27 and still never had a relationship

[Rnc96]

I previously posted about this roughly six months ago - in a nutshell, I’ve been single my whole life and never had a guy show any interest in me in person.
Prev thread for ref: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4710128-worried-im-too-unattractive-for-a-relationship?page=1

I’ve been on just 5 first dates (they didn’t turn into second dates). This is despite using 3 different dating apps, having a diverse mix of friends, being physically in shape and living in a large city.

I have also lived in different cities, travelled abroad, work for a large company. Hence, I’ve been fortunate to meet lots of new people, and continue to socialise more than some of my old friends who stayed in my small hometown. (There’s nothing wrong with staying there btw, I just mean I’ve had more chances to meet a wider range people.)

Since posting my last thread in January where some posters were polite and gave good advice, I had my hopes up… but it seems things haven’t changed in this aspect of life. If anything, they seem to have become worse despite other areas of my life improving.

I’ve had a very ‘social’ year so far. Joined new hobbies/classes which I wouldn’t have thought of trying before, made more new friends, and attended all work social events even ones with teams I don’t work as closely with. I don’t regret doing any of this, I’ve met some great people doing so but it still hasn’t helped my dating prospects.

I tried to lower my dating expectations from the apps as well, to take the mental pressure off and see them as merely another way to meet more single men. I don’t worry too much about will this lead to a relationship etc.

Unfortunately, I have only had just one first date since posting my thread. I get some matches on the apps (not a lot compared to other women perhaps) but out of those matches half of them will actually message or reply to my message.

Also, from the ones that do exchange messages they don’t follow through with meeting in person. I’ve now had 7 matches ask me out since January, we’d even agree on a day or place but then they don’t follow through / stop messaging. I can only presume they weren’t that interested in the first place. I’ve had friends vet my profile and read the messages exchanged and they don’t really know what to suggest or will shrug it off and say modern dating sucks.

Just this week I matched with a guy who was unemployed (he has worked before in hospitality but has been out of work for a month), and was shorter than average. I want to stress that I don’t think having a good job makes you a more valuable person but on superficial dating apps I think it’d be naive to ignore that taller men with highly paid jobs are more likely to receive more matches and dating prospects. Anyway he messages respectfully and even asked me out for a coffee which I of course politely accepted and even suggested meeting at a specific cafe (I.e., showing interest and not expecting the guy to make all the effort).

He stopped replying so seems yet again there will be no first date. 🤷‍♀️ If he’s unemployed I’d presume he would be more likely to spare an hour or so to meet me even if he only was a tiny bit interested.

I really don’t know what else to do now. If I’ve never had any success whilst in the “prime” of my life in person either, I’m so scared it’s only going to get much harder. Not too sure why I’m even posting but just having a really hard day mentally, where my lack of dating experience really hits home.

I know when you're 27 it feels quite 'old' to be not dating / not yet had a bf to speak of.

Looking back, though, I know that 27 isn't old at all. There is plenty of time for 'your person' to turn up, or for a series of 'your persons'. I'd go as far as to say that I think there are benefits to starting dating a bit older. You should know yourself more, be more mature and have better boundaries than you would have 5 or 10 years ago. It sounds like you've worked and travelled quite widely. You will have grown as a person and maybe enjoy different things to 5 or 10 years ago. You're better developed in to who you are, and as such will hopefully choose someone who suits you better.

Keep living life. Keep enjoying work and travel and friendships and hobbies. These things are good in and of themselves, full stop. But they also open up horizons for meeting people, including people who like the things or the places that you like.

Believe me, there is plenty of time. I know several people who wish they hadn't coupled up so young. They made decisions about marriage and work and which uni to go to, based on a bf who turned out to be not right for them in the long run. All remarried after the age of 35 and are much happier for it.

Thanks @perfectcolourfound, it does bring me hope that people still find their person later in life but I still get paranoid that the fact I have no experience will be a red flag for men.

also, I hate not being able to “practice” dating whilst waiting for the right one. If I can’t get a man to spare 1 hour of his time to meet me, or even engage with drunk men on nights out (people often joke drunk men have no standards) it can be really hard to stay optimistic.

Are you quite a serious person? The story of person who takes a bit of time to get to know and see the lighter side of their character?
My sister is a bit like this, she comes across as 'hard work' because she takes ages to relax and smile... Actually when you get to know her she's great company, good sense of humour and a well rounded person. But to entice first meeting her she's hard faced, closed and hard to talk to... Anything like that going on?
Though from your description of work and life experiences etc I wouldn't assume so, just trying to consider options... it would be nice to find it was something within your control after all!

Sort of person, not story

I don’t think so @PimpMyFridge but admittedly when I was younger I was more reserved and introverted. I’ve changed a lot in that sense though, no longer scared of speaking to strangers or breaking the ice / making the first move with people. Honestly just improving my social life is what has helped the most with my career haha, I do less actual work now but good at getting on with people

Well that's both good - you sound great. And bad - you're having a long run of bad luck!
You do sound like quite a catch. Have you tried professional match makers? 😬

I remember a story about a guy who was in this exact situation (total catch baffling lack of interest etc etc) so he took out an ad in a newspaper (or similar, I forget the details) and it went viral and he was inundated, think he had quite a few dates after that. 🤣🤣

Just quickly googled to see if I could find it (I'm killing time waiting for my DD here 😁), turns out quite a few people have decided to go 'all in' on their strategy... So you're definitely not the only one in this boat feeling like you're in some kind of love desert!

Could you appoint one or two friends as "dating mentors" and get them more involved in analysing your approach? Tell them you want constructive criticism rather than just positivity. Might yield new ideas?

I don't think most men care if you haven't had much previous experience. Some men even prefer that. Also not everyone has their prime in their 20s. I think my wife became more and more attractive going into her 30s.

Find a professional dating coach. We only have things written from your own view and assessment of yourself. Something is unusual but we wouldn't know because we don't know you. Someone needs to sit with you, see how you act.. etc to be able to give constructive advice.

Thanks for the suggestion @Not2n8Josephine. I have had a quick search online and the “relationship coaches” seemed less appealing to me but I think possibly a therapist that specialised in relationships might hopefully be helpful.

On a side note I don’t know why I decided to torture myself yet again.

I used bumble blind speed dating (for an hour you talk to different people without seeing their profile, then can potentially match after).

It’s good that it prevents bias, but if you’re physically unattractive it’s awkward to speak to someone seemingly interested who then swipes left. Also, it only shows one picture of the person when asked to swipe left or right, can’t see the full profile unless you choose to match so the decision is mostly looks motivated.

I ended up having a decent conversation with all guys but only matched with 2 after it finished. I sent another follow up message after (to keep the conversation going) and have been blanked by both 😅 Funny, they were more than happy to message before but now they’ve seen my pictures it’s radio silence.

I totally appreciate its hard for any posters to be able to know exactly what I’m doing wrong.
Getting rejected on apps when you’ve had your profile vetted by real people definitely makes me think it’s mostly appearance related as none of these guys have given me a chance to show my personality / energy in person (even if I’m subconsciously sending out the wrong energy) they wouldn’t be able to know that, if that makes sense.

Sorry to hear about the blind speed dating. I think you're doing the right thing by trying different things like that, even if it didn't work out this time. I was a fairly late starter myself (no dates at all until I was about 23, and then struggled for a while even after that) and it really weighed on my mind a huge amount, so I know that it can be really hard.

Lots of not-traditionally-good-looking people do find relationships, as previous posters have said, so there will be some people out there who would be a match for you - it's mostly a question of finding them. I think online dating is worth continuing to try as one option, but the tricky thing is that it can feel like you're competing against everyone else on there, and some people (men and women) look at the "hottest" people on there and assume that they should be able to date one of them, so they don't give most other people a fair shot. I think meeting more single people in real life could help to build connections that might lead to something, but I realise that you're saying you've already been doing that. Have you asked about possibly being set up on dates with friends of friends or that kind of thing?