An in law one - advice

[Hillywalks]

I've wrote a post 3 times then deleted it. It don't want my post to be identifiable but without giving information it's hard to explain what's been going on. What I will say is that I've posted several times about them over the years and always get told I'm not unreasonable at all.

Suffice to say I've reached the absolute end of my tether. I blame my husband really because he's been totally incapable of setting boundaries or dealing with his parents. They have said and done some truly horrible things over the years and dh is completely passive about it.

When I try to speak to dh about any of it he pretends not to have noticed or to have heard what's happened or says he didn't think what to do at the time. He gets in a state and starts sweating and stuttering as though he's cornered. He says he'll speak to them, but things never get any better.

We only ever really argue when we see them. He reverts to a little boy around them and it's unbearable.

Could you ask him what he would/say if these were work colleagues or aquaintances?

Would do or say

I don’t have any advice, but I feel your pain.
My ex in-laws were a nightmare. MIL especially, went out of her way to try and ruin our wedding day.
Couldn’t trust either of them as far as could throw them.
one of the perks of getting divorced… I got to divorce them at the same time.

ex H never stood up for me to them…. Should have seen that red flag from the start… but I didn’t ☹️

is it an option for you to go NC with them ?

Not excusing him at all here because his primary loyalty should be to you as his wife. His own inertia when it comes to his parents hurts him as much as you.

What do you know about his childhood?. My guess is that it was a very unhappy and fearful one.

He has been conditioned from childhood by one or both parents to believe that the sky will fall in on him if he does not comply completely with their wishes/demands. They say jump and he says how high. He still wants their approval even though he is an adult with agency and does not need this.

He may well want to continue to have a relationship with them but it does not follow that you have to as well. You would not tolerate their behaviour from a friend, your in-laws are no different.

He needs to deal with his fear obligation and guilt re his parents through therapy, would he be willing to see a therapist?. would he be willing to read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward?.

He won’t stand up to them so you should. It shouldn’t be down to you. But if he’s so incapacitated by them then it’s time for you to be the bad guy and lay down some boundaries. Who cares if they hate you. It’ll make your life easier

You go NC with them.
If your DH wants them in his life then so be it, let him work away.

This is the best advice. Have your relationship with them on your terms. Make a note of any arguments you have that's as a result of their behaviour or his inaction and eliminate most if not all of those situations.

Also if he ever expresses having a hard time with them himself a therapist that specialises in parent/child relationships might be good for him.

Stepping away from ils in the past was very empowering! I took away their opportunity to tut and scowl at me!
I can recommend it op.