To wish for more compliments

[Sundance03]

As above really, been married for 20> years to DH and have children. I have only been with DH so no previous partners. I am getting so depressed and down about the lack of compliments etc... from DH. We still have sex occasionally but it's very rushed and in the dark in bed due to kids. He never comments or shows me any interest or affection it's really starting to affect my confidence now. And I think because I've no experience... This makes me feel like the ugliest person alive as no one has shown any interest in me at all over the years. I've spoken to DH about it and sometimes he then will be more affectionate etc for a day but this actually makes me feel worse as I feel it should come naturally. Anyway not sure what am hoping for but it's now starting to affecting my life

Did you use to compliment one another? Have you both stopped?
What does he say if you complain about the lack of compliments - what's his reasoning?

@80s he's never been a particularly complimentary person or affectionate but would very occasionally say I. Looked nice in a dress or something but that would be it. It didn't bother me in early days as distracted with kids etc etc... I do try and compliment him (and I do mean it) but I've stopped doing this recently as I literally get nothing back and I can't help but feel bitter. It all sounds very silly I know but it's more obvious when we are out and about and on holidays and I see other happy affectionate couples.

So it is more the whole package, not just compliments? Him not putting his hand on your knee/giving you an affectionate kiss and so on?
If you were on holiday and saw me and my dp you might feel jealous as we will walk around hand in hand, give one another a kiss etc. But even though we are in our 50s, we've only been together 6 years and we don't live together.
At 20+ years with my exh there was a lot less affection. I don't think it's that unusual when you've spent years bringing up children. But like you, my exh was my first proper relationship and I think that contributed to it as we were both far less aware of the need to actively put effort into the relationship.

Your dp is showing willing by being more affectionate when you bring it up. So he listens to you and respects your opinion? You could have a serious conversation with him?

He isn’t going to change.

He is a great dad and generally we get along fine, but this lack of affection has started to wear me down. No kisses hands on knees.... Nothing! Sit at opposite ends of the couch when watching TV. Don't really know why it's now bothering me now when it didn't before...... I just feel so unattractive and crap.

So is being a great dad and getting on fine enough to sustain a marriage for the rest of your life ?
And the little sex you have will probably dwindle one he gets in his 50’s.

There are times in a long marriage where the focus is so on coping with the business of life - kids, elderly parents, work, bereavement - that you lose sight of each other. A serious conversation might turn this around.

In the meantime, could you really focus on how you feel about yourself? Really treat yourself well, have some treats, exercise, eat well, buy yourself some new clothes so that you feel fantastic about yourself and compliments don't matter so much to you. He might sit up and take notice and/or the conversation might improve things. If not, you will have to accept that is how he is and think how you want to move forward.

You say that "no one has shown any interest in me at all over the years" - do you mean other people? Isn't that pretty normal when you're in a LTR with children? a) most people won't try it on with an apparently happily married woman, b) you are less likely to be meeting new people who might try it on and c) as a mum you're not usually giving off "chat me up" vibes.

Are you actually not happy with your dh yourself, do you think? Wanting someone new? Like I say, if he's potentially willing to work on your relationship then that's positive - if that's what you want.

Really treat yourself well, have some treats, exercise, eat well, buy yourself some new clothes
I'd add to this: go out with friends / find friends, go out in the evenings or at weekends and have fun, go back to your old hobbies, find new hobbies and generally build yourself a fun life.
That way, it won't be the two of you on that settee in silence. It'll be him on the settee on his own, and you coming in from a fun afternoon out, buzzing with new ideas and the odd story to tell. Or both of you coming in, reporting back on what you've been up to and seeing the other person as a busy, interesting individual.

Know the feeling been with dp 10 years and two children.
He used to compliment me but in a sexual way like "your bum looks great in that" but now we don't sit together on the sofa, we don't cuddle or kiss. We eat dinner separately (he works late so I often eat my dinner with dc) and depending on what we're having I either save him some or cook something different just before he's due back. Dec is very rare these days too... dc get scared in night so often come in bed with us which is obv a barrier and sometimes we have movie night in our bedroom until dc fall asleep too...

It's so weird. It's only when I was talking to a friend I haven't spoken to in a few years over video call and he complimented me like "shit, you haven't aged" "you should smile more, never really noticed you actually have a lovely smile" "you looked so pretty from that angle a sec ago" that's really great you're focusing on that, I'm proud of you" "you're like a sunflower, you stand talk and proud and your wearing yellow" then saying "chat to you later beautiful purple glitter glue" to end the call.

It doesn't even have to be compliments on appearance, just some recognition so I completely get what you're saying

Do you think he notices that you compliment him but that he rarely compliments you? How does he react when you compliment him?

When I comment him he doesn't really say anything and goes on with what he is doing at the time. I get what people are saying above re: whether I should stay in marriage.. but there is a lot of positives and we have built a life together and am not sure I want to leave my long marriage just because am not getting any compliments/affection.

I don't think anyone is saying you should leave your marriage. Just asking if you wanted to or not. Sometimes a complaint about one aspect is just the tip of the iceberg.

Staying in a marriage doesn't mean resigning yourself to your lot. It means choosing to stay and thus doing things to keep it healthy. One of those things is making sure that you are happy as a person, not just as a wife.

My dp almost never compliments me - at most something about me having long legs or a nice bum. I rarely compliment him because when I do he gets uncomfortable or fends it off. (I'd stop altogether but I think he does like it a bit and just doesn't know how to react.) But as I say, we'll hold hands, touch or kiss, look at each other properly when talking, listen with interest and react to what the other person says. I would say we have both learnt that these things are necessary to maintain a relationship, and we both think it's important to dedicate the time and effort to one another. Perhaps you could talk about that subject with your dh - not accusing him; just talk about what's important to keep a relationship fresh. Ask what he thinks rather than telling him what you think - then you can quote him on it :)

@Sundance03

Do you work outside of the home? Do you have hobbies and interests in which you are involved? Do you rely solely on him for your validation and feed back? That is a hugh burden and responsibility to place on another person. In the past did you feel attractive or interesting solely bases upon his reaction to you?

You are blaming your feelings of in attractiveness on him, but are you in fact attractive? Are you doing things to keep yourself vital and interesting? Do you still find him attractive, or do you just follow the script of saying things simply because you feel that is what a good spouse or partner should say on occasion?

If you are not doing things to expand yourself as a person , perhaps he feels that he knows and has experienced all that there is to know, feel and think about you.

It is somewhat like eating the same meal several times a week. You may like the dish, but you no longer look forward to it in the same way.

Focus more on discovering or rediscovering yourself. Look for the validation that comes from self discovery and self enhancement. You may find that having new interests, new ideas, and new goals will make you feel better and make you a more confident partner.

Can't go into too much detail as outing, but I do work outside the home, have a hobby and other friends that I see. I do need to probably work on my own self image though and not look for compliments. But it's hard to gain this if you've never been told this!!! If that makes sense. I've been negatively commented on my body in the past.. Not by DH tho- as too thin- which I think adds to it all. Anyway good advice here thank you everybody :)