I know what this is, but I need to hear it anyway

[Hescheatingisnthe]

'D'H just deleted a message thread in a bit of a fluster when I was helping him look for something on his phone. I called him out on it and he told 3 different complete lies. One of them may be true I suppose, but the fact he needed multiple totally different lies to cover up whatever it actually is hard proof right?
Obviously it's my fault he deleted it because it's innocent but he knew I wouldn't see it that way, so was protecting himself from my crazy ways. Textbook really isn't it! I just need to hear others say it. I've sent him away while I get our toddler sorted because I'm not doing this infront of her.

I'm afraid so. Sorry :(

Unless he’s arranging a surprise birthday party for you or buying you a new car or something I’d suggest you have a problem. Sorry.

My birthday has been a little while ago, he's not buying a new car, and the message thread was on Instagram. Not exactly promising for being something other than an affair is it. The brief words we did have included him swearing blind he was not having an affair. I reminded him that emotional affairs are still affairs in my eyes and are way beyond the line for me, he looked alot more concerned when I said this.
I'll be putting DD to bed in the next hour and then I'm going to calmly talk it through with him and watch him squirm. I've already suggested he packs his bags whilst I was giving DD dinner but he didn't. Suppose it's going to be a late night for him by the time he's packed and pissed off to his nearest friend!

Sorry but it does sound ominous. Did you see any of the messages at all?

I'm sorry OP but I would be thinking the same too.

I reminded him that emotional affairs are still affairs in my eyes and are way beyond the line for me, he looked alot more concerned when I said this.
Wonder if he'll go for the Monica Lewinsky defence 🙄

Haven't seen any of the messages because he opened his inbox and deleted the thread without opening it. It was top of his inbox though so obviously active.

The fact he’s deleted the messages tell you everything you need to know. I’m really sorry

How are you this morning @Hescheatingisnthe?

I would say its an affair,hes deleted it because he has something to hide x

It's either an affair or a pathetic online flirtation with someone he met on instagram like a loser. I would be surprised at affair partners using insta to message these days but some people are thick. Either way it's not ok but one scenario is presumably worse than the other.

Hi I had this with my exH, within a year his new girlfriend was pregnant. He still maintains he wasn’t messaging her…..🤣🤣I feel your pain as hard to prove anything as hes deleted but whatever he is doing he isn’t comfortable with you reading it which in itself isn’t good

We had it out last night after DD was in bed. He is adamant that it was just a thread full of memes from a woman he works with. This woman I asked who she was a few years ago because I saw her name pop up on his phone alot and she was liking alot of his social media all of a sudden. He told me she was just a colleague but it still felt a little off until I met her on the off chance and could see 100% that there was nothing untoward and she really wasn't the type of person he would date single or not. He said he panicked last night and deleted the thread because he thought I'd get suspicious that she was top of his insta messages, but that it was all cat memes and he wishes he hadn't deleted it so I could see. Offered to ring her and ask her to send a screenshot her end (which I obviously called bull on anyway because she would just delete anything bad). He gave me all his phones (old we use as a baby monitor so I have access to anyway if I wanted) and his work phone and told me I could look through everything because he didn't have anything to hide, I didn't because that's not who I am or the relationship I want. He isn't wrong in saying I am touchy about stuff like that, I know my mind can run away with me, but unfortunately it's been right in the past in previous relationships so Ill never not explore a gut feeling.
I asked him why he looked so panicked when I said that an emotional affair was just as bad as a physical one and he confessed that in the early days of our relationship he was messaging another girl. He says at the time because he had never met her in real life and knew he had zero intention of ever meeting her he didn't see it as cheating, but now because we've been together 10 years and he's grown up he knows that what he did in them early days was emotional cheating and he's never forgiven himself for it, that's why he apparently looked so worried when I said that. I did kind of already know about this, as in I knew this girl existed and was messaging him alot and I'd seen some dodgey messages over his shoulder on occasion, but I was too young and in love to rock the boat so I said nothing. Probably should have walked away then 9 years ago and Im mad at myself for not being stronger. However I am stronger now and Im not afraid of rocking the boat.
I have decided that firstly, I do trust that the messages from the woman at work were likely innocent and I'm not concerned about her, I'm more concerned about him feeling the need to delete them to "stop me over reacting". Told him that my over reaction to things like this is very much a product of my past which he has contributed too over and over as the girl he was messaging in the early days comes up in conversation on occasion and he until last night has said it was nothing. He's admitted fault and was devastated that his actions all them years ago are still affecting who we are as a couple now and wishes he could take it all back blah blah the usual. I genuinely hand on heart don't think he would ever physically cheat on me, but I don't think until last night he fully understood the consequences of just words alone. Strangely I haven't lost my trust in him, as I do actually trust what he's saying and I don't feel the need to invade his privacy of reading his phones to be sure. I am disgusted in him messaging someone else for the early part of our relationship, but I've already chosen to live with that for nearly 10 years and I'm not going to walk away now just because he's finally admitted it. So I'm staying, or more he is because it was never me who was going to be out on my arse. And I know this sounds like a cliché but honestly I think we needed this so I could have some validation and confirmation of my feelings early on, and he could finally admit his guilt about it and we can work from there. So it's not the LTB situation Mumsnet usually cheer on I'm afraid.

I dont think anyone was saying LTB yo be fair. You know him and no one on this thread does. You have to go with your gut