Don't know how to cope with this anymore.

[JennisaurusUnderTheMistletoe]

My DH is getting on every single one of my nerves and I am not sure how much longer I can take this.

He does absolutely fuck all for me and our daughter. I clean the house, I do EVERYTHING with her, I sort everything about our life out and I am just so tired. I love my husband very much I really do, but he is just crap at being a partner. Its not fair on me anymore and its not fair on DD.

I have been up since 5am when our daughter woke up screaming (not sure why) so I was the one to get up, sort her out (having worked 12hrs the day before). He only got up at 9 because I was going to work. I got in half an hour ago and the house is a state, he has done nothing. I asked him to put some washing in and iron me a uniform for work. THATS IT. He has clearly not done anything with DD as her toys are where I left them, so she will have spent another day in front of the TV
He never gets up with her, ever. The latest I sleep in is usually 6am, even on the days when I have to leave the house for 6.30 I have to get DD up and ready so he can stick her in front of the TV whilst he gets ready for work. She is still waking in the night (partly my fault i know) so every day I am up in the night and up early, and I work full time.

I am just so very tired of this. I have explained to him, that loving me and loving DD is not enough, he needs to contibute to our family and I just don't feel like he does.

I don't want to leave him, but I can't stand to live like this. When I don't do anything and leave it to him he either does it half-assed or whinges until I do it. Or just does not do it and the house gets messier. He says I am draining him and I know I do sometimes because I have had mental health problems in the past but its not my fault and I don't even tell him anymore because I feel bad for putting it on him. I am trying so hard to have a beautiful home, and a happy healthy DD and its like he doesn't care.

He knows I need him financially and I do love him I really really do, but I just feel like he doesn't care anymore.

Sorry this is so long and self-pitying I just don't know what to do.

[xmashampermunker]

Oh hun that's horrible for you. Has your DH ever helped you, or has it been like this since you got together?

You're working really really hard and on not much sleep by the sound of it, so don't beat yourself up.

My dad always says 'bite-size pieces of the elephant' - just break it down into manageable things rather than spiral into a total 'my DH doesn't do anything, my DD is in front of the TV all day, my house is a tip, my life is a mess, this isn't how I pictured myself' - I have needed this advice and very recently too, so I do know how you feel.

Can you take a few days off work so that you can blitz the house, sort out a new way to split chores and start having fun again? It sounds like you have two children living in the house at the moment... Does your DH think that because he provides financially, he doesn't need to do anything else? Do you have any relatives or friends nearby you can ask for help? If you live near me (west London), I'll help you!

Big hugs xxx

[Branster]

Oh poor you... Don't really know what to say.
Could you try really, really hard and not wory about the state of the house for a couple of days and maybe he'll get fed up and do something about it himself? or send him out with DD for a walk in the buggy (sorry, don't know how old DD is)

[fruitcake]

Sorry for you ! I have similar feelings about my DH sometimes, usually on the weekend when he routinely declares Sunday his "day off" & sits in front of the telly, buried behind Sunday papers. I never get a "day off". Which is why I'm off to bed now but happy to chat tomorrow if you like.

[xmashampermunker]

Are you still there Jenni? I'm going to bed now (work in the morning) but I'll chat tomorrow if you're around? xxx

[Festivepussy]

Jenni you know I sympathise xx I hope you get some good advice here xx
You get up really early go to work for hours look after the baby and see to her in the night. No wonder your shattered.
BIG HUGS xxx

[mishiclaus]

hi hun..dont really know what to say but just wanted to send u hiugs and hope u reach a solution to your problem

[pixiefish]

Jenni- I know exactly what you mean. my dh works very hard in his business but thinks that the house runs itself, the washing does itself and food jumps in to the cooker. He says its because of the business so I can't complain too much but I do find it hard going. He can't understand that being responsible for a baby 24/7 is harder than anything as there is absolutely NO let up and it's relentless

[judetheobscure]

Would it be feasible for you to give up work - or go part-time? Not suggesting that it should be you that deals with the problem but it sounds like it will be very hard getting dp to change.

[JennisaurusUnderTheMistletoe]

Thanks for the replies. Today we went out as a family which was nice, and thats what I love, when we spend time together, took DD to the park and went for a nice coffee.

I was pretty pissed off last night as I ended up working late and so missed DD going to bed.

This is what i find so hard. We have wonderful days like today, then we have the complete crap with all the mundane stuff. He has still done nothing for either of us today though. Got up half an hour before we left the house, I have changed DDs nappy, washed the dishes etc etc. I had a shout at him last night and he basically told me to F off because he was tired and I had dumped DD on him all day (do understand this though it was ALL day). But this morning I couldn't be bothered arguing and being in a huff because I wanted to have a nice family day,

I can't give up work. I will be in September 05 but thats because I am going to university (fingers crossed) but even then it will be much harder financially. I think this is why I am stressing, our life is only going to get busier and he is doing less and less.

[vict17]

would talking to him when you are both not tired (if that happens!) in a calm way and telling him exactly how you are feeling help? You've probably already tried haven't you!!

[colditzcolditzcold]

With my dp I had to write down what each of us had done all day, how much sleep we got, what each of us had done with ds etc and show it to him

Or you could simply stop doing things for him. Exchange favours for favours. I didn't touch dp's washing for a month once, because he wouldn't help me.

It makes me very cross when men expect to be babied by their partners.

It sounds like you really need some help in the house, and he should be your first port of call for this. When it's you who goes to work, he should be getting up with your dd. Ask him why, precisely' he feels he has the right to do less than you, and why he feels you don't have the right to rest?

As for putting on him when you had mental health problems - you were ill. People ARE grotty when they are ill.I bet he is too.

OOoops, this sounds a bit bossy, but I promise it wasn't meant to be. Was meant to be a list of hints

[ruthRM]

It sounds like he might be depressed. Have you thought about involving a third party - someone from outside who can give a cool, unbiased viewpoint - like 'Relate'.

[fionagib]

Poor jenni, feels really sorry about your situation. I felt pretty much the way you describe when our twin ds's were two years old and I was pg with our daughter, and my dh did absolutely nothing at home cos he was working fulltime. I was in shreds, crying all the time, and feeling so so angry.

Things have gradually got much better. I still do far more (as I work p/t from home) but now just say, 'could you put a wash on/get xxx from the shops' or whatever, instead of silently fuming.

It does sound like you do ask him, and let him know how peed off you feel - but could you possibly get some time together away from the house, without your dd and just talk it all through as calmly as you can? Does he know how wretched his attitude makes you feel - that it's not just about your dd's toys left all over the floor, but about feeling undermined and taken for granted? NO ONE wants to feel like a slave, or that their partner doesn't care. What's going on with him - doesn't he care how angry and upset you are?

sorry to ramble a bit jenni, not much help either, all I can think of is to talk & talk & possibly see someone as mentioned in last post, like relate. Good luck xxxxx

[cardigansarenotjustforxmas]

Feel for you here. Lots of good advice from other posters - liked idea of writing down what you do and also talking about how you feel. I've asked my dh for a day off - & he's agreed!!! - he'll have complete responsibility for dds for a whole day. I plan to have a proper breakfast, go back to bed with coffee and read mags. I plan to do what I want for a whole day. My dh works long hours -so I do nearly everything. The last rest I got was when I had to spend one day in bed after an amnio - over two yrs ago. I've had dh sick for the last 4 weeks - back at work now but still not better, dds sick as well. I'm the only one who hasn't been ill - no time. We have no family near by and few friends. It's tough sometimes. Don't mean to ramble here - but I feel that you need a day off as well - let dh do everything for a day. Sending lots of best wishesxxx