and lots of shouting and threatening etc to the children . I say unintentional as I honestly don’t think it was. I really still struggle to see it like that and he seemed genuinely upset by it all but either way it wasn’t great.) we’d basically been going around in circles and chance after chance of chance and we just weren’t getting anywhere and I had to be done for my own mental health.

Anyway, it’s been about a year now and he has never really accepted it as over, soon as I think he has he asks me to rethink, to give him the chance, find the spark etc etc.
He has yet asked me again today and each time I’m full of the guilt etc all over again over leaving him as he genuinely seems sad we are over. He says he regrets what he was like and has changed now he has seen what he was like.

Honeslty, I don’t really want to go back, I’m so angry about so much, so angry and so broken. I feel so much resentment over things and not sure I can get past some of the the things that happened, I’m not sure I even love him anymore … but … it’s 15 years, children and like our whole lives and I’m not sure if I should just try. Try and find the love and make it work again. Force myself to forgive and forget and maybe the rest will come back.

Every-time we end up back here my head gets so messy and all I feel is immense guilt, guilt he is now alone and miserable.

I don’t know what I’m asking really here.

You’ve not moved on because he hasn’t let you. You need to only communicate about the kids, and go get your new life.

Nope, you've tried over and over and he obviously never changed. And you say it was toxic on both sides, so do you think you've changed too?

You can't get back with someone through guilt. It's his fault he hasn't moved on in a year? Have you moved on?

It's no good trying to 'find the love'. If you don't feel it now, you probably never will.

Don't get back for sake of the kids, they've had a whole year to get used to the new set up and probably feel relieved not to be in the middle of all the toxicity, tension, bad atmospheres. Don't put them through all that again.

Be clear to him that it's over, there is no chance for the future and you both need to move on.

You were strong and brave enough to finish it in first place, with very good reasons. Whenever you feel yourself weaken, remind yourself of what it was really like. Not the good memories, but the constant grinding down of your emotional and mental health. Put boundaries in place now and stick to them

I would our marriage as toxic but I’ve been told in fact it was abusive and my behaviour reactive abuse.
I am just not sure on all that but won’t argue the sexual coercion/abuse even though again, I feel like I allowed it so he knew if he just guilted, moaned, went on, started etc I’d give in eventually.
But I also know I wasn’t easy to be with at times.

it wasn’t great and my main reason for leaving was for the kids and my mental health.

I am not sure I can change to make it work no, as I don’t think I can get past my anger, resentment, hurt so how can I guarantee I won’t be ‘reactive’ ?!
(I’m also so hurt it took to me ending things for actual change - if of course he has.)
I guess that comes to me working to get past that, maybe getting help etc

Hes been constantly asking and begging for me to try again, says he can’t live without me, that he will do anything amongst much more and basically has my heart strings going.
I hate him but he’s also the father of my children and been there my whole life so I care and I hate cussing hurt. Basically I’m a bag of conflicting emotions and feelings. Hense not making sense either.

Stop blaming yourself for his abusive behaviour. And stop questioning if it really was abuse. It was, believe me.

He's still being abusive and coercive now with the constant begging and 'I can't live without you' shit.

I assume you've been to counselling seen as you've been told about reactive abuse etc. Or if you haven't, please consider it.

This man is still the father of your children, whether you are a couple or not, bit that is definitely not a reason to try again. Now is the time to make it clear that co parenting is what you both should be concentrating on. Is he seeing the kids regularly? Paying maintenance? If he doesn't get the hint and stop harassing you (this is what he is doing, essentially) I'd consider starting divorce proceedings

Op have you thought you may have a type of Stockholm syndrome? I left a dp when we had 3 dc. Abusive and toxic. He spent 6 months convincing me he had changed.. We married and I regretted it within a fortnight. Divorced him the week of our first anniversary..

He’s still using coercision isnt it - bullying you to get you back.

Keep going forward, dont look back!

No OP, you shouldn’t try again.

In moments of weakness, remember these words which you have written above:

“ I don’t really want to go back, I’m so angry about so much, so angry and so broken. I feel so much resentment over things and not sure I can get past some of the things that happened, I’m not sure I even love him anymore ”
“I don’t think I can get past my anger, resentment, hurt ”
“I hate him ”

That’s pretty damning evidence for never going back.

Your children deserve better than to be in that environment again too so do them a favour and stand your ground.

Ask yourself if you’d share a flat with another person like your ex husband. You’re not sleeping with them, no other relationship yet they behave like your ex did—- would you stay ?

The ‘I can’t live without you’ is heading towards blackmail. Next he will be threatening to end himself. He is not your problem, move on.

You don't want to go back. Don't go back. Start divorce proceedings if you haven't already. He needs to accept it's done.