Please help me work out how to set some boundaries and handle this better?

[SelkieSeal]

I have a family member (same generation as me so not someone elderly) who I am genuinely fond of. She has had mental health problems since childhood and has fairly recently developed some physical/mobility problems too. She lives about 200 miles away so we don't see each other often - until a couple of years ago I would visit her annually and vice versa but unfortunately her physical health now means she can't travel and my current job makes it difficult for me to visit her. She is lovely in person, in small doses, and I do enjoy the times I spend with her. But...

The problem is this. She gets it into her head every so often that I am angry with her, or that there is a Big Problem going on in my life that I am not talking about. Neither of these things are the case. I admit that due to my own neurodivergence I often don't answer the phone, but if I don't answer her calls she calls again and again and again. 37 times in 30 minutes once, leaving plaintive voicemails asking what she had done wrong and if I was angry with her (which I wasn't, tho after 37 phone calls when I was trying to have a day out with my DC I did start feeling a bit tetchy) Or she decides that I must be having a crisis and that I'm not okay and starts ringing more and more to tell me she is here for me (which if I was having a crisis would be the last thing I needed tbh because she isn't really capable of "being there" for anyone!!). I should add that even answering and saying "I'm not angry and nothings wrong, I'm just busy" doesn't help. It just calms her temporarily and then a day or two later (sometimes even less) she starts all over again. It's like she needs there to be a crisis all the time and if there isn't one in her own life she invents one that must be going on in mine!

I don't want to cut contact with her. But I also don't want to have to reassure her constantly and I absolutely can't carry on getting all the bloody phone calls and messages demanding to know what's wrong and why I'm angry with her (when I'm not). It makes me feel all claustrophobic and panicky and then I avoid her calls more and then she rings more etc etc. She's like a bottomless pit for reassurance - it's just not possible to fulfil her need.

So I need to find a way to lay down some boundaries with her so that she feels ok if I don't answer, and I feel less like I'm drowning under her need for reassurance! Any suggestions?

Surely it doesn't need to be complicated? If you are genuinely fond of her then why not make a point of texting her a couple times a week, just short and sweet, checking in with her so that you don't get bombarded with calls. If you keep her in the loop and your texts are bright and breezy then hopefully she won't need reassurance about you. Not answering her is obviously what's causing her to panic.

''37 times in 30 minutes once, leaving plaintive voicemails asking what she had done wrong and if I was angry with her''

I think this would be a good place to start because its so clearly unreasonable to phone someone 37 times in half an hour. The problem with anxiety is that you can end up stuck in a panic spiral. She thinks that phoning you for reassurance is the fix, so try to divert her into doing something else instead.

''Dear X,
I love you to bits. I need you to accept that if I am angry with you I will tell you myself, and not leave you to guess. Making you guess would be cruel, and I am not a cruel person.
You don't have to phone me over and over again for reassurance. I can't always answer the phone straight away, I am sometimes helping my DC's, and I don't want you to worry.
Next time you feel like phoning me for reassurance that I am not angry with you, please read this message instead. I am not angry with you. We are OK.
Your loving friend X''

Thank you both for replying.

@Seaoftroubles I was trying not to write an entire essay in my OP but I should have made more clear that I do message her a couple of times a week most weeks, and I do speak to her when I can face it. But no amount of messages or chats will calm her when she gets in a spiral, particularly when she gets obsessed with the idea that I'm hiding a big problem in my own life from her. Then, even if I do speak to her, she wants to speak to me again and again and analyses my tone of voice and the words I use and says I sound tired and keeps asking "what's really going on, I can tell something is wrong" etc etc. It's exhausting and it makes me withdraw more and more...

@Thelnebriati this might help a bit actually. Maybe I'll turn it into an image with text that I can store on my phone and send her really quickly if she starts up but I'm not able to deal with it at the time. Or send it to her in a card and tell her to keep it on a shelf in her house.

This does sound very wearing, and obviously unreasonable behaviour from her. It sounds more than anxiety though so l would hope she is receiving treatment and/ or counselling for it. I do understand how exhausting this can be as my Mum was like this when she got dementia and it was very draining.If you do already chat and reassure her regularly then l think the idea of sending a photo or an image with a nice ' thinking of you' message could be helpful.

This sounds exhausting. I am glad you can recognise what is happening here for her and you are trying to figure out what you can offer. It is exhausting being around someone like this, I had a friend a while ago who was similar although not to the same extent and she used to invent events where I had made a particular face and then invent an entire story line about what I meant in that moment. I started to feel angrier and angrier towards her and in the end I had to walk away as she was miserable and draining and always looking for drama. My deepest regret is not having her daughter in my life anymore and I hope that she doesn't become suffocated by her mother. I suggested therapy and seeking help and she clearly thought she didn't need it as she knew everything. At that point I had to exit the relationship for my own sanity.

She is under all sorts of medical and mental health teams but you know...cuts...so the support she gets is nothing like the support she actually needs. Her elderly parents and her (young teenage) DC are pretty much running/organising every aspect of her life at this stage.

I have so much going on in my immediate family that requires a lot of emotional labour on my part, that (harsh as it sounds) I can't take on supporting her in a meaningful way as well! I just want to stay in friendly contact and have the occasional proper catch up, but I'm struggling to find a way to keep it to that. She doesn't get hints, and she doesn't remember previously agreed boundaries when she is in a spiral. The anxiety/OCD just takes over. She left me 3 voice messages last night saying "I will never give up on you, I'll keep ringing you until I know you're ok" despite the fact I sent her a message yesterday letting her know I'm fine but very busy at the moment!

OP in that case l think you may have to take a harder line with her. It sounds as though she gets loads of support from her family, l imagined her to be alone and relying solely on you! Time to get firm with her as that comment about 'never giving up on you' is quite passive aggressive.
I would tell her what you've written here; that you are very busy in your own life with your family etc and that you just don't have the time or headspace to continually answer her calls and texts. Explain you want to remain friends but you need her to be respectful towards you and give you some space. Say you will phone once a week for a catch up and don't respond to any more texts or calls in between.You could also have a word with her family and explain why you are having to put these boundaries in place.