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Original poster

Why does MIL do this!?

20 replies

NotLactoseFree · 23/06/2023 09:58

Last week, DH asked MIL if she could help out by coming to our house when the washing machine man was coming as I have an appointment. "yes yes, of course, I'd love to help."

Yesterday I rang her to check details, confirm arrangements and explain slight variables based on uncertainty of when he would arrive, "Of course, I will come any time. Just tell me. Wake me up and I'll come straight away if you need me early."

This morning, I rang her and asked if I could fetch her at 10:00 instead of 11 as was worried I'd be fetching her when the man arrived: Angry/defensive tone: "No, I have lots of work. I need to be at home as much as possible today. Come at 11 like you said."

Why? WHY?

OP posts:
BookLover7777 · 23/06/2023 10:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

BookLover7777 · 23/06/2023 10:01

Sorry! Completely misread what you'd said. Will ask MN to delete previous comment. Yes, v. annoying she said she'd be flexible then refused to.

Rainrainstayawaytilseptember · 23/06/2023 10:02

We used to have the opposite issue. Ils insisted arriving at 8am was appropriate whatever pre arranged time we had agreed. Drive me nuts. Just don't have her do anything in future.

pilates · 23/06/2023 10:02

That is annoying

Fighterofthenightman1 · 23/06/2023 10:03

Control

Aquamarine1029 · 23/06/2023 10:05

It's all about control. She has the upper hand and she's not about to let you forget it.

Nclktnntt · 23/06/2023 10:17

I would have replied "ahhh ok, no problem, I thought you said you could do anytime today, my mistake. In that case you'll just need to get a taxi or bus then so we make sure we don't miss him, see you at 11"

People like this used to really annoy me, so I started refusing to get wound up or stressed due to their behaviour. They can do what they like and that'll mean getting themselves there if they can't be ready when I can get them. I'd have already told my husband so when she moans to him - he already knows the truth and why she was told to get a taxi or be ready earlier.

Brontathedog · 23/06/2023 10:22

Playing devils advocate, could it be timing?

When she initially responded, maybe she wasn't busy or didn't think she would be busy? Then suddenly was busy? Perhaps!

If you have other examples then maybe it's not that.

Original poster
NotLactoseFree · 23/06/2023 10:24

Honestly, she does this a lot, or some form of it. I honestly think it's because she agrees to things without thinking them through (DH and SIL are exactly the same) and then when it comes to it, she realises it's harder than she expected. She also gets rather irrational ideas in her head so also thinks things are more difficult/complex than they actually are.

Usually I just say, "thanks but no thanks" or similar but in this instance I can't. I have no one else who can be here for the washing machine man and I can't cancel my appointment. I have two friends who normally would step in at such a time but they are both unavailable today. And if the machine doesn't get fixed today, they can't send the engineer out until next week!

I'm just so cross. I really didn't need this today. And needless to say, I had hoped the washing machine man would come at a slightly different time but instead, it's looking like he'll arrive as I leave and so she'll have to do everything. I am dreading it.

and slightly annoyed with DH who didn't call the washing machine people when we knew it was dying but instead waited until it was completely and utterly dead, meaning we cannot be flexible

OP posts:
Suprima · 23/06/2023 10:25

Had your DH phoned, the answer would have been different

Original poster
NotLactoseFree · 23/06/2023 10:26

Nclktnntt · 23/06/2023 10:17

I would have replied "ahhh ok, no problem, I thought you said you could do anytime today, my mistake. In that case you'll just need to get a taxi or bus then so we make sure we don't miss him, see you at 11"

People like this used to really annoy me, so I started refusing to get wound up or stressed due to their behaviour. They can do what they like and that'll mean getting themselves there if they can't be ready when I can get them. I'd have already told my husband so when she moans to him - he already knows the truth and why she was told to get a taxi or be ready earlier.

She cannot get herself here. It's not even an option.

I did do a very similar version of this a few months ago when she let DD down for something. But I feel like I have no choice this time. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place as my great aunt likes to say.

OP posts:
Blondey2023 · 23/06/2023 10:29

So did you actually confirm 11am with her yesterday?

LadyJ2023 · 23/06/2023 10:33

But in all fairness you agreed on 11 and changed it to 10

Nclktnntt · 23/06/2023 10:39

Ahhh ok - seems like you are stuck on this one, and could be a control thing like people are suggesting, unless you book the taxi for her? Would that not be an option.

If that's not an option My other response would have been more guilt / helpless then 'ahhh crap, I thought you said you could do earlier and I really don't want to risk missing him, not to worry if your really busy I get it, we'll just have to sort another day if we do miss him that's all, see you at 11 as planned'

Either way try not to let it annoy you as it'll set your day off on the wrong foot. Everything is solvable, always. (Im that annoying optimistic friend everyone has and gets annoyed with when they're in a mood 😂)

QwertyWitch · 23/06/2023 10:42

I'd be annoyed too.
You said 11 then changed it to 10 at short notice. Even though she was willing initially, it is annoying when you plan your morning then expect to change it at short notice.
You should have said 10 initially.

Original poster
NotLactoseFree · 23/06/2023 10:45

No, I said "most likely 11" and she assured me that she could be flexible and would even come very early if I needed her to and if that was the case I should just call and wake her up.

I would totally agree that she has the right to be annoyed if I'd made a firm 11:00 plan but as I said in my OP, I had explained that there were some variables that might impact the timing a bit.

On plus side, washing machine man hero is here and assures me he'll be done in another 10 minutes! So I've rang her to tell her she doesn't need to come at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotLactoseFree · 23/06/2023 10:50

@Nclktnntt the issue with things like cabs is an ENTIRELY different story so let's just park that one as a "no, I cannot send a cab to her house" and leave it at that! Grin Although DH is working on finding a specific cab driver who we know to be her default/preferred driver when necessary. That reminds me that I must check in with him on how that's going so that once it's set up I can also call him if necessary.

I HAVE used the guilt/helpless type thing in the past but to be honest, it makes no difference.

Thank god the whole problem has gone away. She drives me mad but to be fair, overall, she's not a bad MIL. She just does this sort of thing a lot and it infuriates me. She does it t the DC too sometimes and that REALLY REALLY winds me up. Although I have to say, I'm not sure exactly what happened but I think DH had a word with her last time she did it to DD and she stopped so that's something.

OP posts:
FloofCloud · 23/06/2023 10:53

I feel your pain!
My MIL literally has a paddy if you ask anything, can you look after the dog for a few nights 'oh goodness what if she quarrels with our dog (they're best doggie friends).
Can you have the children overnight so we can go away overnight for our wedding anniversary and significant birthdays 'oh goodness I just don't know, well we have an appointment at 4pm the next day what if you're not back in time' well we'll be leaving at 11am and it's half an hour away... oh well you never know about traffic 🤯
Another time we asked for some help and the response was 'well I'll have to check with your brother first as he's a single parent, what if he needs help (EOW only ... so has plenty of 'him' time!)

Literally never ask anymore ...

Original poster
NotLactoseFree · 23/06/2023 11:03

I wouldn't mind if she said no. it's the enthusiastic, "of course, I'll do anything, can be super flexible" followed by, on the day, "ooh, no, I can't do that. How dare you ask me."

OP posts:
Easipeelerie · 24/12/2023 23:47

He’s left you with the wifework - all the MIL admin, negotiation, gameplaying, worry about timing etc.
He’s asked his mum, his - not yours. He should have done all of this.

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