How do I navigate relationship with my first-time mum Sister?

[MidnightSky8]

Thought this forum would be a good place to get advice on this.

DSis and I have always been very close. I love her a lot and we speak every day.

She has just had a newborn DS. He is adorable.

However, she is upset with me on a few things:

Going away on family holiday without her (she was invited, but turned it down as baby will only be 8 months at the time). To be clear, I never kept it a secret and asked if she would like to go. She feels like I purposely chose a holiday that wasn't baby friendly. We are going to Amsterdam, but we were always going to go there, whether she had baby or not. I also naively thought she might be able to bring baby, or her DH could stay with baby (I don't have kids and she's made it clear this would be a nightmare, fair enough). She's also been on family holidays without me previously, and I haven't caused a fuss! To me, that's just life. It doesn't seem 'about the holiday' though, it seems like she is using the holiday to lash out due to deeper frustrations.

I go to the pub with my other siblings (all child free) about once a month. She is upset she can't go anymore (this has been since she got pregnant obviously). If I invite her, she seems annoyed. If I don't invite her, that seems worse and sneaky to me. I am really unsure how to move forward with this.

I have told her I'm up for soft plays, baby groups, coffee dates etc but she says they are all a while away. I told her next year, we can holiday somewhere child friendly, but she doesnt seem like she wants this either. She says she will miss out on so much. I think she might just be in shock with the magnitude/change of it all, and it'll calm down?

Mum's out there, how can I still live my life without making my sis feel isolated/excluded and making myself feel guilty? How can I navigate occasions that aren't child friendly? I don't want to make her feel alone.

Your sister needs to grow up and you need to stop tip toeing around her

I'm sure every mum has missed out on something because of having kids, it's life.

Unless she is struggling to mentally adapt to motherhood (which is a possibility!) then she is being a bit “cutting her nose off to spite her face”.

There’s no reason at all why she can’t go to the pub with you all if she’s pregnant. Yes, she’s not going to be on a bender, but she could come and join you all. Being pregnant does not stop all fun. She could also come for a few hours once baby is born, even if she’s breastfeeding, so long as her partner can care for the baby.

Holidays are more tricky, but going to Amsterdam with a baby is a real non event. A short flight or even better on the Eurostar if you live in the south. Baby in a buggy or carrier. Can do lots of sightseeing and no problems getting baby food, milk, nappies etc over there and they all speak English. We took DD to Europe at six weeks for a family party and to the Caribbean at 9 months. It’s what WE wanted to do but granted holidaying with a baby isn’t everyone’s ideal. Yes your life changes with kids but you adapt, and the amount your life changes is really down to you.

I suspect she is feeling very overwhelmed by it all and struggling to get her head around it though. Start with getting her to come to the pub. Once she knows she CAN do it then it will help.

The alternative is that she wants you to put your life on hold until she feels able to participate again fully. That is very unreasonable.

You need to back away a bit, and let her be a mum and deal with it herself. She should be joining some mother's groups etc so she can socialise with people who also have kids, instead of whining about how awful her life is now that she can't be her old self. It's not up to you to fix this - she is an adult and can fix her own problems.

How old is baby ? Maybe it's just her hormones and a period of adjusting.
Can you get her partner on board and get him to offer to have baby and encourage her to go out and realise life isn't over it just different ?

She is being unreasonable and childish. It’s her choice to have a child and she will miss out of some stuff. Why should you put your life on hold? I had a friend like this and as now aren’t friends due to her attitudes and expectations l shouldn’t do stuff

Sounds like she feels left out. Not your fault just a natural result of having a baby. Maybe you could offer to babysit one night so she can go to the pub with siblings instead. Or maybe you could all go round to her house for a drink before pub.

Even if she has to keep saying no to nights out and holidays for a year or two it’s still nice to be invited.

As often on these threads, the first comment nails it perfectly.

It's her hormones and shock of becoming a mother. She just needs time to adjust. Make her feel supported even if she's talking nonsense

We did all sorts with a baby sure a night club is not good for their hearing but we never went to them many anyway, babies just tag along I don't see why something has to be 'child friendly' especially for a baby

People in Amsterdam have babies surely?

And why is hormones always use when someone behaves oddly or unreasonably it seems and excuse for everything, sure she can choose not to go or whatever

Why does she think that she can't go to Amsterdam with a 8 month old?
The Netherlands is very child-friendly, easy to navigate, the people are easy-going and speak English, and there's toilets and cafes everywhere.
She's being a bit daft.
Yes, there are things you miss out on at first as that's being a parent, but you soon learn to adapt, your expectations change, and life goes on.
Besides, if you've got a baby you need to go to HEMA. Great clothes and toys and sensible prices.

Either baby is very very young and she can't see what life with a baby looks like yet as it's all still so new, so her knee jerk reaction is to say she can't do anything. Or she's struggling with the adjustments to her new life outlook and is taking that out on you.

Practically there absolutely no reason why an 8 month old baby can't go to Amsterdam. Likewise no reason why she couldn't go to the pub when pregnant, or get her DH to look after the baby for an hour or two so she can join you.
Soft play may be a while away if baby is very little but baby groups are out there for babies from birth pretty much depending on the group.

Coffee dates are far easier now with a newborn than once they are mobile and want to reach out and eat whatever you're having.

For whatever reason, your sister is choosing not to attend these events, please don't feel it is your fault for carrying on your life. Maybe it's all just a bit overwhelming for her at the moment. If she doesn't feel she can go out, can you go to her? Take cake, make lunch/dinner, hold the baby while she has a shower, maybe suggest taking a walk out with the pram, stroll around a park or to a cafe? Gently suggest she can leave the house and the world won't end if you're with her.

I don't understand why being pregnant means she can't go in a pub. She might not fancy it, but that's her choice and fine. But you aren't leaving her out by going to a pub.

Her life has changed. She has to make adjustments. You don't have to change your life to suit. That might happen, if and when you have children, but until then, live your life as you want it. Your sister is being immature and selfish to expect that the people around her should adapt their lives around her new motherhood.

I think you just need to keep offering to go places with her that fit for her; ask her what she wants to do. I think shes being a bit precious really but I also remember being a bit like that and my DH saying that we should try taking our baby places and not just assume that it won’t work and I found that a decent amount of the time it did work and sometimes it didn’t and then we’d just head home early. It’s a process of her realising this though especially that babies are actually much more transportable compared to toddlers

It may be a while before her baby can go to soft play or toddler groups, but other things will be going on and this is the time when she should be meeting other new mums and making new friends who are having similar experiences to her. It sounds like she is feeling isolated and thinking that she will never be able to do anything fun again, and resenting you for being able to continue with your life as normal.

She should ask her health visitor or GP about postnatal groups, if they are still a thing. You tend to find out about activities through word of mouth, so going to one group leads to others.

Also she could take her baby to Amsterdam if she wanted; personally not sure I could be bothered with the fuss but I wouldn’t resent others doing it as that’s my decision. A holiday rhat is centred around her baby is unlikely to be what you want

So many people would love to have kids but can’t. Your sister made a choice to get pregnant and had a baby. Obviously that means there are things she can’t do any more, surely that’s no surprise. But she also gets to enjoy all the things having a child brings that the child free don’t. Your sister needs to grow up and stop making everything about her; you are entitled to keep living your life and shouldn’t have to change anything just because she chose to have a baby. The world doesn’t revolve around her and neither should your life.

I agree with the cutting her nose off to spite her face comment.

And also that she is struggling with the idea of it and taking it out on you. Presumably, she chose to have this baby? What exactly did she expect? That the whole world would suddenly stop to revolve around her and the baby?

Tbh, I can't think of anything I didn't do when mine were babies. And when they were still portable enough to carry in a sling - even better!

I went to a festival a few weeks ago - so many babies under 1 camping in a field amd seing bands with their ear defenders on. Including one who could only have been a matter of weeks old - still had the new born cry! If she's martyring herself to motherhood already, she's going to find it one long, joyless slog.

Newborn babies are quire capable of going to the pub too. Maybe not in a crowded one to see a band on a Saturday night but a quiet one for a drink... newborn babies sleep loads, feed discreetly and generally don't have to he stopped from running around or placated with lemonade and crisps.

If she thinks it's impossible now, wait until they're mobile! 😉

But, whatever, its incredibly self centred of her to expect others to change their lives for her.

I don't want to make her feel alone.

She's doing that to herself. You're fine. Carry on.

How old is the baby now? It sounds like she could be suffering from baby blues, it’s likely to just be an adjustment period but it could be the start of PND.

Many baby groups are suitable for very young children but I found 4-5m was the earliest age in terms of baby’s engagement. Many soft plays have baby rooms / areas with sensory things like lights and stuff, again can be enjoyed by the very small.

Coffee/lunch is one of the easiest things with a non mobile baby so not sure why she can’t do this unless the baby is very tiny but even then I took my 4 day old to the pub, whilst I had a catheter in (not sure anyone expected me to flash a leg bag full of wee).

I agree with PP that Amsterdam is pretty family friendly. And 8mo is an easy time to go away (although when you’re in it doesn’t feel like it), much easier than a toddler.

I think that some people have an idea of what having a baby is like but once the baby is here they find out it's harder or more difficult than they expected.

At one stage one of my friends had a 5 year old a toddler and a new born. She decided to turn down wedding invites and certain things until her youngest was a bit older and her 3 kids could be left with family/friends. A lot of her friends were at the same stage but she still try to meet up say for a coffee or get her partner to mind the child when she went out for a few hours.

In your case I think that your not ignoring or excluding your sister. Your trying to get her out of the house with the baby and making suggestions re places or things that you can now do.
Her child is 8 months old now and it's easier to go places before they get mobile.
If she wants to sit at home and feel sorry for herself that's her problem. Yes, her life has changed but she needs to look into things, met mother's at her stage and aim to get out of the house. Herself and her partner also need the odd few baby free hours as well.

I think as well that it's important for a mother to have some childfree time.

Thanks folks. I will definitely go and visit her more at her house. Maybe not right now, as her DH is off on pat leave and I understand this could be precious time for the 3 of them. I'll pop round when he's back at work and suggest a walk.

I'm just going to keep inviting her to events/plans, and she can turn them down if she wishes. You're right, I cant feel guilty for living life and I would never change or cancel plans just because they don't suit her.

The baby was planned, but I think it might be the reality of the change hitting her now.

@Finchgold I don't think I'll be able to babysit tbh. I don't have a clue! I'd be a nervous wreck being left alone with a baby. I'd definitely help out when DN is a bit older though.