Tales of hope (or realism) after divorce/separation, please

[Twoddle]

Quite a few camps would have us believe that, on balance, life isn't better after divorce/separation - the kids suffer, as do the man and woman in different ways, and we're likely to repeat our negative relationship patterns with someone else, etc ...

Sooo, what's it really like? Have you initiated a divorce and life has got worse/better? What about if you didn't initiate a split - have you been pleasantly surprised, eventually?

I'm going through a hurtful, messy separation, and some days I reckon it'll all be better, eventually - and other days, definitely not . Interested to hear the spectrum of others' experiences - how it turned out for you.

Thank you.

Well I'm divorced, I initiated it, and life has got better and better for me since! It was definately the right thing to do.

Ok now I may be a single mum, struggling financially, but as a person I am far more content and at peace, and way more confident too. My marriage wore me down and I forgot who I was, since divorcing I've descovered myself more and love being in charge. I lead a full life, have lots of friends, date or don't date depending on my mood, and have a wicked time with DS. He definately hasn't suffered either, and has grown into a confident independant little 5 yr old! In the months leading up to the split he would wimper and cling on to me whenever his father was at home . That was the last straw that made me leave.

I haven't repeated the pattern with other relationships either, generally they have all been good, just served their time.

DS was a baby when I left.

I'm divorced (but remarried).
Post divorce I felt liberated - I'd married very young and despite work, kids etc had never really felt like an independent grown-up. Ex is a really decent bloke (has become a much nicer guy since we split) but was a lousy husband - moody, lazy, self-centred. And in fairness I wasn't especially nice - we brought out the worst in each other.

The 6 months after the eventual separation (which followed several months of me trying to get past his affair) were stressful; me working fulltime on my own with 2 small kids, living in a grim flat, and ex ringing constantly to talk through his "issues". But despite all that I remember it as a strangely happy time.

And then I met a great bloke (DH), had 2 more DCs - and I think our marriage is stronger because I did learn from my mistakes. Certainly no repeat patterns of behaviour. I don't regret my first marriage because I got 2 great kids out of it, but equally have never regretted the divorce.

Good luck with everything - I hope it will all come out good.

Sorry - to clarify - was 2 years on my own, but first 6 months were the hardest.

well I'm not the one initiating divorce and I've found it really hard (tho now i'm starting to feel better) I never saw it coming and his reasons for leaving were pretty much the same as what he left his first wife for, I've come to the point where i don't blame myself and hope that i can move forward, dd did take it really hard and she does still have her moments, I've given up trying to say anything about this to stbx as i'm "apparently" its emotional blackmail.

I know i had my faults in the marriage but who doesn't after 5/6yrs together but i really thought we were ok. I just keep thinking there is something better out there for myself and for dd I do still get very angry with him but its something i have to try to keep to myself now, its been 4mths of hell but as Winston Churchill said "if you are going thru hell, keep going!"

Thank you.

I have to admit to feeling great after the divorce was nearly over and the accrimony had died down I really started to enjoy my life again I agree with Hassled the first 6 months are hard but after that the world is your oyster even with children

So do you reckon you can arrive at this more positive life even when your ex has done some really hurtful stuff and you have to keep seeing them, obviously, in relation to your child? And when your child is blatantly unhappy about the separation and says they want the family to be all together again?

I'm just three months into this, and so it's early days. But today, at least - in view of some of the painful things ds has said this week, and after seeing ex-dp today when he picked up ds and feeling ambivalent - well, it looks bleak.

Argh.

Twoddle i do agree with this statement you made "and we're likely to repeat our negative relationship patterns with someone else, etc ..." simply because this what my ex has done, only this time there was dd.

Take it day by day and do something nice for yourself, I now have dd ready and waiting at the door when he comes for her and if he is looking after her whilst i'm out (i'm entitled to a life too ) i will now be getting him to leave as soon as I get home

Hi Twoodle, my xh had several affairs which I suspected. With the last one it was the end of the road, I had depression, an eating disorder, and I literally hated myself because I felt unloved and unlovable because of his affairs. However, we did get on very, very well as friends throughout our marriage, I just found it hard to sleep with him because I knew he was always looking at other women and it made me feel so ugly.
I initiated a divorce, which I didn't want but which I had to do. I missed his company like fark, still do sometimes.
However, he has a bit of a personality disorder, which I suspect is narcissism. When I finally got out of it, I went to college, am now at uni studying English and I have remembered the very strong minded woman that I used to be. I was a doormat with him, walked on eggshells the whole time.

I spent 3 years alone, looking at what went wrong, and what I wanted from a man. I had a couple of dates and even a couple of shags lol. But I watched carefully for signs of what I didn't want, and if I found it, I was gone. Now have a lovely guy, been with him for a year. The passion(WHICH ISN'T ACTUALLY PASSION, BUT MY ADDICTION TO WRONG'UNS AND DRAMA!) is missing, but I am learning to accept that this is a good thing, even if it feels a bit dull sometimes. Sorry this is so long, but I hope it is encouraging.

Hi. It does get better. My first husband left me for another woman after 10 years. Luckily we had not had children together. In my case, I absolutely did NOT repeat the bad patterns with my second husband. In fact, I attribute all the things I learned not to do in my first marriage to why my second one is working so well. We know just what to discuss and what to let roll past. And the best thing is that my second husband is a much better father than my first husband could ever have been.

Make sure to indulge yourself inbetween husbands. I did all sorts of things that I wouldn't normally do and it was really good "comic" relief.

Just remember, it does get better. But let yourself cry a lot along the way. And don't waste your energy giving your ex any more of your emotions (ie yelling, crying in front of him, being nasty or nice).