Sexless Marriage 5 years sorry it’s a long one.

[KD79]

i am at the end of the road now, and have no other ways to turn so really not sure what to do.
I Have been with my Husband for 16 years and married for 10. There is 10 years between us. He is 53 and I am 43. We have 2 beautiful daughters , and on the whole a very good marriage.
I believe my husband has ED though this has never officially been diagnosed. He will not go the doctors.
It all started about 5 years ago with premature ejaculation. We had a very healthy sex life up until about this time. I didn’t really worry to begin with as he could always go again and the second time he would be fine. Then over time he couldn’t get it up for the second time so we would have a 30 second session and then it would be sleepy time. Again he would please me in other ways , so never really a issue.
About 3 years ago he could not get it hard enough for sex, and now can not get it up at all.
he done a online doctor consultation after us discussing it, and got some tablets online, which worked momentarily, but then it would be the 30 seconds and done routine.
I have tried to be supportive , but as horrible as it is for him, it has impacted my mental health too.
I have gone through the , is it me? Doesn’t he fancy me anymore? Why does he not want to fix this? I have cried, bared my soul and begged him to get help, doctors, couple therapy anything! He just shuts down.
I still fancy the pants off him and don’t want anyone else, but I don’t know how I feel about life in a sexless marriage. Well I do, it really upsets me.
can anyone offer me any advice on what to do?
I would love a males opinion or someone who has come through this!
what did you do?
what else can I do?
Thanks for reading.

Seriously OP, he needs to go and see his G.P. There could be any number of causes. I can't believe he is happy in a sexless marriage either, what is his mood like generally, is he content otherwise?
As this is impacting on your mental health its pretty cruel of him not to at least try to discover what could be the reason. If he continues to be determined not to explore things medically ( and it could be something that needs treatment like diabetes, high blood pressure, depression or heart issues) then you may have to reconsider your future. At 43 you really shouldn't have to put up with lack of intimacy or be pleading and begging him to see a Doctor.

BTW sorry but l'm not a male, men tend to be in the minority on here.

Agreed he needs to see a doctor and find out if its something physical or mental. At 53 he should still be ready and willing.

Just to add, he's probably embarrassed but shouldn't be that's what your gp is there for, they may not be able to solve it themselves but like any other medical issue they are your gateway to further help.

Sex seems to be a difficult topic to discuss with a man if there is a problem their end, be it a physical issue or just a lack of interest. Is it something out might consider leaving him over?

Your DH needs to know you're prepared to leave over this, not because the sex isn't working right now, but because he is refusing to do anything to try to improve the situation, despite knowing that this makes you unhappy. Having an active sex life is a normal part of marriage and if you're committed to each other, that should include meeting each other's needs for physical affection. We all know that there are seasons where that's going to be difficult, eg a severe depressive episode, after new baby, etc, but in the long term, if you love somebody then you want them to feel happy and fulfilled. Which is why it's not "just sex", but it's about the wider picture of you caring about each other's wellbeing.

Some resources from Dr Psych Mom, who's great on this topic - her podcasts are very entertaining :

When your husband won't have sex is about a similar situation to yours. She writes : "But what if your husband refuses to try anything to address the problem? If you try to talk about the issue over and over, and your husband stonewalls or minimizes or mocks your need for physical touch (this linked post is about women who do this but men can act similarly), you have to think about whether this is the right relationship for you long term. I would advise men or women in this situation to start their own counseling and figure out why they are willing to stay in a relationship where their needs are not even being recognized, nevermind being met. Often, there are deep self-esteem issues at play, originating in your upbringing but amplified by years of emotional disconnect and rejection."

Podcast (under 20 mins) : Isn't it shallow to divorce over lack of sex? https://open.spotify.com/episode/7aovFcnH9krbdH4qiUyLvU?si=V4NIK8tmQsuPL4xNCWmmeg

Should I stay in sexless marriage?

Is sex a need or a want?

I’m am male (and the same age as well ), he definitely needs a gp visit as consistently having ED at this age is an absolute red flag for future health problems, including diabetes and heart issues.

https://www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-matters-magazine/wellbeing/erectile-dysfunction

forget about the sex for now, he has bigger health issues to deal with and may need a life style overhaul.

what is his overall health like?

Yes, I've been it this situation with my DH. And I'm still in it. It just never got any better, despite trying testosterone pills and vitamins etc. No sex life at all now. He's 50. I'm a bit older. Everything else is good, so I'm not waking away. We are both overweight. I'm hoping that maybe when we feel better about our bodies that things might come back for us.

Does he still try to please you OP, or does he expect you to just lump it and pretend you don’t have your own sexuality?

He generally is content. When I press the issue he will reassure me that he does want all that, and he wants our marriage back on track, but then he does nothing. I am starting to feel as though he just doesn’t want me/it, though he is still caring. When I get upset he will go and buy something really lovely which will please me momentarily, but then the issue comes back and it’s the same old saga. 😭

I have packed a bag a few times in a attempt to frighten him into action, right or wrong, but honestly , I do
love him so much. I just want what we had back before we get to
old.
I don’t know wether it has gone on too long. Honestly do not know what else to do. I don’t want to hurt my children by breaking up the family over lack of intimacy. I honestly have no answers yet.

He has not come near me at all well Atleast this year, I actually can not remember the last time he touched me. However that is not entirely his fault because during a argument about it, I told him that if he didn’t want me sexually then I no longer wanted him to grab my boobs as and when he felt like it. He gets what he wants and I get FA so he has stopped doing that.
I think we both need therapy but I know he would rather poke his own eyeballs out before baring his soul to a stranger! 😢

Again being a stubborn man, he will not go the doctors. The most recent health issue was a diagnosis of diverticulitis, but they investigated cancer to begin with (this was 2 years ago).
He is mildly over weight, 5’8 and 13.5 stone. Blood pressure can be high but not enough to need medication.
he takes no medication to manage his health and other than what is listed, and what I have moaned about, he is generally fit and well.
In you opinion, should I book him a appointment and force him, or what?
I can not describe how stubborn he is. He can not see passed his own nose, and I honestly think he just looks to the next day and no further down the line.