Christian but at the end of myself with long and difficult marriage

[ChangedName654321]

Have name changed.

V long marriage.

There have been previous problems.

His difficult relationship with my eldest dc for many years was the catalyst of our difficulties. His temper in the way of shouting at or over me-no swearing or abusive language- just his way of getting the last word maybe.. Nothing physical though. My distancing myself. No sex (my choice)...

Difficult to go into.

Can anyone help me see a way through this.

I just feel there's no way back but have huge guilt about destroying my dc lives and also because I'm a Christian and feel it's wrong of me to feel this way.

Pls be kind.

We are hopefully going to start going to Relate.

I need balanced views as am swinging between stay and go.

Still have dc at home

Op life is too short to love it unhappily. Your DC will feel that. Divorce doesn’t mean you lose your faith. Don’t stay for either of those reasons ❤️

I do not believe that God or Jesus intended any sacrament as a vehicle for one spouse to bully the other. In that sense, he's already well outside the terms of the contract. The contract with you and the contract with God.

Taking your children out of that atmosphere will do the opposite of destroying their lives, if it proves necessary.

I'm not sure couples' counselling is effective for long term patterns of behaviour, and it's definitely not recommended for cases of domestic abuse, because the abusers subvert the process.

If the religious side of it is weighing so very heavily on you, could you find an enlightened member of clergy to talk to?

The Bible says that husbands should love their wives and Jesus loves the church. Jesus was prepared to lay down his life for the church in act of love. Nothing this man is doing is showing you love. Divorce doesnt make you a failure in your faith and faith alone is not a reason to stay.

As Jesus love the church - sorry fat fingers!

No doubt your husband promised, before God, to love, honour and cherish you. It seems to me that he has failed to live up to those vows for many years. So in effect you don't have a marriage and IMO should take steps to leave this toxic situation.

I do not believe that God or Jesus intended any sacrament as a vehicle for one spouse to bully the other. In that sense, he's already well outside the terms of the contract. The contract with you and the contract with God.

Absolutely this! He's not kept his side of the bargain. "To love and to cherish"

I'm in a very similar situation in many ways although my husband would say I am the problem. Whichever way round it is, it is so hard.

I said i needed some space yesterday and he said I therefore didn't respect my marriage vows. My response is above - I don't think the terms of the contract are currently being adhered to, it just looks ok from the outside.

I'm scared to be alone in some ways too. I'm also scared that my dc will hate me for splitting the 'family' up. I'm scared I won't be able to cope. I'm scared I won't be enough for my dc. I'm scared that something awful might go wrong and that I won't be able to look after my dc.

Sorry - I don't actually have anything useful to add clearly!! I have run out of ideas to improve things tbh - just been on the phone to a counselor who was some help, mostly validating my feelings, but they don't actually solve it do they!!!

Thank you for msgs

of course you are scared. it is hard but you get through and adapt. but it is possible.

(separated and planning on divorce eventually. )

Maybe solo counselling would be a good idea?

I’m in a similar position, without the strong Christain faith, so you have my every sympathy, it is so so hard.

I desperately want to leave, but I am afraid for all the reasons you’ve mentioned.

like your husband mine is a verbal bully, along with other reasons which make me intensely dislike him.

on a practical level I found individual therapy much more helpful that marriage counselling, it’s helping me to understand the patterns that lead me to accept his behaviour for so long. But equally I can see why you may want to give marriage counselling a go.

Thank you all. I've had some one to one therapy and I've ended up more confused.

I am in a similar position to you OP. It seems like 'fear of the unknown' holds many people back (I find it overwhelming sometimes). It seems to be in the human psyche.

I think counselling will help, if you do it together. I’m sorry it sounds tough with his relationship with your eldest, but does he admit to that being an issue? You’ve mentioned no intimacy, is he ok with this or has that caused further issues with you both? Has he been faithful to you through that? You’re very conflicted and I would say there is hope if he’s been faithful. Some parents and kids have troubles relationships which can change with age.