Moving forwards when you really dislike someone

[Icantthinkofagoodname01]

I have a family member (A) who I really dislike, but unfortunately going NC is not an option so I’m looking for ways to try and move forwards and stop feeling so angry about A’s behaviour towards me.

A & I are very different and have never had a warm or easy relationship. I find her very aggressive in her manner & strongly suspect she is a narc however have always tried my best to get along with her and tolerate her selfish ways for the greater good of the family.

In an effort to strengthen our relationship, A had a central role at a big life event for me. In the build up to the event, A caused a lot of drama and upset, and unfortunately things didn’t improve on the day. Quite a few people (who hadn’t been aware of the drama in the lead up to the event) commented to me about how badly A acted on the day so I’m confident I wasn’t being over sensitive about it.

I tried to have a conversation with A about it but she completely shut me down - didn’t let me speak, gaslight me the whole way through the conversation and twisted the whole conversation into it being all about her feelings. A also said some really nasty things about some other family members I am extremely close with. The conversation was left that we were never going to agree with the other ones view point.

However - I still feel so angry about the way she treated me and I’m struggling to get past it. Even just typing this out has made my blood boil as I feel like she has been able to behave appallingly with no repercussions and now we are expected to act like a big happy close family which I don’t feel is the case.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can move on please ? I don’t want to give A anymore of my headspace but I’m struggling.

Have you tried being more honest with her - e.g. if she is rude, you say what you are thinking rather than trying to be polite or get along with her?

I am going through the same but it is my brother. I made the conscious decision recently that I cannot play happy families anymore with someone who has verbally and mentally abused me not to mention humiliated me, again with a big event by excluding me. I sat down and made a list of pros and cons and the only pro was he is family but you dont have to love nor even like family. They are just people you are tied to by blood. The cons were he brings nothing but drama and misery to my life so that is it for me. Totally cut out now. I may have to see him at things in future but I will distance myself and to be honest when people ask I will just be truthful about the exact reasons why. Life is too short to have someone in your life that makes you miserable.

Wipe your life clean if this waste of oxygen. Say nothing. Do nothing. Don’t feed the gremlin after midnight. Just ensure that you don’t have to cross paths with them. If it’s not possible to avoid them, give them nothing.
practice “Grey Rock Technique.” You will infuriate and frustrate them like you’re poking a hornet’s nest, but if they respond, they will make themselves look like a dick. You will be dignity personified.

I've had similar situations with both my siblings partners. I've tried a number of approaches but these days I simply walk off if they come into the same room as me at family events. If they talk to me I'll answer them and then walk off. If we have to be sat together for e.g a meal then I just ignore any general chat aimed at the group, and if addressed directly then I'll answer but not continue the conversation.

The key to this approach is that you have to genuinely not care how you are coming off/what they think of you, which can be hard especially if you occupy a more 'central' role in the family which isn't being respected.

Nobody has said anything to me like 'you were a bit off with X', I don't think they even notice.

Whatever the reason for not going LC/NC, I doubt it is as important as it seems now. Your sanity and wellbeing is way more important.

How dare she ruin your occasion to the extent others noticed and commented! That should be your wake up call that everyone else can see what a toxic spoon she is and set you free to cut ties.

She's an adult, she makes her own choices and has to deal with the consequences of treating people badly
Stop covering for her, walk away.

If you can’t cut her out your life I would just not engage with her. Be polite, say hello but leave it at that. If she tries to argue with you just walk away. Block her on social media, email and phone and do you best to pretend she doesn’t exist.

Thank you for the replies and sorry to hear other people have toxic relatives too

@80s - the conversation on my OP is the only time I’ve tried to talk to her about it and she just couldn’t see it from my perspective and very much felt like the wronged party in the situation so I haven’t tried since.

i’ll ask a look into the grey rock technique - if I have to see her then I will definitely try to limit down our interaction in group situations

Sorry terrible spelling from me there ! Hopefully you get what I mean

if you have to see her feel free to call her out - you are under no obligation to keep peace and not calling her out only enables her behaviour

worst case scenario - she will stop talking to you and imagine how nice it will be :)

If it's pointless then grey rock is probably best, but I've had the same experience as a pp - that people often don't bat an eyelid if you're brusque with someone - and sometimes the offender will back down or stop being as rude when you're rude back.
In any case, you don't have to get her to see your point of view: let her be wrong. You just need to avoid her and/or get her to leave you in peace.