Narc? Red flags? Or me over reacting?

[MopeyDopey]

hi wise MNersI think I need help being told the guy I'm seeing is a narc? Or crazy.

I ended things last night. He seemed angry and I was scared. It wasn't lashing out, just a quiet anger. There were a couple of follow up messages.

After a month, I think there's been

attempted love bombing - lots of talk about the future
Very "romantic" in a cliche way
Claims to have ADHD as an explanation for apparently being rubbish at housework
Has made comments on women and how they dress
Was previously in an open relationship but explanations of things don't add up there
Has dropped his ex's name in at odd times

I feel as if he's taken over my life within a month. He finds any excuse to message.

Also Quite snobby - I think he looks down on some people

I don't expect someone to have the same opinions as me and I had an ex who used to be a bit "laptop class". Some of it is just spouting shit they haven't thought about, I know.

I must admit, I woke up and reached for the phone to say sorry for ending it.

Then I thought I'd post here instead. I think he's a fragile narcissist? I think he would be hard to get rid of. This is just a vibe I'm getting now I've seen through the love bombing.

I'm right aren't I? There is nothing good about that list?

I worked with his company, that's how we met. and I heard people had to pussyfoot around him, they say everything "upsets" him.

I thought he'd be impossible to get rid of if it went on longer. Just a gut feeling.

He sounds like a wanker.

Sorry, off the point, but what's "laptop class"?

Does he need a label other than ‘bellend’?

I don't think it's helpful to try and diagnose him as a narc. A lot of these things wouldn't bother me but they do bother you and that's okay. You can dump someone and have no hard feelings!

Lol at some of these, thank you

laptop class - the type who thinks a factory or retail worker is "beneath" them.

And I'm so tired
dating is exhausting.

You've done the right thing. Cut contact if you can. I was in similar situation.

I'll have to see him at work at least twice this summer, then it depends if we continue working with his firm.

I don't really get how this happened in a month but one red flag I see now is that he wanted to come here, so he knows where I live, which I dislike. It's about an hour's drive though so I expect he'll just move on, or get back with the ex whose name he seemed to drop in a lot.

Narcissists tend to be controlling and abusive. People who are also controlling and abusive often use similar behaviours, it doesn't mean they are narcissists.

The love bombing is a red flag. The good news is that they will test you in the early stages to see if you are compliant. If you fail, they are more likely to let go and move on because they haven't invested much in the relationship.

So be firm, refuse any contact, and don't try to placate him if he contacts you.

Don't be looking to diagnose or label people. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is pretty rare. He may have it, he may not, not for a forum to diagnose.

Yea he may have shown 'small N' narcissistic traits or been a common or garden snotty wanker with few social graces but you noticed it quickly and gave him his marching orders and that's what matters. He's entitled to feel upset at being dumped, you can't expect to control that. It didn't sound like he was abusive or threatening. Most people would take it on the chin after a short fling being ended and have the social awareness to say all the normal 'all the best' type things. He didn't, which is another clue that he may not be the nicest man out there.

Dating is exhausting but take breaks, meet people quickly after matching, be very economical with the benefit of the doubt, and don't be afraid to say 'nice meeting you but I don't think this is quite right for me long term, we'll leave it here' at any point in proceedings and stick to it.

Narc? No. Wanker? Yes

The work colleagues saying many pussyfoot around him and EVERYTHING upsets him.

This is your future with him OP.

Don't look back.
Be professional and polite lucky you weren't further in. Or he knows where you live.

Sorry,
i used the word narc a bit casually

in terms of dating, I don't date as such, only if I meet someone I like.

it's interesting that posters feel he hasn't done anything threatening. Comments about women and how they dress really bother me. It feels like the edge of accusing someone of "asking for it".

Also, he said to me once "you'd never get cosmetic surgery would you" - someone on our project just had her lips done, he didn't bring it up randomly.

I don't know, occasionally my gut screams loudly about what feels like an anti-woman remark.

Yes, good point re "everything upsets him".

I will certainly be professional and polite. There's two meetings scheduled and I might be able to dial in for one of them. After that I hope that will be it.

I feel as though I got taken in, I thought my boundaries were strong but I guess not.

Alright, well, you've ended things. Just leave it. Don't ring him again. He was a tosspot, fine. But it isn't really fair or worthwhile to start extrapolating harm from comments he's made. It isn't his business what women wear or do to their faces but no, it isn't threatening to comment to you. Charmless for sure. Controlling IF he had tried to stop you doing what you wanted but it didn't get to that point so why wonder 'what if it did'?

Block him if you feel it draws a line. Be civil at work whilst inwardly thanking yourself that you don't have to spend any more of your free time with him but why are you prolonging this by calling him to apologise and now posting here very determined to pull together all of this evidence that he is a danger? Just move on. He showed he wasn't a particularly nice man and you shut the door on him. All is under control.

Yeah commenting on other women/how they dress is definitely a red flag for me too. Sounds like they weren't particularly nice comments?

You've done the right thing. None of us can say whether or not he's a narc from what you've posted, but I'd always encourage listening to your gut. If something doesn't feel right, it isn't.

How does he drop his ex's name into the conversation, can you give an example?

It does sound like he might be a fragile narc.

Oh sorry, brain fail.

I didn't call him to apologise. I reached for the phone to do it...then posted here instead.

re women, we've seen some women in short dresses and he's muttered about them attracting the "wrong sort of man".

I guess I posted to reassure myself I haven't just dumped someone lovely.

Dropping ex's name in - I think it's been three times, eg "oh she likes this music" when it came on in the flat. To me it's obvious you don't say that, unless you're either still in love with them, or fishing for a reaction.

He doesn't need a diagnosis-and I suspect neither you or anyone on here is qualified to make one.

What's important is that he appears to have no redeeming features. Well done for dumping. Now move on.

He has all the redeeming features
intelligent, sexy, fun to be with, lots in common

the lovebombing is very similar to how I fell for my last partner (he wanted children, I didn't).

I suppose it reminds me of that relationship, which was great and heartbreaking to end.

have my interim experiences with men caused me to see red flags when there aren't any?

Aha got you. Nope. Please rest assured you've made a good call!

You mention having had boundary concerns previously. You've shown really strong boundary keeping here, recognising off behaviours, not tolerating them, and then planning how to manage having to interact at work.

It does sound like you are over thinking this a little @MopeyDopey I get it I'm an over thinker myself! LOL
You don't have to label this guy - or explain his behaviour. You dated for a month, you saw some behaviour that worried you/or you didn't like and you ended things. I'd say you boundaries are working fine!

Now time for you to move on - try not to give this man another thought. :)

I will say though dropping ex's name every now and then is not necessarily a red flag - particularly if that was a long relationship. I divorced after 20 years - and of course my ex's name comes up in conversation every now and then when for example i refer to holidays we had - or things we did. He was part of my past - so yes his name comes up, i can't ignore he ever existed. (although sometimes I wish I could!!!! LOL)

have my interim experiences with men caused me to see red flags when there aren't any?

It might help you to think of red flags not as something you see, but as something you feel.

So instead of pinpointing certain actions and behaviours and trying to figure out whether they can be categorised as red flag behaviour or not, focus more on how it made you feel. Secondly, always trust how you feel. When we focus more on actions, it leaves too much potential for us to tell ourselves we're just overreacting, or to find justifications. But if we instead honour how it made us feel, there's no room for ambiguity or uncertainty, and we don't need to waste time dwelling on whether it's a red flag or not.

He's a future faking tosspot who says that everything upsets him. He has also thrown in ADHD re apparantly being crap housework (he sees that as women's work because he the big man here is far too important to bother about such things). Both are red flags in themselves.

Regardless of why he behaves as he does you've dodged a bullet there by giving him his marching orders now.

Don't sell yourself short OP.

Your boundaries seem strong.

You have dumped him before it got much worse which by all accounts it would.