Is It Just Me?! (OLD related)

[PushkaMcgee]

First off I guess I'm in the older percentage of those doing OLD, I'm 60. Did it before my last relationship, & we met via Match, it lasted two years, however, we realised we knew each other from years back when we matched which I think, eased us moving into proper relationship territory quickly. So, long story short, I know the pitfalls, things to do/avoid, red flags etc etc.

Went back to OLD last year after that relationship ended, had quite a number of dates amongst the scammers and idiots etc. A few moved to a couple of dates and a couple were (totally consensual) one night stands. None really floated my boat and, as I have a tendency to over-invest and have a bit of anxious attachment (working on that one!), I made sure I'm chatting to a few guys at a time.

I've today had a third date with a guy who I'm really keen on and would like to think it'll move to something more. Which is where my subject question comes in, in my head, as I have feelings for someone, it just doesn't sit right to still be chatting or matching with other guys. I know I know, he may well be chatting etc to other girls, but, I guess to me it feels a bit like, in old days terms 'two-timing'! I feel I'm going through the motions of still logging on the dating app and swiping left or right, which, is surely unfair on any other guys I match with or chat to.

So, am I just old fashioned? Do other people feel like this? How do I deal with inner guilt?

Another quick question as I'm here! How many dates til you have the exclusive question? I realise that's a bit like asking how long is a piece of string as everyones series of dates is different from the next persons. How does that conversation even start?!

Thanks for any insight, apologies I intended this to be a short question!

It might well be old fashioned but so what if it is. Don't do it because of him.... do it because of you. If your own value system means that you'd prefer to focus on one date at a time, do that but do not do it for him.

@Itsaknotat Thank you! I've never thought of it that way, you are so right.

It isn't old fashioned or something to feel guilty about if you like someone to not like the idea of them with anyone else!

There isn't a set number of dates before you establish exclusivity but when I met someone I liked (including DP) i would confirm before sleeping together that we would see how things go just us. It wasn't a huge sample of men that I asked but nobody disagreed, in fact all had assumed it anyway as we got on very well.

I think I just said 'don't worry if you're not on the same page yet, but if we're going to bed together then I would like us to be seeing how things go exclusively rather than still talking to other people. What do you think at this point?'. Gives em the chance to politely say 'i hadn't considered that yet' and postpone sleeping together rather than have to agree without meaning it.

I tried the while chatting to multiple men. Went on two dates in one weekend once..don’t recommend, couldn’t remember who I’d said what to!
When I met my now DP, he said he wasn’t messaging with anyone else..I was but he ghosted me and I realised I much preferred DP anyway! We agreed we were a ‘couple’ from our third date. Might not be the modern way but I preferred it to multi-dating. One guy said he didn’t want to see me again on the Tuesday (fair enough, there was no chemistry), booked a weekend in a B&B Wednesday and went on the Friday! (All weekend activities reviewed on his trip advisor!). Now we weren’t exclusive so he did nothing wrong to me but did the women he went with know he was out on a date with me four days before they booked that trip? 🤷🏻‍♀️ so yeah, it seems I’m a one at a time type.

Thanks for the insight @Frogmila and @ThisWormHasTurned and it's good to read it's not just me who actually prefers just chatting to one person, I'm pleased you both met your DPs through OLD and it worked for you.

As you say @ThisWormHasTurned if nothing else, it can get confusing multi dating as you've no clue what you've said or not said to each one!

I guess I have to learn to just be me! If it doesn't sit right with me then I'll not do it (and deal with the overinvesting!!)

As for the exclusivity bit, I think I'll give it a couple more dates (keep your fingers crossed for me on that one!) and then broach the subject if all is going well.