Struggling with my relationship with my Dad

[Lm4065]

I’m having an extremely stressful time with my dad and really not sure how best to proceed. Would be grateful for any advice or outside perspectives on the situation please.
By way of background him and my mum separated when I was 4. The relationship was abusive and the police were involved. He was very in and out of my life up until I was 10 (hardly ever showing up as promised to see me ect). I was scared of him and decided I didn’t want to see him when I was 10/11.
We got back in touch in my late teenage years through email but it was very superficial and occasional contact. I was still too scared to see him in person. I had a massive health issue in my early 20s where I needed genetic history information from him and he ignored my request. He didn’t even ask me how I was. At this point I decided to cut contact and didn’t want anything to do with him. A few years later he was seriously ill, in ICU and I was told he probably wouldn’t make it. I visited a couple of times whilst he was in hospital and he did miraculously make a recovery.
Since then I have seen him a few times but again it’s quite superficial and only once every few months. We keep in touch via WhatsApp but this is usually just him bombarding me with links and images linked to various conspiracy theories.
I had some counselling over this time and the counsellor was suggesting I limit my contact with him completely. But I felt too guilty to do this.
A few weeks ago he was back in hospital with a similar issue (not quite as bad this time thankfully). He has come out and is under doctors orders to take things very very easy, he will need a lot of help with everyday things and I understand the hospital has set up some sort of care package/home help.
I’m devastated for him that this is now his life, confined and with little quality of life. It breaks my heart to see him like this.
Separate to this I also feel very resentful and panicked by the whole situation. He has been very demanding and expects me to drop everything to drop him off food ect. I work full time and live about an hour away. He lives in a semi-supported living flat and has the home help set up. I find getting messages from him very stressful. He does not respect my boundaries (never has). I have responded to his requests saying, I cannot come right now, I’m at work ect. He does not respect that and says he needs my help.
Sometimes he messages just saying ‘help me’, which has sent me into a complete panic given his recent health emergency. It then transpired he wanted help with shopping.
I’m so torn as I feel bad not helping as I don’t believe just because he treated me badly, that I should do the same to him.
But I find him too stressful to be around. It’s constant games and I feel like he speaks in code and sometimes tries to destabilise me by making me not know what is going on. I was almost having a panic attack when he asked me to pick him up from the hospital to take him home.
I feel so so sad and guilty. But I also really struggle to be around him for any real length of time. Thank you for reading if you got this far. I really don’t know how best to handle this situation.

Firstly, him being biologically your father, does not make him a father figure to you.

He has spent his life being abusive, wishy washy and seemingly only allowing you in his life when it suits him.

You need to detach from the fact that this man is your biological dad, because he does not sound any sort of Father figure. He is essentially a stranger with a gloried title. You owe this man nothing, as he has given you nothing.

My advice would be to do whatever your comrtable with, as that is what he has done his whole life. If you dont want to see him, dont. If you dont want to do his shopping, dont. You owe this man nothing, the fact your even picking up the phone to him he should be grateful for.

This must be a very tough situation for you OP .

I think PP hit the nail on the head with him having done what he was comfortable with all his life so you should now choose to do the same. Of course you want to help your dad but look at the kind of experience he gave you.

You could help him when you have time, if that’s what you want. You can cut contact,’if that is what you want. This is a situation you are completely in control of remember that. You need to decide what’s next for you. Fair play to you for helping him this much so far, you are obviously a very decent and kind person.

This could be me!!! I would suggest limited contact. He has the support he needs in place so hard as it is - be strong and get on with your life x

Tell him your going to arrange support for help as your not available all the time. If he receives attendance allowance this would help with cost but there are support services you can look into ask your local council . Also block his number and call him when its convenient for you. You have to be firm and follow through with actions.

just I see he is getting support but might need extra for instance a lady I help uses a service called bridging the gap as her home care doesn't provide things like attending appointments. Also maybe a befriending service .

He's got support and he's not your responsibility.

What would he be doing for you, if the situation was reversed? Would he be dropping everything and dashing to help you?

Are you the only child? This sounds familiar my dad left when I was 3 and sister 1 didn’t really see him and found him when late teens worst thing I did…him and his family just wasn’t my type of people…..years later sister told me he was I’ll and I had to make the awful decision to visit and I don’t think he really knew who I was….he did die but I don’t feel any remorse as a dad he wasn’t there for me.

Thanks everyone for your kind messages and suggestions x