Is it immature or just standing up for myself?

[chocolateaddict231]

Good morning,

The past few days my partner and I have been trying to figure out some stuff about us and if we have a future, I haven't been happy with a lot of bits of us. Yesterday I was telling him I get annoyed he doesn't remember basics about me after six years on and off together. I asked him what was my middle name and where did I go to school and he had no idea. I feel like I have kept up with any stories he told me about his childhood and it just me setting a boundary but he was so embarrassed afterwards that I felt so guilty and I kept trying to backtrack.

Is it ok to be annoyed or was it immature of me to even ask?

I think it's ok for you to be annoyed about that.

He can't help his memory - mine is just as bad, but usually I forget other things (and make sure the DW stuff is refreshed every so often for instances such as this).

If you're not happy then leave - but this isn't a good reason.

Are you really upset about this, or are you looking for an out? Some people don’t remember details, it would be nice if he did remember but it’s not really the end of a relationship issue. If you aren’t happy it’s ok to leave. Perhaps you aren’t compatible.

I couldn't get upset over this. Does it really matter?

I disagree! How can he not remember your name? After 6 years!! Or where you went to school?? I find that bizarre 🤔
Sounds like a lazy sod, who isn't very interested in you. I bet he can remember all the football players names and stats etc (or whatever he's into!) 🙄

To be clear, we've been having other issues and he's trying to show me he's improved as a partner so this is just one issue of many

remembering your partner's full name (including the middle name) after 6 years is below basic minimum

you have to have zero interest or investment into relationship with someone to literally not know their name

I'd be annoyed if DH couldn't remember my full name after that long.

However, I doubt even now that he would know the name of the school I went to and I wouldn't be at all bothered by that. It's not a big issue and not something I discuss much.

You're clearly not happy for any number of reasons though. If you want to end it then do that.

Examples you've given...

Not an issue. I've met my boyfriend's mum loads of times. But I can't for the life of me remember her name!

I can remember his middle name but we've only been together for 18 months. I'm not sure he'd remember mine.

I've got no idea what school he went to - secondary school yes because it was the only one in the area where he grew up and some of his friends have it on their fb page! But primary? Not a clue and he wouldn't know mine although I have told him.

I think those facts are the sort of thing that get mentioned once in early dating but rarely mentioned again!

You say there are other things yet those are the ones you've mentioned. I wouldn't consider those a big deal at all.

To be clear my school was very near his and we have visited it together during lockdown on a walk, we walked to both our schools. He didn't even remember what part of the city I went to school in. I don't know, I'm just clutching at straws and feeling bad about bringing it up. I'm very bad at feeling guilt when I look for the bare minimum and he then gets upset, thus leaving me the one feeling bad

But if you're not happy, you can end it for any reason.

These just seem like trivial details to me. I don't remember a lot of basic details about the people closest to me. Doesn't mean I don't care. I think what matters is if he does show he cares in other ways, and remembers other, more important details. Which it doesn't sound like he does, which is then the real issue here.

I think the other issues you've mentioned are probably where the real problems lie.

You mentioned you've been on/off for 6 years, and I've always believed that if a couple is continuously on and off, they have to just accept that the relationship doesn't work. People who are right for each other simply stay together and work through any problems that arise, without needing to temporarily split up.

They are basic facts but not ones I'd consider important to remember because they're not really that important, surely?

I'd consider your birthday to be more important because that happens every year. For example.

My daughter's boyfriend lives round the corner from my old primary school. He knows that and often drives past it to pick her up. I still don't think he'd know the name of it though!

You are and you’re not. Did you expect him to remember your school name or simply the area? Because I couldn’t tell my ex his primary, I think I remember his secondary? I know his second name as they have a family ‘thing’ about that. But it may have implications going forward, what irritated me was having no care to remember things that mattered in the present. My ex couldn’t name our kids teachers, which dentist they went to, when sports day is etc even when told. He’d not forget me on my birthday or Christmas but he’d show he had zero idea of my interests or wants. Even sending specific links and he’d get something he decided I’d want instead. I felt not listened to and honestly like he was not interested in me as a person but simply an admin woman for his life.

I'd think those things were more important too.

Well, personally, I'd consider that a sign that this person is totally uninterested in me. I had a boss like this once - I got married in the place his husband was from. Every single time my wedding came up, he'd ask where we were getting married and then excitedly tell me that he loves that part of the world as it's where his husband was from. Every. Time.

Needless to say, the man was a complete wanker and a bully to boot and we all hated him.

But if you have lots of other issues and it's not getting resolved, you don't have to stay together. Working hard to maintain a long term relationship makes sense if you have children and your lives are massively intertwined. But a boyfriend who doesn't seem to care and who you therefore feel like you're not important to... ditch him.

Yes, we have bigger issues and even the fact that I'm now so worried about his emotions and feeling guilt makes me wonder if I'm having problems knowing the basic requirements for our relationship. He has recently been wanting to try again after being apart but I find it very hard to trust that he's changed and this is just one example. I never felt his priority over the years

I'm now so worried about his emotions and feeling guilt

So you have to police what you say and do in case it upsets him or makes him feel guilty?

Yeah, not a way to live. he sounds like a controlling twat and you're probably better off without him.