Should I tell him how nervous I am as date approaches?

[Kittiekattie]

Have a date at the weekend, who's someone I've known before my relationship broke up 2.5 years ago, he's said he's always liked me but was giving me time after breakup and only asked to to dinner recently. He knows how upset I was after breakup and that I was a bit unsure about meeting up with him because I'd been so hurt. He's ringing me later to finalise plans, but I'm really nervous now the last couple of days, feel on edge and not really looking forward to it as much now and keep thinking I don't want to get involved with anyone, not just him.

I'd only recently starting to enjoy single life again after tbe trauma of tbe breakup so don't what I want really.

He's a nice guy and although I was surprised when he asked me a while ago, I thought I'd give him a chance, that I need to start new experiences again after 2.5 years. I don't want to pretend everything is great and I'm excited, because I'm not now. My ex ended things suddenly and was cold in what he said to me.

I won't let him down at this late stage but should I tell him I'm a bit nervous?

If he's someone you've known for years already, the chances are he already cares about you a lot. I wouldn't tell an online date I was nervous but I don't think there's any harm in telling him if you feel you want to. But I'd leave it as you've been single for a couple of years and in a relationship for a long time before that so that's why you're nervous. He doesn't need to know everything you've put above.

Having said that, it is just dinner you're going for. That's one evening. A nice meal and good company is all you need to see it as. You can reassess how you feel afterwards.

Don't overthink it.

Don't get drawn into anything that leads you to talking about your ex at this stage - don't tell him the cold things he said to you.

Firstly, you want him to see you through his own eyes and not your exes and secondly, I have a friend who always ends up counselling women on the first date because they talk about their exes and it ends up never going any further because the dynamics are all wrong!

I don't think there's any harm in telling him. He's not a stranger and he already cares about you.

Are you totally sure you're ready to start dating again though? Just because it's been 2.5 years doesn't mean you HAVE to start dating. It is absolutely fine to not be ready.

I agree about the overthinking it. You’re going for dinner. That’s a meal and conversation with someone you know. And it doesn’t have to be any more than that.

If you don't want to date, you don't have to. If the thought of involvement with a man is giving you physical symptoms of anxiety, you could cancel with kindness if you wanted to, he will understand.

I agree with this. You and your own feelings need to be your first priority. Take a moment to envision what your evening would be alone, or with friends, and what it would be on the date. Examine how you feel about each scenario, and make your decision based on that.

You absolutely do not owe anyone a date, regardless of how long you've known each other, or how he feels about you.

Tell him you're not ready for it yet.

Or do, but dress like this!!!!!

or go

You're going out for a meal

It doesn't have to be a date and it certainly doesn't have to lead to anything at all

But if you don't want to go, don't go

Have you had some counselling to help you come to terms with your last relationship?

Feeling nervous is totally normal! He probably is too and would very likely empathise with how you're feeling!

It's the idea of the date that's making you nervous.

I guarantee all the nerves will disappear once you meet up and you'll remember that this is your good friend who you're comfortable with.

I’m a bit torn
on the one hand no one should do something they don’t want to
ever

but on the other hand it might be a nice time and will remind you that you are a woman with worth , and you might have a nice time

BTW I'm not a great believer in opening up to people about my inner most feelings unless I know them really well

So I wouldn't tell him how you're feeling. I don't see how it would help.

You do, as I said above, need help to sort out your feelings about your ex....counselling or something like that

This is what I'm hoping will happen, and as I say, I'm not going to cancel at this stage, just unsure whether to tell him I'm nervous beforehand. From PPs so far, it might be best not to. I did have a few sessions of counselling and even talked about it with her... she thinks I should go and enjoy the meal.

I wouldn't...it would totally skew the dynamic into 'counsellor/patient' mode! I've had this done to me, when men have told me how nervous they are and I had to continually put them at ease. It was draining to be honest.

I agree that the ex shouldn’t even enter into the conversation . Leave the past in the past

there are a million better things you can talk about

also sounds like they did a number in your self esteem - try to banish that also

Don't tell him you're nervous in a whole counsellor kind of way, but you could tell him (in person while smiling) you are happy to be out, want to take things slow as you find your feet again but thank you for the lovely dinner/getting me out again/etc.

You probably want to avoid a sudden surprise kiss at the end (that might not even be unwanted but if you're not ready for it, you might involuntarily panic and freak him out) so if you say something like that he's less likely to take things the wrong way I think.

Brilliant advice... thank you!