Conflicting emotions, xh and ow

[TheGreengrasshaswithered]

I posted about my now xh and ow and their affair a few years ago, how it destroyed our marriage, our lives, our kids lives and my relationship with xh family, the verbal abuse and threats of violence by the ow towards ds who was still a minor at that time.

So now life isn't so rosy for the pair of them, and the truth is I have mixed emotions about it, ow was a friend of ours long before the affair began and when I found out about it I immediately lost about 40 other friends, only 1 of them has spoken to me since that day.

I feel happy that their relationship is on rocky ground.

I feel vindicated, I told xh that it wouldn't be long before she moved on to the next man that piqued her interest and that's exactly what has happened.

I don't know if xh is aware of what's going on with the ow and her latest affair partner and I don't care.

I still feel sorry for the ow husband and now I feel sorry for the wife of the other man.

These new developments are going to have a massive impact on me and our now adult kids and I feel sad and angry about that.

The grass was definitely not greener on the other side.

And they say karma doesn't exist.

These new developments are going to have a massive impact on me and our now adult kids and I feel sad and angry about that

How?

Surely they can be mitigated.

They're both making themselves look like the idiot wankers they are. Are you adult kids not fully cogniscent of that by now.

ow was a friend of ours long before the affair began and when I found out about it I immediately lost about 40 other friends, only 1 of them has spoken to me since that day.

That is disgusting.

Wtf is wrong with them.

Were they more his friends than yours?

That's why women need friends that aren't through their partner.

Why do you care? I'd not want to know years later, especially when there's no reason to. You'll never know exactly what's happening. Stay out of it.

My exh's OW cheated on him a couple of years after their affair broke us up. Didn't surprise me at all as she was married when they had their affair, and I was pretty sure that the husband she was cheating on then had also been an affair. I wonder if she used affairs to get ahead in her career - she got the job my ex interviewed her for, certainly.

I'd say the effect of him breaking up with his OW was probably positive as it made it less awkward for the kids - I wouldn't have kicked up a fuss about the OW but they might have felt uncomfortable at family events or telling me about things they'd done with their dad.

I was mildly pleased at the time that he got a dose of his own medicine but OTOH it means the whole thing was a total waste of everyone's time and emotion. Today I just feel like he's a bit of a joke - his relationships since have been equally questionable but I'm the only idiot to have married him, ugh.

HA HA HA!

In your shoes, I'd be secretly really pleased.

I don't understand why this is going to have a massive impact on you and your adult kids though?

Once things fully pan out, we will have to sell the family home which me and the kids are currently living in. Ex didn't agree to sell the house and so has continued to pay the mortgage. I can afford to pay the all the other bills but not the mortgage as well

I would say nothing, stay tight lipped and dignified.

But definitely start a MN thread and laugh on here with all of us vipers

Technically we made these friends at the same time, but he saw them more often than I did.
I have other friends but we don't get to socialise very often due to time and distance.

I don't care about their relationship problems as such but I will lose my house when he inevitably has to move out of her 2nd home. I can't stay out of something that I'm a part of because of our children, our home, even our finances are still intertwined.

Ex didn't agree to sell the house and so has continued to pay the mortgage. I can afford to pay the all the other bills but not the mortgage as well

It's unusual for it not to have been sold already.

At least your kids are grown up (?) before that happened.

I see.

Very shitty of them.

I suppose it highlights the importance of trying to have local, accessible friends & acquaintances. It also highlights the importance of women not always deferring to men when it comes to free time and hobbies Vs childcare, which is often the case.

I think I would be pouring myself a large çup of tea and sitting back to watch the shit show unfold.

Re: the mortgage, are your children able to dib in, at least temporarily until you can get something else you can afford? Or are they still in education?

I would be wary of him trying to.move back in - he's paying the mortgage, his house sort of mentality. I wonder if he saw that coming.....

He thought we would lose too much money on it at that time and he thought it was unfair that I would have to pay rent out of the equity I would have got while he only paid bills while living in her property, plus one of our kids was still a minor.

Both kids now make minimal contribution to household funds because of own their circumstances, which I won't share here.

In all honesty after being told about it I cracked open a bottle of my favourite whisky because my first thought was that if he needed to vacate her property in a hurry then he would have to come back here until either the house was sold or he found somewhere else to stay.

Kids do contribute but is limited by their circumstances.

I do have acquaintances/colleagues and we go out a couple of times a month.

Covid put an end to my hobbies because not enough people wanted to return to it afterwards. Still trying to get a new group & venue together.

No need for him to go to his ex wife's house (you). He can stay with one of the 40 friends.

Sorry you went through this as well.
I agree that them breaking up means that it's easier for the kids (my oldest chose not to go anywhere they would be together, youngest chose to continue with the hobbies knowing they would be there but he didn't interact with her at all, family gatherings likewise)

Feels like I wasted 25 years of my life on him, when the affair came to light there was no apology, no understanding of how I felt, no emotion from him whatsoever

To be fair there aren't many of those freinds around now either, those that are still around were friends with her first.

Sounds like you're only bothered about the mortgage.

Do you not work?

Yeah, I remained dignified throughout all of this even when threats of physical violence were made to ds, i just, so I'll keep up the dignified silence for now.

WTF. No I'm not just worried about the mortgage.

I'm worried that I won't be able to keep a roof over our heads, that I won't be able to pay all the bills in full every fucking month.

I'm waiting for another lot of surgery due to damage sustained during an accident at work some years ago.

Yeah as it happens I do work, 5 days a week, sometimes 6, occasionally 7. A physical job with lots of manual handling.

It’s hard to sell up the family home and forge a new way forward but sooner or later it needs sorting out. Will there be equity for you to buy a smaller place? Are your DC in a position to either strike out independently or contribute to family finances? You can’t be expecting to subsidise them indefinitely. If your health issues mean you will be off work for a while can you speak to the bank about it? Or get some advice from CAB about reducing bills while you are off work? It sounds as though XH and the threat of him stopping paying the mortgage is just the final straw for you in a difficult situation. Sending waves of calm

Thank you, yes there will be equity but once it's split as per our agreement there will not be enough for both of us to buy something else suitable for our needs, neither of the kids are able to strike out on their own but both do contribute towards household expenses when they can, 1 is unlikely to be completely independent.

I'll probably be off work for between 12 and 20 weeks and then a 6 week phased return.
I've known for a few years that I would need surgery again and it has obviously come at a bad time.

Speaking to CAB is a good idea, I'll try and get in touch with them on Monday.

I'm calm now