Criticized for short text messages by man I am dating

[SunFlare]

Hey all,

Just feel v confused. I have been seeing this man for a bit - we’ve been on 8 dates in total, and it’s been going well. He’s never been a very responsive texter, and usually takes anywhere between 5-24 hours to respond. I’ve never really minded, because I appreciate that people are busy etc., and that some people don’t really like texting. I usually respond to messages within the hour, because that’s just me.

Anyway, last night I was having a bad mental health spell, feeling very anxious etc. and didn’t want to be on my phone, so I sent a few shortish but friendly messages in response to this man’s texts. Anyway, he’s texted this morning in a bit of a shirty way saying that he usually interprets short messages as a sign that someone isn’t interested and backs off.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is a bit hypercritical?! He takes ages to respond to my messages, and I’ve never raised it as an issue. And now he seems to have taken umbrage at my shorter than normal messages 🤷🏼‍♀️

Hypocritical that should say!

Oh gosh he is being hypocritical!
If he wants to msg you after 24 hours in my mind that’s a bit long. How are you supposed to have a meaningful relationship with so little contact? Just my opinion others may differ.
Could you use this as your chance to say to him that you don’t get nearly as much input from him as he gets from you ( it sounds like this; unless he calls you in between these 24 hour periods)
Id be pretty annoyed myself with that.

Ditch him. This is the very early stages of a relationship - 8 dates - and he's already criticising you.

Yeh, dump him. He's annoyed that you're not prioritising him when you're not feeling well.

Sometimes things can be taken the wrong way over text. Could you discuss it in person or on a phonecall?

I would end it

You haven't given him all the attention he thinks he deserves I'd run a mile tbh !

A lot depends on how he raised this. In the early stages of a relationship, mutual signals of enthusiasm do feel important, and sometimes that's not always rational. It's easy to feel like someone is cooling on you.

If he came out all guns blazing, that's not a great sign. But if he gently indicated that short messages made him feel that you were cooling on him (and if that isn't your normal style), then it's hardly unreasonable to raise it.

Above all, remember that screens lack nuance. At least talk it out.

I wouldn’t ordinarily mind that much — some people like frequent and detailed messages — but it’s the fact it’s quite hypocritical given that he takes so long to respond. I texted back a couple of hours ago saying that I am very interested and was just feeling a bit low last night, as well as a funny video from yesterday. I don’t expect a response for at least another few hours 🤣🤣

If he doesn’t like texting, he won’t mind short texts

if he expects more chatty texts then he’s a comfortable texter, who is definitely picking their phone up more than once every 24 hours

it can’t be both so he’s either a hypocrite at best, or a manipulative game player at worst

he’s already hard work and he was also immediately rude rather than talking to you politely

@shropshire11 That is true. I guess he’s being hyper-vigilant to the signs I’m giving off. He was reasonably polite in how he raised it, just a bit standoffish and cold. But he never stopped to think about how his very delayed replies might appear to me 😅

He's got low self awareness but is vigilant of things to criticise you for.

I would assume that he is projecting, as in he isn't that interested and it's his way of making that about you for an easy out. Honestly, I couldn't be doing with this in someone I barely even know.

Anyway, he’s texted this morning in a bit of a shirty way saying that he usually interprets short messages as a sign that someone isn’t interested and backs off.

Did you respond with, "well, some people think that taking hours, or even a full day to respond, is a sign someone isn't interested. I thought we were on the same page on this as you've never seemed like someone who needs constant, lengthy communications and I wasn't feeling 100% yesterday, as I told you."

But the thing I find weird is that after a few dates he thinks he can police your behaviour. I never really understand that. At this point you're both more or less your natural selves and haven't adapted for each other yet. if those natural selves aren't close enough to what the other one is looking for, you move on. You're not invested enough to start asking people to change or explain themselves. Or at least, shouldn't be.

Texts can be difficult to.interpret this way. Especially when someone's texting patern changes - women are often told on here that that is a red flag.

Did you explain you were having an off night? Could he have just been checking in?

It sounds to me like he is someone who is prepared to be upfront and address things head on. Which is a good thing. He probably assumed that you were OK with his texting pattern given you hadn't said anything.

If she hadn't told him that, how would he know?

I wouldn't dump him for that. I'd see what his reps9mse to you explaining you weren't feeling well was.

There's a big difference between.

"Oh, no! Sorry to hear that. I didn't realise. Hope you're feeling better now!" (Fine)

And

"Well I don't like the fact that you're not showing me you're interested in me when you're ill." (Not fine)

Or similar.

He doesn't get to complain about your text style. Even if his was perfect (it's not).

I don't understand why, in a new relationship, people think they have the right to complain and judge. Date someone. If you are compatible and things are easy and fun and nice, stay dating. If they have irritating habits you don't like or think differently to you about things... ditch them and move on.

A friend once ended it in a short term relationship when, on about date 3, they went for dinner and he didn't know what pesto was. Obviously, ridiculously petty but for her, she did't want a man who was that uninterested in food etc. (also, we're not in touch any more except via Facebook and I notice her holiday pics with her now-DH often heavily feature fancy meals etc!). I realised I had to end it with a short term boyfriend when I was pre-planning discussion points before dates. I realised it shouldn't be this hard at this stage!

This totally!!!

@mindutopia

I hope not! I do like him quite a bit.

He's criticising you for something, but not offering you the same courtesy. It's 8 dates in, dump him.

Tbf, it doesn't sound like he was complaining. Just bringing up a change in pattern and his previous experience of it.

If the OP had posted here that his texting pattern had changed, she'd be advised to ask him about it.

Isn't that what he has done?

I think short answers to a direct question are fine, short texts but quickly are also fine. The worst is when they take ages to reply or never reply just see it and ignore.
I had a couple of guys who were weird about this. One was irked by emoji replies. One was alarmed when I didn't add any xx's or emojis at the end of my text.. and one assumed I was interested because I replied with a yes or no to something he suggested. It's so weird.