Am I in the wrong?

[Motherbear07]

Hi,
I’ve been with my daughters dad nearly 6 years. We have been on and off. April 2022 he moved three hours away. He said it was his best choice to move in with his brother. We then broke up because of this. From April 2022 he didn’t see our daughter until July 2022 and then didn’t see her again until January 2023.
in January he apologised to me and said he wants to try again. We decided to try again and it was nice. He came over every second weekend. Then that stopped to once a month. He works 5 days a week. Weekends free. He can’t afford to travel back and forth. I have asked him plenty of times to move in. He declines. We now see him once a month. We’ve had a full blown argument as he just got another job to work weekends. Which means he will be working 7 days a week. 5 weekdays night shifts and two days day shifts. I have expressed my feelings and asked when does he plan on seeing us but he replied with it’s none of my business. I replied To him with “wow. F you” and hung up the phone.
I am doing everything on my own. I work and see to our child on my own. There is no support from him.
ive tried to speak to him today but he keeps on clicking me off. He said I have insulted him and what he does is nothing to do with me.

am I being unreasonable here? As I feel it is something to do with me as I am his partner and we share a child together and we do deserve to know when we are going to see him again.
he only wants to text and not speak on the phone. I understand texts can be misinterpreted so I prefer to speak via phone and not text. Communication is key.
he laughed at me down the phone and hung up on me saying I insulted him when I said f you. So I text saying I cannot do this anymore. And his response was. “I expected you to say that. This is where our child gets her tantrums from. Because you have them when you can’t get your own way” I haven’t responded.I just wanted an outsiders point of view. If possible please.
am I being to full on asking when he is planning on seeing us? We haven’t seen him since last month. And now he is going to be working 7 days a week there is literally no time for him to see us. Especially living so far away. He refuses to move in or even move closer. He refuses to leave his brother who is in his 20s.
the distance is really hard. Especially when I’m doing everything for our child on my own. If she has a tantrum, melt down or an outburst he blames me. It’s my fault she’s like that because I give in. Sometimes it is easier to just give in because I am doing everything on my own. I have no support.
just some advice if I’m being unreasonable asking when he is planning on seeing us next.
thank you

He's not your partner and he doesn't want to be a dad.

He's proved he doesn't care or want to be a family because he wouldn't move 3 hours away and have no days off to see his child.

I'm really sorry but your relationship is over.

He moved out months ago. He isn't contributing to the family household. He doesn't consult you on decisions.

The relationship is over.

You need to stop letting him visit and stay over and make other arrangements to see his child and pay maintenance.

So- you think the relationship is ‘on’ but he very clearly wants it to be ‘off’

You aren't in a relationship with this person. You're on standby for light occasional use. He's not even subtle about it.

Time to move on.

He's probably also laughing at the fact he can do what he wants while not seeing you but can probably get a leg over if and when he decides to rock up because he says you're in a relationship.

It's not a relationship and your child deserves more than her 'dad' turning up a couple of times a year.

What actual value does he add to your life?

Wow working all those hours will mean cms can have him over the coals op. As they should.
Stop mixing booty call up with in a relationship..

Your better off without him.! He isn't interested sorry to say! He's stringing you along and your going along with it. Nip it in the bud now and move on. Your daughter doesn't need a dad who picks and chooses when he see's her

He’s not your partner. Please accept he’s left you, won’t ever be a real parent to your child and that you both deserve better than to keep flogging this dead horse.

Open a claim with the CMS tomorrow. At least get the money you’re owed.

Aww love. He is not your partner. He is not your boyfriend. He is a person who fathered your child. Once you accept this you can move forward with your life.

Agreeing with everyone else, you’re not in a relationship.

contact CMS.

Wow, you'll accept any crumbs given by him. I suspect he's lying about the 7 days a week working just to get out of having to visit. The not talking on the phone is highly suspicious and it could be that he's living with an OW, rather than his brother.
He doesn't want to live with you or be a dad to your DD, so it's over, he just hasn't quite told you yet so he can keep you on standby in case his current fling doesn't work out.
Let him go, he adds nothing to your life. Aim for more, he's treated you like crap and got away with it.

Sack him off. Claim your CMS and move on with your life. You'll be happier for it.

Has him stringing you along that you are in a relationship stopped you claiming maintenance? Claim maintenance for your child and forget this person as a father or partner - they aren't up to either job.

Hi,

could I just add he does pay maintenance and extra if needed.
he doesn’t want to speak on the phone because of the arguments the passed couple of days.
otherwise we would FaceTime every day.
even on his breaks in work we would FaceTime.
he got another job on the weekends so he’s able to save more money to come down more often.
but I don’t see how this is possible if he’s working 7 days a week. He won’t tell me how it’s possible because ‘it’s none of my business’

I'm sorry OP but you are being taken for a ride here! You are not in a committed relationship and he just pops in and out of your life when he feels like it. For all you know he is seeing other women as well. You and your DD deserve better, theres no love, care or respect here.

That is not a relationship. Make it more formal and if he stops paying, apply for cams.

He’s not going to come back. He has a nice life and wants to keep it how it is. I would guess he has another partner

It's not possible for him to visit really, is it? And you know that. Unless he books holiday off in chunks (which still won't be often). Him working every day is the perfect excuse not to bother.

At least he pays you. But you're not in a relationship. He's doing whatever he fancies while living with his brother.

So he has taken on weekend work 'to get more money to visit more often', but he can't visit AT ALL because he is working this weekend job.
And he shuts you down when you bring up this very valid inconsistency as being 'none of your business'.

You also can no longer speak to him on the phone. Or discuss even by text when he can come and see you and your child?

I don't think he has a weekend job, sorry. I think he has a new 'hobby'.

Your best bet is to just stop contacting him. He is not a constant in your childs life and that must be confusing for her. But that's really the least of it all.

Claim maintenance officially through cms and start your life without him in it. Essentially you cannot rely on him at all. He is not a partner,he is messing you both around.

It's of no relevance if you're being 'reasonable' or not. He gets to choose how he behaves, and you get to choose whether to accept it.

There are no rules or guidelines that you or he are meant to be following. You are adults. You each decide for yourself what is reasonable and what isn't. It sounds like you don't have the same idea about what's ok and what isn't, and that's fine. If he's unacceptable to you, he's unacceptable. But you deal with that by altering your behaviour, not expecting him to alter his. You steer clear of him, rather than expect him to live his life according to your morals.

@Motherbear07 I agree that he’s not your partner. He’s just the father of your kids. Sounds like he also has another life going on and he’s keeping you for once a month “just incase”. Honestly, what difference would it be if you were officially single? Sometimes I read these types of posts and think why do women want to cling on when they are treated so so terribly? I genuinely don’t understand.

He wants to spend weekends with his new girlfriend.

You’re not in a relationship.

Agree with everyone else. This is not a relationship and you are not in the wrong.

Raise your standards much higher. Only get in a relationship with someone who gives you mutual respect and puts the time and effort in.

That isn't this guy. I would not have considered taking him back in January, to be honest. Not a chance.