Double life

[Loveabitofrain]

Hi all! May I vent and find out if anyone else has experienced what I have?

I have been utterly stupid. I was with my now ex partner for 7 years.

Ordinarily I’d consider myself fairly intelligent, I’ve a good job and have my shit together. So why have I messed up so so badly here?!

Ive tolerated and forgiven countless occasions of other women being messaged. Comments made toward other women on social media, my gut feeling when I know I’m being lied to! Emotional abuse!

Well the latest is that in 2021 he left as I’d seen comments (sexual) towards a woman on Twitter for all to see, including his daughter!! Apparently it was my fault and he “hated” that I would check up on him.

Over the past 2 years, we’ve tried. He’s come off certain social media platforms. He’s addressed his alcohol issues. It’s been tough. However I thought despite it all a corner was being turned.

He's made me feel I’m the issue; I’m always checking up on him, I’m a stalker, I’m controlling. You know how it goes! Yes I should have walked away, a very long time ago!

I’ve felt very uncomfortable about his living arrangements in this period. But he’s very good at lip service, and his stories were excellent! Very believable! It never added up in my mind though.

He’s been helping his ex financially as she’s been struggling since their kids turned adults and the benefits stopped. They separated 8 years ago.

She works the absolute bare minimum, but nonetheless I tried to be understanding.

He’d been staying at my house 5 nights per week and I’ve been buying his food and helping him meet his credit card commitments. Yeah I’m that stupid!

The aim was always him moving back.

Recently I spotted that he had changed his screen saver from us to something different. Off my alarm bells go! He says it’s because he doesn’t want a colleague asking questions. Didn’t believe that for a second.

Anyway that set me off and I discovered that he’s not been staying with the person he says he was, and hasn’t since 2021! He told me he’d been giving her a few hundred quid when the truth is he never gave her a penny.

So I can only conclude he’s living back at his exes and giving her significantly more money than he cares to admit.

How does anyone keep up the pretence for that long?

I know I’m done this time. All I feel is anger, no upset, which I used to feel rather bizarrely. I feel excited for the future, I feel happier!

Anyone else experienced this? My mum called it Walter Mitty land! I’ve never heard of that before!

It utterly baffles me how people can do this to others that have just so much for them.

Not much to add OP but there has been a spate of these threads recently, I believe the term used for these men is ‘cake - eaters’.

Morally bankrupt also springs to mind.

Thanks and spot on!

Your mum is spot on with Walter Mitty. Some failing in his character probably as a result of some thing which happened to him in his childhood. x

Hey I just found out mine was living a double life last month. Absolute pos.

What an awful awful human. Should be illegal in my opinion! I feel for you but you can finally get rid and move on with someone who deserves you. Good luck

What a horrible man. I’m so sorry op. I recently found out my long term partner had been sleeping with multiple women since my eldest was born and I didn’t have a clue. The heartache is the worst. It’s so hard to comprehend a human can treat another human so badly. The sense of entitlement and the way they can just compartmentalise blows my mind. I can’t even tell a small lie without feeling bad.

With respect you need to take accountability for you and stop pretending to be mystified by someone who is behaving very consistently like someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

Spend less time wondering about his head and focus on you.

It's not at all normal to want to be with someone like this. You've done it for years! Solve that mystery.

@Pineapplewatermelon God are there any good ones out there ????

I was with my partner for 1.5 years. Nicest fella you'd ever meet. Physically my type to a tea.

He was a bit off after Christmas. Cold and not as affectionate. I asked a few times and he just said he wasn't well. I brought him in for blood tests etc. Didn't do toxicology...

Early last month I asked about his savings. He's on good money. Turned out he spent 7k from savings and god knows how much more on cocaine and gambling. I went through his phone.. saw a fiver on only fans in April. Swore on his nephew there was nothing else..

I went on a walk around his estate. Got a message request. Girl in Canada had been sending him nudes since Nov and he blocked her and she was pissed.

I'm still in shock ! Joined the gym and I'm 21 pounds down. 3 stone down since last October. I got a new job last week and I'm delighted.

I found interviews awful. He slagged me about it every time I didnt get it.

I was abused by my ex and assaulted twice sexually and he still did this to me.

He never took accountability for the cheating. She added me ! She sent them to me !

She sent him nudes at his 30th birthday in Feb at the party I ORGANISED. Knew when I saw that.. he wasn't the man I knew and loved.

His family is full of criminals and low lives and 3 of them begged me to take him back cause im his whole world.. 🤣 i think hes a sociopath. 0 empathy. Blocked every one of them and deleting all the photos etc.

Im telling ya it can't get any worse can it pineapple. If it does my god I'll shoot someone 🤣

Sending ye all hugs from Ireland 🇮🇪 💖 we know our worth and that is the main thing. Feic these "men".

Woman I worked with found out her dh of over a decade had another family elsewhere.. 3 dc with 1 a year younger than theirs! She didn't throw him out. Just pretended those dc didn't exist.. As did he when he was found out.

@H112 goodness what a sleaze ball.

I hope there are decent men out there, I am traumatised from my experience.

well I did 15 years and two kids before I found out and you would not even believe the lies and years of gaslighting. I still haven’t quite processed it. Kids are still very young.

I don’t understand why he ever has kids or a family. He actually is from a rather upper middle class family too. Deceived everyone.

@Pineapplewatermelon me too. I just feel so disgusting. I'm 5'11 and he was 6 ft 6. My ideal physically. Both our families loved both of us. He hid this whole other life.. he was texting her online when he was in my bedroom in my parents house :/

I miss him so much but then I'm like ?? He doesn't even exist. The man I love doesn't exist. It's crazy.

Feel for you pineapple it's so draining.

@Niceseasidetown no pretence here. How I genuinely felt.

What a shame you lack compassion.

And there was nothing respectful about your reply.

To everyone else thanks for much for the understanding and support.

Sorry to hear some of your stories! It’s crazy how some people don’t think twice about treating another human like that!

It really is ok to grieve it and be “mystified” by it though. It’s part of the grieving process.