Don't know what to do ...

[DEK64]

I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for nearly 9 years. We both have grown up children from previous marriages.

He has a house about 3 and a half hours away from our main home that he currently rents out.

He has taken early retirement, on ill health, and wants us to sell up and move to this other house.

My children are near to where we currently live, at university and working.

I’ve recently started a new job, in the NHS, where I feel that I can make a difference to people’s lives. Never had that before in previous jobs.

He says he’s moving anyway next year when his current renters move out. He’s talking about us having a long distance relationship if I won't move.

I feel that I am torn between wanting to be close for my children and my job, but also wanting to be with my partner who I love very much.

Don’t know what to do …..

You seem focused on being near your own adult children... where are his?

What would the arrangement be in his house? You paying while having no security and no support nearby, having given up your job? Or, you paying nothing so you can build your nest-egg and have some security if it goes wrong?

I did give up a job, family close and my place for DH. But I made sure I could manage if it went wrong.

Honor yourself and your children first. Above all things.

His children live around 2 hours from our current house and probably around 3 hours away from the other house.
He doesn't see them too often

Is your current home jointly owned?

The financial arrangements are fine, we'd sell this house then I'd buy into that house. We would own that one 50-50 and be mortgage free

Why would you want to make sacrifices for someone who doesn't make them for you. Very unreasonable to expect someone to move away from where they have always lived and have a life. He clearly doesn't love you very much

I would do the long DISTANCE thing until you retire

He doesn't seem to value your relationship in the way you do.

I agree you should do the long distance relationship and see how it goes. Retirement is difficult without it being forced on you.

Grown up kids is one thing. Your actual job is another. And he doesn't seem willing to discuss it. I'd let him go and then see what happens.

@DEK64 what’s his reasoning for wanting to do this? Why can’t he sell the one he’s renting and buy into yours? Or what don’t you both sell and buy a new one near to where you are now?

He doesn't like the town we are living in now, it's where I grew up.
We both own this house, it's the finance thing pushing him as we'd be mortgage free.

@DEK64 I don’t think I would move 3 hours away as you are giving up a lot for a what if. Who’s to say he will love it back there. I would compromise on both selling and buying a new place mortgage free. And/or moving to a new location he likes but still close to your work and kids.

I moved away from work and family for a partner and massively regretted it. Are you the sort of person who makes friends easily? Does one of your kids have a spare room so you can visit and stay? How will you feel if/when grandchildren come along?

Nothing wrong with trialing long distance and see how you feel once you are doing it.

Personally if I had a job I loved that much I wouldn't leave it for a man ever again.

I’d give the long distance thing a go first. It could be quite nice, 3 hours isn’t that much to be honest especially if you took turns doing the commute.

You don’t know how you will feel about your job in a year /18 months, you might not be overly happy and decide to try finding something local to him or you might love it and be so glad you didn’t move.

There are no set rules about relationships, long distance works really well for some people. I personally would love it! My own time and space and then just see them at the weekend or every other. Sounds perfect!

So he owns his house and half your house

So you own half a house?

Personally I would sell both and buy one but close enough to your job so you can keep working.

How long have you got till retirement?

Can't you sell both houses and buy something you can still commute to work from and in a town that he is happy with?

I wouldn't give up my job to move to somewhere where you have no ties

If he isn't up to discuss anything, then I'd give the distance relationship a go.

You may like it, you may prefer your own company or you may miss him.