Husband going self employed has changed our dynamic

[Doxylox]

Was wondering if anyone is in the same boat or has been there and could give me some advice or reassurance. My dh has recently started up his own business, which has always been a dream of his and he struggled to stay for long in a job where he was employed- he'd always get bored and annoyed with something. He's a wonderful father to our one year old and I am so proud of him I've never seen him with such motivation and direction as he is with the business.

But...

It's changed things behind the scenes
First of all the balance at home has changed with cooking and domestic stuff 99%on me now. I work part time but between chasing Dd around, trying to keep up with housework, look after myself doing basic things like showering or eating, cooking for all of us PLUS supporting him through a difficult time when things arent going well. I really appreciate what he's trying to do for the family but nobody asked me or we never talked about this change?!

The other side of it is that his work is always with him, he's on his phone when we hang out as a family or in the evenings he's on the computer. I feel like I can't complain as I know he's doing it to generate more money for us as a family, but I am missing spending quality time. We seem to always talk about the business but I find I also have to hold my tongue as we go about things in very different ways. I'm not sure how much money is going in/out, he's working long days and I'm trying to just let things sort out but it's been quite frustrating and lonely at times.

Please tell me it gets better! Don't want to resent him he is doing his best. I've tried to talk about it but it feels mean to add to his stress now.

I'd say you need a conversation about how you don't mind stepping up to 100% of the jobs for a fixed time but that if he still has to keep up this pace after a year / 6 months or whatever you're happy with, then it's time to bring in help or rethink the plan.

Let him know this is a temporary situation

Good advice. I’d also try and carve out designated non-screen time for both your and his sakes. Going SE can make it difficult to switch off from work but it’s essential – funnily enough, housework can be a great de-stresser! ;)

What do you mean nobody asked you or there was no conversation about the changes? He just left his job one day and started his own business the next, no discussion whatsoever?

Of course, anybody who contemplates starting their own business absolutely knows the initial months (or even years) will be long, intense days. If you truly haven't had any kind of conversation about how homelife has/will change, then have it now, fgs. I'm sure he can spare some time during an evening and a weekend to help with chores and the kids and an hour or two for you both to sit down alone for some couple time once or twice a week (no phones or laptops). Pencil it in the diary if you have to. Don't take no for an answer if you're that unhappy

Maybe offer to help him. It will bring you closer. Starting a business is like jumping of a cliff and eating glass at the same time. Also success will take twice the time planned so this is a long haul. Be prepared.

You dont know about money going in or out..this caught my attention. He needs to be all over that for tax purposes. He should have business bank accounts and family bank accounts which are separate… you cant just mix and match this stuff

My dad started his own business when I was 10 and for two years he worked every contract that he won. Sometimes it was 18 hr days and 7 days a week, until he had a good reputation. After this he was able to make sure he had time with mum and I at weekends, but jobs still came in that were urgent and he would do them as he didnt want to let anyone down.

My mum did it all the house, shopping, me and worked part time aswell as she liked getting out the house.

It must have been hard but he did it so we could have a good life and for that I'm very grateful.

He is 80 now and still has clients ringing him to do work, even though he retired at 70.

He does a few a year as it keeps him busy and it gets him out the house.

It will get better but you have to be honest with him as to what you need from him, for you and for your family

Is this a job where every time he does a job he gets paid e.g. like a plumber, or is it a job where he can work all day and not actually get any money?

The thing that stands out to me is that you're supporting his dream but you don't seem to be operating as a team. You need a frank conversation about how you can support each other to get his business off the ground, how it is doing financially, and what both the short term and long term plan looks like for his working pattern. He can't just throw himself into it leaving you to sort everything and without an idea of whether the business is breaking even, that's not fair.

It might or might not get better. You need to put boundaries in place immediately to help him remember to have a work life balance. The first thing I would do is have the conversation listed above about how you doing everything is only going to be for six months. I would give him this as starting a business is hard. I would request 2 hours of his undivided attention on the weekend - no computer no phone. And let him know he will be cooking dinner and looking after your daughter on Sunday nights while you have a break. Slowly add more to his todo list over time. If you get the oh I can’t do anything because I work all the time crap stop doing things for him. Let him deal with the consequences.

Theres some really conflicting advice here, as someone who runs their own business i can say yes it is stressful and hard work and its very difficult to switch off, but the rewards can be very fruitful! Piling more and more chores on a to do list isn't exactly going to help. It could get to a point where its long hours and a lot of stress and he just jacks it in to keep the peace and gets a 9 to five doing something he hates just to keep the peace and then ends up resenting it.

I was lucky in that my dp supported me fully and it was 2 years before i made anything resembling decent money, there was no hassle or demands or ultimatums about chores or how its impacting our relationship, he was nothing but nurturing and supportive. If it had been different i would have probably given up as it was bloody hard work with no apparent reward. Now I'm out earning dp by a lot.

By all means discuss it in depth, but dont go ott with demands simply to make a point.

Are you suggesting Op gives up any time to herself and does everything around the house including all child care while working part time indefinitely so her husband can follow his dream?

@snitzelvoncrumb that's not what im saying, I'm saying the early years of starting your own business are tough and long hours and yes an inability to switch off especially if you've got a family to think of and the added pressure to succeed. But the rewards can be amazing further down the line, for the whole family. OP has already said about his past record of working and losing jobs, so he goes back to that, family scraping by on a part time wage and him losing jobs he gets frustrated by, more work life balance maybe but other problems arising from money issues etc and wondering what could have been.

I acknowledge i was fortunate having a dp who basically supported my dream for 2 years when i was making next to nothing, however i am now living that dream.

@Vodandtonic for the ops sake could you clarify? For two years did you do little to no housework cooking cleaning or parenting, also not bring in little to no money, and sit on your phone ignoring your partner and dc when you are around?
I mean, I wouldn’t have supported that, if I’m ever a single parent I’ll do it as a single parent thanks very much.

Setting up a business from scratch is really, really hard. The stress, the pressure, the worry, it’s endless. The first few years really are “head down and push”, 80 hour weeks, very little down time and even when you try to switch off…..your mind still cycles through endless what ifs. IME it is very different to being employed, even if you’ve held senior roles in the past. Having said all that, there should have been a conversation about the changing dynamic. If he is expecting you to pick up all the slack whilst he fully focuses on the business, that should have been discussed and agreed. I would guess that he didn’t fully realise how challenging it would be (I know I didn’t!) and now he’s in the thick of it, he’s so focused on trying to make it a success that he can’t really see anything else. So have the conversation with him. Tell him how you feel and make a plan together moving forward. I think you will need to pick up the slack and for more than 6 months, more like a couple of years. But, the rewards can be brilliant and it can definitely pay off. One thing I would say (and call me a cynic!) is that your contribution is going to be different, but equally as important as his. So, if he’s setting up a company, I would advise you are a share holder. There are way too many threads on here from women who’ve done what you are doing, picked up the slack, the business has gone well and then he’s bobbied off into the sunshine with miss shiny new boobs, using his self employed status and a clever accountant to minimise maintenance payments. (That’s just my cynical self talking but I would encourage you to protect yourself). Good luck op, I really hope it works out for your family.

@Codlingmoths it depends what you want, one part time wage and a partner who has a history of short term failed jobs, or a potential rosy future with a successful business but with a difficult few years of one person picking up the slack at home and long stressful hours and not much down time for the one starting the business. Obviously this needs communication and as mentioned until you start business you dont really know the amount of work you're getting yourself into. Its not a 9 to 5 where you switch off.

And since you asked yes for about 2 years i was pretty much supported and nurtured by dp who was far more patient than i would ever be, he was the sole earner during that period and did pretty much carry me for 2 years. Luckily it worked out.

Good question!

This is a guy who’s never been able to hold down a job. The greater probability is the op wears herself to the bone for years while he throws everything into his dream and fails at it.

Thank you everyone, thats really helpful to hear other peoples experiences - from both sides. He's working as a forestry contractor so long physical days, payment generally per day but he's got deadlines to complete the jobs.
He's pretty much at his limit I think, worrying about providing enough income/start up costs etc. I want to support him but just feel a bit lost in the picture I guess.

We have a joint account but then he has a separate business account so that's what I meant re. money going in and out. I'm an organised person so really think I could help take the weight off with admin - would love to be part of it, but unfortunately don't have any time to do it.

We're struggling in our own different areas I guess and struggling to come up with a solution. We used to talk everything through and do things together and now not so much, I don't mind if it's short term but it doesn't feel great.

My dad left the RAF to start his own business, never earned a decent wage again - basically he spent all his time doing his hobby and calling it work, was always stressed about cashflow, most he ever earned was well below minimum wage levels, never did family things or came to school plays or anything, we kids were FSM, all our clothes from jumble sales, no heating in the house, mum would shop by saying "if I buy 6 eggs we can all have a boiled egg for a treat on Saturday and there's two left for making a cake".
I think the important thing is setting criteria with an agreed strict timeline for success of business and an agreement to return to employment if these are not met. I'd also insist he makes sufficient provision for his tax liability having had a s/e husband who had to "borrow" his balancing payment off me every year & whose financial household contribution was rather flexible but who always got himself the latest & highest spec phone, MacBook etc on the grounds they were essential for business.