Nothing I do seems to be good enough 😢

[Loulou560]

Hi
I was hoping for some moral support here. Nothing I seem to do is ever good enough for my partner. Any comments about walking away aren’t particularly helpful to me at the moment as I have two babies under two, and have gone through a horrific few years with losing family members, and worried about my sick father. I’d like to know how I can approach this issue to resolve matters hopefully.
Ive paid for us to come away for the week with the children as a birthday gift for DP. I sort out all of my things and the DC, think of what to bring, organised everything etc. I forget to get one food item we need, and now he’s saying I’ve got ‘no food here’, despite me asking him to make a list of what we need etc. He’s now gone out to get it, but I’m feeling very angry at the moment. I don’t get everything right, but who does?
DP has issues that I’m aware of, and he’s in a good mood most of the time, but when things like this happen, I see red. He’s never done anything outright abusive, like be derogatory about my appearance/ how much he loves me, and gets on well with my family and friends. I’m just concerned at the lack of feeling appreciated ( he’s got a very easy life with me financially etc. and he knows I love him). There have been a few instances recently and it makes me so angry. Just commenting on why we don’t have certain items in the house (like it’s all my responsibility), if the baby’s sick everywhere, he asks ‘well what have you given her?’ and when I’m opening a jar the wrong way I get a snide ‘how old are you?’ comment. It’s low level stuff that’s damaging my self esteem, and I’m not happy to let it continue. Thank you for listening.

I would suggest couples therapy.

You could both be tired and worn down after a difficult few years and the daily grind of very young children.

It's a habit that is damaging but I think it will be better received from someone else plus accountability to actively change.

You are more than good enough. What’s happening is you have an arse of a partner who is treating you badly.

You’re feeling resentful because he’s treating you as unpaid labour/employee rather than an equal partner.

If you’re on Facebook, check out a page called Bridging the Gap. It is eye opening and you’ll recognise everything you’ve written here in other threads. There is practical advice about how to get your partner to step up although it only seems to work with the ones who want to change which seems pretty rare unfortunately.

i can’t really see what he’s doing wrong?!

Read it again. Jesus.

It’s contempt. It’s one of the predictors of relationship breakdown

contempt, criticism, stonewalling, and defensiveness.

he’s got a very easy life with me financially etc. and he knows I love him

What do you mean by that? Are you the main breadwinner for him/the family ?

If so, do you think he’s deliberately trying to knock you down a peg or two because he feels insecure despite enjoying not having as much financial responsibility.

when I’m opening a jar the wrong way I get a snide ‘how old are you?’ comment

Do you think he could be harbouring resentment towards you for something? His behaviour is that of someone who has low-level contempt for their partner.

Ask yourself - how often does he sigh at you, roll his eyes, let out grunts of disapproval, snorts of derision, look at you with a smirk or make you feel small for perfectly normal things that everyone does?

If those things are happening fairly regularly, then I'm sorry, as far as I'm concerned your relationship is over. I don't mean in a formal sense, and maybe it can be built back up again, but to me, a proper relationship is two people who are on the same side at the very least, who respect each other, who support each other and lift each other up. That doesn't sound like what he is to you.

@RandomMess I will suggest therapy. I think it’s a good idea.

@SoccerStars yes, I pay all bills with very few exceptions. I hadn’t thought of your suggestion about him feeling insecure. It’s still not right what’s he’s doing, but worth exploring.

Thank you for all your comments. All of your advice is greatly appreciated x

Does he work?
What does he pay for?

@GrazingSheep he pays towards childcare, and some groceries/ ad hoc things. He works but most of his income pays his debts off

He sounds like he is abusive and taking the mick if he is letting you pay for everything and still talking to you like crap.

This won't end well for you, you should make plans to get out of this situation.

So he's a cocklodger who is also treating you disrespectfully.

Regardless of his reasons I.e. insecurity, jealousy, resentment its absolutely unacceptable. You can suggest therapy but let's be absolutely clear, people never NOT realise they're being abusive. They know, they just don't care.

Therapy won't fix contempt. The only fix for that is to remove him from your life. Sorry OP.

It sounds as though he's trying to make you feel insecure / bad about yourself, to make himself feel better.

No loving partner treats their OH like he's treating you.

You deserve better. If you think this could be corrected then by all means talk to him about it. But it will require him to acknowledge what he's doing wrong, to be sorry for the hurt caused, and to actively make changes. It means him taking responsibility and starting to show you respect as his equal partner. It means no digs, or snidy remarks, it means sharing the workload equally so you both get the same downtime, and it means him treating you with love and care.

If he won't accept any blame / if he won't take actions to improve things, then you've no chance of getting things back on track.

Yes definitely it’s not right for him to disrespect you under any circumstances. If he is insecure he needs to address those feelings and perhaps improve his situation so he is bringing in more.

Also you want a man who who loves you for you, not one who is harbouring resentment but staying for an easy financial ride so it’s definitely important to clarify his feelings about you.

It’s never a good sign of things to come when a man begins to take out his poor self-esteem on his partner. Things are likely to escalate unless you put a stop to it.

Good luck!

You pay for most things and look after the kids and he rags on you for not thinking of everything? Honestly OP he doesn’t sound like he particularly likes you.

So he's a nasty abusive loser who's living off you?

A bully to boot.

Ring Women's aid for a chat.

You have chosen a loser to have children with an being in total denial about the fact won't help.

Are you going to be happy allowing those two children listen to this loser father bully their mother?

Call Womens aid for support.

I'm sorry things are so hard but staying with an abusive loser is not the answer.

He clearly doesn't even like you, not to mind love and respect you to speak to you like that.

You deserve better than a waster with debts, so do your children.

Your children are going to be learning that this is the right way to behave....man puts woman down and does very little to support....basically pays childcare so you can keep earning to pay for him while mother takes it is unhappy does all chores and pays for things....
Do you want this for your children because dad had no reason to change?