Friend has taken advantage of our friendship but the consequence is losing my goddaughter.

[blackcurrantsausage]

I’ve found myself in a weird situation with one of my closer friends and her daughter, my goddaughter. This is going to be long!

We both decided to take a year out before university. I saved half my earnings, but my friend lived pay cheque to pay cheque.

Our year out ended and I moved to a different city for university and my friend decided to stay home and attend our local college. Within a couple of weeks, she announced she was pregnant with her then boyfriend and would be expecting the following June.

Covid happened in March and I relocated home as my studies were now entirely online. My friend moved in with her partner and they prepared for the baby, but almost everytime we met complained of having no money and felt financially stressed.

I wasn’t going to give her money but instead put things together for the baby. I bought some of the bigger gifts and made sure she had enough supplies for the baby when she arrived. When the baby arrived I did their weekly food shop for the first two weeks until they found their feet. In total, I spent just over £1,000 (on my own accord) and never had any issue with spending this much as I had it to spend.

Fast forward and her daughter turned 1. My friend felt she no longer loved her boyfriend and decided to split up with him, and her parents welcomed her home with open arms. Her boyfriend contributed weekly and paid for the creche, her parents have never charged her any household bills, and she receives government payouts on top of her salary.

Fast forward another year later and I now have to move back to the city I go to university in, less financially stable than before but I still had enough savings to cover my accomdation and household bills. The spare income I did have went on short city breaks abroad with friends, and there were weeks I would only have cereal to eat! (Nothing I regret or would change).

My friend decided to tell me my goddaughter would no longer recognise me as I hadn’t seen her in a couple of weeks. I explained to my friend that I was based full time where I went to university but she was more than welcome to come up and visit. I couldn’t afford to go home because that would also mean taking unpaid time off work which wasn’t feasible at the time. “How can you afford to go abroad then?” she often asked and I would always reply with “blood, sweat, and tears”. I never felt I needed to explain myself any further, because, why would I?

Here and there she asked if I could lend her £50 until she was paid so she could buy diapers and food for her daughter. If I had it to give then I would, but I realized fairly quickly that my friend was using the money she “borrowed” to fund her own nights out and I would never be getting that money back. Instead of doing a decent grocery shop I bought myself the bare minimum so she could go out and party?

So, I stopped saying yes and explained that I didn’t have it to give, and was honestly quite broke. Let it be a lesson learned I thought! My friend didn’t believe this and threw back the trips I took abroad in my face saying I could afford those. I had no issue sharing my bank account with her and pictures of my cereal filled food cupboards. She quickly gave it a rest then and stopped asking for money, but still refused to pay back what she had borrowed.

Now, 3 years later, I am recently graduated and working full time with some minor debt from university. My friend continues to live at home and has the same financial set up, earning more than I do. I relocated home to try clear some debt and build up my savings as I intend to emigrate next year.

We were due to go to a concert together last weekend but our lives have been so busy, we both genuinely forgot about it until we seen stories of people at it. We both paid for our own ticket and she then had the audacity to ask if I could give her, her money back for the ticket? I explained the tickets were never resold and we both lost out on money as a result. She still expected me to return the ticket cost out of my own pocket but I refused.

Radio silence.

I reached out and asked when we could meet next as I would like to give my goddaughter her birthday presents (I was told what to buy and they weren’t cheap).

Radio silence.

She will send generic snapchats of her daughter to me and ignore my replies, and also ignore all and every efforts I make to reach out.

I feel like our friendship is more or less over, and has been for a very long time. I know that as a consequence I will lose a relationship with my goddaughter.

I have two options:

1. Donate the presents to a local charity shop.
2. Drop the presents into the grandmothers place of work and have to explain why.

But regardless, our friendship is over. I feel so lost and used.

Charity shop or women's shelter.

You don't need a relationship with your goddaughter. It's only an honorific nowadays unless you are all practicing your faith. It's a pity your friend has become so entitled, but you're about to emigrate anyway, so you can just move on with your life without any guilt.

She's been sponging off you for years. She's not a friend.

I mean, there’s a limit to how much of a relationship any adult is going to have with someone else’s young child when that someone else is a twat. I don’t know why you’d involve her mum, she’s an adult. Just get rid of them however and move on - enjoy not being used.

I absolutely agree.

The issue is, she actively lies to her mum about my whereabouts and tells her mum we’ve made plans when we haven’t so that I look like a bad person when I don’t show up.

How do I know this? Her mum works nearby to me and often stops me and asks where I was and when I am coming to visit next. She even mentioned to my mum once I seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth. There’s no badness in it, and her mum is honestly an absolute gem!

Sadly, your relationship with your goddaughter is dependent on your relationship with her mother, so it's gone. Not your fault but no point pursuing it. You could put gift money into a savings account and if you find each other later in life, give it to her. If not, you've got useful savings.

It's possible the child will grow up as a sponger so I would cut ties whilst the child is young.

It's sad that people have no shame in behaving like this but 'take, take, take'
Is all they'll ever so.

How old is this child?
You probably don’t have much of a relationship with her anyway, and your friend seems to think her daughter is pay per view
Just move on and forget them both

What's an awful woman, she uses her daughter as bait to get you to give her money!

That isn’t really an issue. It doesn’t matter what her mum thinks of you.

This person is a grifter, she will bleed you dry and then climb over your withered husk to find her next victim.
I would be backing away and gradually distancing myself, but probably keeping tabs privately just for my own curiosity.

You’ve been a great friend to this non friend who had used you for money. She’s been nasty to you. Move on. Enjoy the life you are making. Donate the gifts to kids in need.

For a long time there's only been one friend in this relationship. Time for you to cut ties completely and move on. It's sad about your goddaughter - you obviously care about her - but the sooner you turn your back on your friend, the easier it will be.

My goddaughter is now 3. Up until she was 1.5, I would have visited every week (sometimes twice) and babysat the odd evening (only a handful of times). I say I see her every two-four months now.

Stop pandering to her is the advice I would give. You shouldn't have shared your financial position with her nor shown her your food supplies. You owe her nothing and are well rid. If you are strapped for cash yourself, can you return the gifts or at least sell them! Then move on with your life and count yourself lucky you have managed to extricate yourself from her grasping hands.

I’m working full time and living at home with less expenses than university, and I am fortunate to be financially stable which is why I rather not return the gifts but make sure either my goddaughter or someone who needs it has them.

You’re right that I shouldn’t have shown her but at the time I felt I had no other option. It was over a year ago and I’ve learned a lot since then! :)

i don’t think it was very wise of you to give her so much money earlier on in your friendship. It really created an imbalance where she sees you as richer than her and felt she was owed money. This dynamic also created by you, not her alone.

however, looking forward, I would send the presents to the Granny with a note of explanation. However you wish to express it. And then move on.

The idea of putting £ in a savings account for the god daughter is a really nice one. Then if she and you make contact when she is older, at that point you can decide if you want to give it to her. Or maybe you’ll find another use for it.

I'd honestly be thinking that she asked you to be Godmother because she knew you'd be generous and she could take advantage of you.

Someone who complains that you are spending some of the money you earned on yourself instead of giving it to her is not a friend. I'm just wondering how many of my family and friends would have been receptive to passing me all their spare cash because I had babies. Maybe I missed a trick there...