Well, she's not my cousin but my MIL but somehow this situation reminds me of the book My Cousin Rachel by Daphne du Maurier. At least what I vaguely remember from it. I read it decades ago and if the book is actually about fluffy rabbits on a ship then ignore my rambling. Or maybe ignore this bit anyway. It's going to be a long one anyway.
My mil is a remarkable person in many ways. Professionally very successful, incredibly generous with both her money and her time, does tons for other people and she is very appreciated in her community. Except for close family everyone seems to love her and admire her. Her close family though (ie siblings, husband and her son (my dh)) find her overbearing, over involved and over dominating. I did too when I first met her but then she started treating me differently. More respectfully and less pushy. We got along reasonably well and I used to enjoy her company. Till this year.
I don't know how to put it without sounding crazy but I feel like she's trying to take over my kids, primarily my older daughter. DD is 8 and loves all her grand parents, which I'm very happy about. However, I feel since last year she's starting to obsessively try to involve herself in dd's life when she's here. (She lives abroad and comes to visit once or twice a year for about a month..no problem with that, I don't mind). She follows her around, (including the toilet, which DD loves because she dislikes being on her own anywhere), keeps taking DD on "dates", accompanies me on the school run twice a day. She's even made friends with the other mums at the school gate. Nothing really terrible but I feel she's just involving herself too much. Everything that dh usually does for dd, she does when she's here. Eg dh and me alternate putting the kids to bed and when it's his turn she does it for him. (When it's my turn she asks me or DD if she can but I usually say no because I get so little time with DD otherwise). She also gets involved in all decision-making about the kids (eg about medical care, birthday parties, etc) and expects us to follow her advice. She undermines us in front of the kids. Me sometimes and subtly but dh full on and all the time. Dh gets very annoyed with her (she's also made friends with all of his friends, which I find very strange and they separately maintain contact) but at the end of the she's his mum and he's happy for the help. She basically acts like a third parent when she's here and it grates on me.
Again I know that none of this sounds too concerning and just like a loving, caring grand mum but it's just making me feel uneasy, which is what is reminding me of my cousin Rachel.
One thing I find very concerning is that she's got form in alienating her nephew and niece from her siblings. She thinks her siblings aren't fit to parent and are not making the best decisions for the kids. So she's taken them in, given them part time jobs in her company and is basically running their lives for them. The kids in question are adults now but both are ND and have special needs). I used to agree that her siblings are somewhat neglectful but I know she's got a very unhealthy relationship with her siblings (who resent her for being over involved and pushy) and now I wonder if the relationship between the kids and the parents deteriorated because of mil's meddling, mil trying to take over and acting as if she's their parent. I know I'm a good parent (well, I try to do my best) but now I worry whether in her quest to be involved in dd's life we will get pushed out as well.
I'm sorry this is getting so long and there's so much more I want to write. So many things that are making me uncomfortable but I suspect I've lost most people by now. If you are still reading, thank you. Please tell me I'm being unreasonable and ungrateful and i should give my head a wobble. I had dd2 last year and I've been kind of heart broken and feeling very guilty that I don't have as much time as I used to for DD1 so maybe that's why I'm so resentful. I don't know and I don't know what to do about it. Probably nothing because I'm paranoid for no reason but I can't stop feeling this way.