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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm the problem, aren't I?

21 replies

Scrambledeggplant · 23/06/2023 15:05

I've had a good few relationships, several of those were longterm ones ranging between 2-8 years. I had two babies (pill babies, not planned) in two of my longest relationships. At the beginning I've always made sure that marriage was in the horizon, and that they wanted that too.

My current relationship I've been in for nearly a decade. He'd always say he'd propose before 4 years, but here I am still waiting. He says he's not ready, why fix what's not broken, etc.. I mention it to him every now and then, but he says I'm pestering and nagging him and that I know he's not ready, but it's something that really gets to me for some reason, especially recently as a few of his friends have got married. It's like a ache in my heart when I ask myself why do I have to beg and wait for something which other women get without asking, or having to work hard to prove that they're worthy enough for? Out of all of my "serious" relationships, half are either engaged or married now with women they dated straight after me or while with me, so it makes me wonder if maybe I'm the problem? He's a great dad to my baby, even though he's not the world's best partner at times I won't lie, but I can't see myself being any happier with anyone else right now as if it weren't for him I wouldn't have had the courage to do half the stuff I've achieved in life. He's a workaholic, farming will always come before family no matter what, but I feel like I've done the whole "giving him the cow for free" thing. I do feel that my bar is set high, I have high standards even though they could be better if I were to ever date again, but that's not important while my baby is still young. I just need to know if there's something stopping men from seeing me as forever or marriage material, and how could I change that? It's not my main focus on relationships, I may mention it a few times a year, certainly not something I mention a lot of. But enough so that I make my intentions clear.

OP posts:
SauceForTheGoose · 23/06/2023 15:13

You don't want the same things.
This is a win lose situation. One person will be happy and the other one won't be.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 23/06/2023 15:14

if I were to ever date again, but that's not important while my baby is still young

Your youngest child must be at least 10 though? If you've been with Mr EverNotReady for nearly a decade?

I just need to know if there's something stopping men from seeing me as forever or marriage material, and how could I change that?

Don't move in until you're engaged, with a definite time frame for the wedding.

Scrambledeggplant · 23/06/2023 15:21

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 23/06/2023 15:14

if I were to ever date again, but that's not important while my baby is still young

Your youngest child must be at least 10 though? If you've been with Mr EverNotReady for nearly a decade?

I just need to know if there's something stopping men from seeing me as forever or marriage material, and how could I change that?

Don't move in until you're engaged, with a definite time frame for the wedding.

My eldest is, but I made it to year 8 before I fell pregnant with current partner. I only moved in after baby was 2m old, before then I had never lived with another man. I only moved in this time purely for convenience with baby

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 23/06/2023 15:22

Yea, don't take next steps without clear intentions, that way you spot the future fakers sooner and move on.

waitingtoretire · 23/06/2023 15:23

Can you organise a wedding and just tell him on the morning? Ie 'oh by the way darling meet me at the town hall at 1pm and pop that suit on, You brother will drive you. ' and wait for him to run up?

Opentooffers · 23/06/2023 15:27

So you had 8 years of stagnation and still you went along with it and now you have no cards in your hand as you've done it all. What's in it for him except risking money?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/06/2023 15:28

He will never marry you, he’s married to the farm and he’s given you all the excuses such men give.

I would show him the meaning of loss.

Scrambledeggplant · 23/06/2023 15:30

Opentooffers · 23/06/2023 15:27

So you had 8 years of stagnation and still you went along with it and now you have no cards in your hand as you've done it all. What's in it for him except risking money?

I tried leaving several times, but every time he'd say things will change, clearly fake promises. Makes it so hard to actually let go when you keep wondering if maybe it'll happen this month, year etc. But deep down you know it probably won't ever happen. I just don't know how to actually let go..

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 23/06/2023 15:30

His house, his farm, you are in very vulnerable position financially by not being married.
He could ask you to leave at any time. Do you work? Own your own home?

ZekeZeke · 23/06/2023 15:31

waitingtoretire · 23/06/2023 15:23

Can you organise a wedding and just tell him on the morning? Ie 'oh by the way darling meet me at the town hall at 1pm and pop that suit on, You brother will drive you. ' and wait for him to run up?

Never heard anything so ridiculous in my life

Scrambledeggplant · 23/06/2023 15:32

ZekeZeke · 23/06/2023 15:30

His house, his farm, you are in very vulnerable position financially by not being married.
He could ask you to leave at any time. Do you work? Own your own home?

No to either of them! But he doesn't own his house either, so not sure if he could just ask me to leave? I don't see why he would ask me to leave though and why he'd want to make me and his baby homeless. He just isn't that kind of person

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/06/2023 15:33

He’s future faking you and has done since the early days of your relationship.

How many more fake promises from him are you going to swallow?. Marriage to him is not ever going to happen.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/06/2023 15:35

You are not married to him and there is also no civil partnership in place.

Who owns the property?.

Is it mortgaged or does he pay rent to a landlord?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/06/2023 15:37

Do not ever assume that he would not kick you all out because he is not that kind of person. These types of men are nice until they are not.

He has all the power and control here in this relationship. And he knows it too.

drpet49 · 23/06/2023 15:38

waitingtoretire · 23/06/2023 15:23

Can you organise a wedding and just tell him on the morning? Ie 'oh by the way darling meet me at the town hall at 1pm and pop that suit on, You brother will drive you. ' and wait for him to run up?

What a terrible idea.

MrLbz · 23/06/2023 15:38

I've found people generally act in their own best interests. What's in it for him to marry you?

ZekeZeke · 23/06/2023 15:39

Scrambledeggplant · 23/06/2023 15:32

No to either of them! But he doesn't own his house either, so not sure if he could just ask me to leave? I don't see why he would ask me to leave though and why he'd want to make me and his baby homeless. He just isn't that kind of person

Who owns the property? His par3nts?
Unless you are on the lease, yes he can ask you to leave anytime.
Financial independence is so important, even if its just a part time job.
Relationships break all the time, being married you have some financial recourse, re pension, property, savings etc

Watchkeys · 23/06/2023 15:39

I just need to know if there's something stopping men from seeing me as forever or marriage material, and how could I change that

There is something about this man that stops him doing that. This isn't about you, but for as long as you think it is, you'll never be able to get a solution to your problem.

The solution is that, if you have a relationship with someone who can't or won't give you what you want, you leave them. You are responsible for getting what you want in life, but nobody else is responsible for giving it to you. This is you, yes, who has the problem, but you have to recognise that having a problem with something doesn't mean you are wrong, or broken, or faulty. It means that you want what you want, and that's all. For example, I have a problem with eating broccoli. What's wrong with me? Nothing. So I just don't eat it. You have a problem with his relationship goals and aims, and the way he treats you. What's wrong with you? Nothing. So you just walk away from the relationship.

Specso · 23/06/2023 16:09

waitingtoretire · 23/06/2023 15:23

Can you organise a wedding and just tell him on the morning? Ie 'oh by the way darling meet me at the town hall at 1pm and pop that suit on, You brother will drive you. ' and wait for him to run up?

This is both absolutely cringe and a terrible idea!

Definitely do not do this!

KitchenSinkLlama · 23/06/2023 16:25

waitingtoretire · 23/06/2023 15:23

Can you organise a wedding and just tell him on the morning? Ie 'oh by the way darling meet me at the town hall at 1pm and pop that suit on, You brother will drive you. ' and wait for him to run up?

Utter nonsense.

You do realise that both parties to a marriage have to apply to give notice at the register office, in person. You can't get married without this.

Aprilx · 23/06/2023 16:46

I feel quite sure that there isn’t anything about you that is stopping all and any men from wanting to marry you. You just haven’t met the right person yet and not least because you have been wasting your time on one’s that have been stringing you along.

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