Lonely since school started

[Maureenthemagicunicorn]

Just wondering if anyone can relate. I live in a very family oriented neighbourhood of a small town. My only DC started school last year and I noticed that most of the other parents knew each other already, either through having older kids at school or through antenatal or baby activities etc. My NCT group was spread out and I didn't do many baby groups so knew one person in the neighbourhood, whereas nearly everyone else seems to have a tight network of friends living within this square 500m going back 5 years.
I want to make friends and I've tried getting to know people, it's hard because I can't hang out in the week, not having a younger child (my DC is the only 'only' in their class), and contact with others at pickup is infrequent and fleeting.
I found out drinks nights were happening recently and enjoyed the one I attended.
I've enjoyed chatting to mums at the handful of parties DC has been invited to.
It's just that people are already in established friendship groups based on years old connections and they hang out with their younger kids in the week.
Have struggled all year with feelings of shame and loneliness. I long for a friendly chat after a day working from home and am ridiculously happy when I get a 20 second exchange with someone at pickup.
All the older women I mention this to reassure me that they made 8 or 9 lifelong friends with school mums, although they either didn't work or only worked very part time.
Saying that, a full time working mum of one with a child in a higher year told me she'd connected with loads of parents and that it'd happen for me, but it increasingly looks less likely.
I've made one friend but they are probably going to move away soon so back to square one.
I keep trying to tell myself there's nothing shameful about my situation but it just makes me so sad. I crave a tribe, feel weirdly vulnerable without one and am cringing at my mainly fruitless efforts to be part of one!

I really feel for you as I had this too! My son moved schools and I made instant friends at his new school. I thought it was me at his old school but really I just didn't click with them. Looking back they were kind of rude. I think since you're stuck in the situation try to remember that it's not you and to see if you can join any clubs based on your hobbies or try to arrange play dates for your child on the weekends. That's the way I got closer w the other parents. Also remember there are probably a few who feel the exact same way as you do!

It never really occurred to me that I would make school mum friends tbh.

I enjoyed the bit of chit chat I had with them and the occasional nights out but I generally didn't go to them because I need to have more in common with my friends than them just having had a child the same academic year as me.

Do you have your own hobbies?

Yeah, I have friends dotted about outside the area and have made a couple through hobbies. I see them on weekends but miss the day to day companionship. I think it's just that my neighbourhood is like a mini village where everyone else seems to have a great hyper local network, it skews my perspective!

What about sports days and school fetes, that kind of thing? You have every right to feel lonely, but there is no shame. Do you speak to/see anyone during the course of your day?

Thank you, I'll keep reminding myself there's nothing wrong with me, I'm just in a slightly less than ideal situation. The sports day is coming up soon actually, so looking forward to that, should be good for a chat. And the fête is another one. I will try to keep being open and friendly (I do sometimes slip into anxious/grumpy comparisons and defensiveness but only internally 😄). Nearly everyone is nice, I'm just not on many people's radar!

Is the "slightly less than ideal situation" something you can tell us? It's always good to support these things at school too. What about volunteering with the Ptfa?

Sports day a good way to meet others. Find it hard myself op. I texted my walking group for a coffee no replies its def disheartening. The pta or school things a good conversation point too

I guess I just meant that working in the week, having one DC and not having done the right NCT or baby classes I feel at a disadvantage.
I did try the PTA, I was dead weight at the meetings though as I have no ideas and realised I don't like taking on more admin in my spare time 😆 I enjoy helping out at events though.

I think your expectations may be a bit high. Honestly, the only school friends I have are people who are our neighbours, so we know them already because we are constantly retrieving each others dogs from the others' garden or our children play with each other because it's the path of least resistance or we get to chatting because they are right there. They are lovely people and actually we'd be friends anyway probably even if we didn't have dc the same age. But the other parents I know mostly from parties and other events, and we've exchanged numbers because kids want to see each other, but I wouldn't consider them 'friends' (like we've never met up and socialised outside of dropping kids off to each other).

I agree that volunteering at events is a good way. And the PTA too. It sounds like you tried that but it fell flat. I think if you want to be actively involved, you're going to have to do some admin and come up with some ideas. But I don't know any PTA who isn't dying for more volunteers at events. And find out who your dc is friends with at school, speak to the parents at the school run or send a note through through dc to them with your number and ask to host a playdate. Yes, it's difficult if you are working in after school hours, but that's when most playdates happen. If you are coming to collect your dc and presumably having them home with you while you work, then after a point, say 6-7, you can leave them to play unsupervised in the house. I often do that if I need to return some emails in the afternoon still. Or offer up a weekend playdate. I know many parents who would jump at the chance to hand off a child for a quiet few hours during the weekend.

All that being said, if it's a tribe you're craving, you are unlikely to find it amongst school mums, unless you have loads in common with them just coincidentally. I have tended to find my tribe through common professional and social interests (mainly a support group I'm part of). The school mums are nice, but we don't have loads in common - except for a few who I just happen to share hobbies with and do similar sort of work as me. So yes, definitely try to facilitate friendships and playdates for your dc, but it might also be a matter of looking beyond school mums for friends. What interests do you have? Where have you usually made close friends in the past?

You're right, I am setting myself and others pretty high expectations. It's good to hear your perspective and situation.
I think part of my loneliness is missing the toddler life, casual meetups in the daytime. I like creative hobbies and met a couple of good friends through those a while back. I have actually joined a meetup group that's not in my immediate area and have been to several fun drinks nights and pub quizzes. It's been good getting out of my young families bubble, meeting different kinds of people and not talking about kids! I'm looking forward to more of that.