Feel awful - limerance/crush? DHs friend

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I seem to have developed a massive crush on DHs best friend and it's really affecting me. I feel awful about it of course but I also feel a bit bloody crazy too.

I don't know where this has even really come from but I need it to stop!

The situation is a little complicated as we work together (me and DHs friend) and this is when the feelings have started, I had known him for years and years before this and never thought of him like that. We are working on the same team now and have been for about 2 years and I'm really struggling to get myself together.

I will say I have never acted on this, certainly not physically and I have definitely not ever said anything, to anyone not just him. But there have been a couple of times where I've thought that probably shouldn't have happened/ been said. For example I ended up telling him about an argument me and DH had where H had really hurt my feelings and he told me that I was beautiful and out of DHs league which makes me cringe now thinking about it and I know is not appropriate. There are other things like if he walks past me he'll gently touch my back to 'get past me' if that makes sense but I feel like it's not necessary/ getting close on purpose.

I don't know what to do, I can't leave my job and I don't know if it's just me reading too much into these things because of the stupid bloody crush I have and it's just in my head. Aside from the beautiful comment he's never said anything else that has made me think anything.

He and DH have been best friends for years too so I have to see him outside of work as well.

I feel like a ridiculous school girl and I'm struggling. I have dreams about being with him instead of DH and just wake up feeling so awful. I've found myself being more conscious about how I look when going into work and things and if I'm totally honest with myself I know it's because of him.

Mine and DHs relationship has been a little rocky the last couple of years but nothing terrible and I do still love him and genuinely do believe I would never actually do anything but still, these thoughts are there and I feel very guilty.

What do I do? Will this just stop one day? 😔

Unless you're planning on acting on it, none of it matters. It happens. We can't control our feelings, only what we do about them.

If you're 100% certain you want to stay committed to your husband, the story ends here, and you keep your feelings silent.

No need to feel guilty. You haven't done anything wrong.

Don't feel guilty, it happens to everyone and you just have to squash it and not feed it. The best cure for a crush is a new crush but try and make the next one a celebrity or someone less close to home!

You need to minimise your contact as much as you can. Keep conversation work appropriate, no messaging and no more cosy chats about your husband’s failings.

Mine and DHs relationship has been a little rocky the last couple of years but nothing terrible and I do still love him and genuinely do believe I would never actually do anything but still, these thoughts are there and I feel very guilty.
What came first, the crush or the unhappiness in your marriage?
How much self-persuasion is required to reassure yourself that you definitely love and want to be with your dh (leaving the crush aside)?
Have you got children?

I'm just so surprised. Like I say I've known this man for a long time and never even thought anything of it but now it's like a whole different story, I find myself thinking how perfect he is and about all the qualities he has that DH doesn't and things and I know that's not true but I can't help it.

Looking back actually I think it may have started when we ended up going to an event together that DH was supposed to attend too but was ill and he wanted us still to go (like a festival type thing) we had such a good time and I think it all just sort of stemmed from there.

Ugh I feel so flipping daft!

I've never said anything since then about anything to do with me and DH as I knew immediately it wasn't appropriate. I will admit that we were both drunk when that conversation happened, at a works do and I was angry at the time with DH.

I'm not sure, I want to say the unhappiness did. I've had to convince myself quite a bit over the last couple of years to stay in my marriage. We do have young children yes. I do feel like we are in a good place right now actually but there has been a niggling doubt left behind that I do find hard to shake about whether it's right for me.

Maybe the crush is fantasising based on the issues in your marriage - not so much wanting this man, as wanting things your dh can't give you?

Repressing your feelings of unhappiness and persuading yourself to stay despite problems might not be the best approach. Could be worth looking into counselling for yourself to work out how serious the issues are and whether you could resolve them with your dh - e.g. is it the typical first few years with kids when you are both knackered and adjusting to your new roles; might it resolve itself with time or might you need to make some adjustments; might marriage counselling be required.

I had a bit of a crush once on a man who was unsuitably flirty (it was inappropriate in his position). I decided enough was enough, and when he was next flirty to me I shut it down with a brusque response and slightly annoyed look. His whole demeanour changed immediately like he knew he was out of order. Seeing that reaction really reminded me of how inappropriate he'd been (and that he knew it) and put me off him altogether.

I think it’s normal to develop crushes on people when maybe you aren’t the happiest in your own marriage. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person and you shouldn’t feel guilty - you can’t control feelings of attraction ( at least I don’t think so!)
There is nothing worse than a work crush because you have so little space to forget about them when they’re in your face everyday. maybe he thought he was being supportive telling you you’re beautiful, trying to reassure you after your bad experience with your husband. My male friends are often complimentary of me looks wise but it’s just a passing comment and it’s no more than that. I think it’s sweet of them as they are friends. So maybe you are overthinking/analyzing it?

Does this man have a partner himself? Could you minimize time at work with him? If you love your job you shouldn’t leave it just cos of him. You are also probably idealizing him, he might not in the reality behind closed doors be as good as you may think. Keep that in mind. Just my opinions :)

Sit tight. Remain appropriate. This will pass.

Years ago I had a crush on a man at work, when my DH was working quite a long commute away and I didn't see much of him.
I knew I loved and respected my DH and so many people's lives would be upset if I did anything to risk that.
But it was approaching a living nightmare, it felt a bit as though these feelings were a curse. Couldn't talk to anyone about it.
Died down within a few months and eventually he moved jobs anyway.

Hang on in there and keep eyes and ears open for any better job opportunities.

Thank you!

No he doesn't have a partner. He's very friendly and we talk a lot although that's not strange as we have been close through DH for a long time.

I think I'm probably overthinking the closeness / touching stuff but the conversation about me being beautiful etc.. I'm not sure I definitely came away from that conversation feeling like we'd crossed a bit of a line i.e. him talking about me being too good for DH, so beautiful, out of his league etc I know DH would have been incredibly hurt to know his friend had said that to me.