Betrayed friendship

[Pleah555]

I have mixed feelings about a situation happened to me.
I went out with this girl and didn't work out but she remained in my group of friends.
Few days ago i went to a 30ies party i organized for a friend of mine. There that friend had sex with the girl i dated and it wasn't possible to not hear them from where they were-we were 10 people and sleeping all at hearing distance even if divided by thin walls-this friend was the friend to whom i cried about my lingering feelings for her till few weeks before. And even her probably knew of that even if i was trying to accept the rejection because seemed definitive. Both of them had weeks to let me know they were dating, or could at least went outside in one of the cars to do that. Can i feel betrayed by him? What would you do in my place? It's also the friend that in the past months i helped to get over his break up and reached out over the years because he was feeling unwell.

These people clearly don’t care about your feelings. Was there lots of alcohol involved? That must hurt for you what you saw and heard. I don’t think I’d do much , you could tell him how you’re feeling if you thought that would make a diff and if you plan on staying friends with him.

He sounds like a terrible friend if I’m honest, drunk or not, it was a horrible thing to do to you.
You fan either pull him up on it or let go of this friendship. Personally I’d do the later as he didn’t even have the decency to talk to you about it. I understand he may have been nervous to tell you but you’d rather have heard it from him rather than hear them have sex.

There was alcohol involved. But they had various moments during even in the same evening to let me know something and they didn't do anything. I could have left earlier if i let me knew they were dating in place of remaining with everyone else.

He’s not your friend. He’s listened to your feelings about this girl and not bothered to tell you they are dating or at least having sex.. that’s bad enough, but to then, for them to have loud sex knowing you could probably hear.. that’s actually really disgusting.
There’s nothing to consider here, no mitigating circumstances- just get rid of the both of them - they deserve each other!

I don't think they thought in the moment i could hear or not but i know him by 13 years.

Let’s say he had no idea they could be heard., he still went there knowing how you felt. That’s no friend. Did other people hear them?

I think everyone. I also moved at another floor to not hear them and they came later half naked together to go out smoking. Exhilarating if you think that the day later they asked the other people we were with if i could have noticed.

Exactly what another poster has said, even if he thought you couldn’t hear them, he still did it. He went behind your back knowing how upset you’ve been over this girl.
He didn’t care about your feelings and has played you, shows what type of friend he is.

Thank you everyone. I still don't know what to do, i feel mostly frustration and anger regarding this issue. While i would not like to make it difficult for our group of mutual friends (we are a group of 30 years old with friendships lasting from 27 to 10 years) i still don't know what i would feel better, to forget them or to forgive them. I just fear that both their behaviour can be toxic towards me and I'm tempted especially to say to him that he's dead to me. People are complex, errors can be made but i don't know if seeing them could hurt more or less than being angry with them and not seeing them.

Take some time to think about what to do next. No one can blame you for being angry and I’m sure your whole group of friends would understand you wanting to keep your distance from him, for a while.
When you’re ready, it might help you to share how you’re feeling with him but I wouldn’t expect too much in return. He’s heard how you’re feeling before and still acted on something he knew would upset you. If he had genuine feelings for the girl and spoke to you beforehand then as horrible as it would feel to see them together, at least you would have been prepared.

Now he asked me to talk, having exams to do i said to him to contact me in one or two weeks. It's true that at this point i don't expect much but at least i need to see how i feel about him in person before deciding. From her, not even a message, i know form past experiences she doesn't like confrontation but still after dating we were trying to remain friends.

I would never look either one in the face again

How long were you dating this woman for and how long ago did you split up?

as for not talking to him until after your exams - is that really going to help matters with yourself and your friendship circle? I’d rather get the conversation done than have it hanging over me. Or is this you trying to have some control over the situation?

I had a huge crush on her but we didn't date that long, it's just that we started dating 3 months ago and after dating followed a hot and cold time period before definitively deciding to leave the thing. Alltoghether i would say two months and starting one month ago we mainly mantained contact amicably by message not seeing each other. I first saw her again at the party.
Till 3 weeks ago i cried on the shoulder of my friend, listening about his problem with his ex and him listening to the difficulty of letting lingering feelings go away. From what i know now, they started to date the week later.

I have the exam today, i said i need time to think what's best for myself at this point. I don't want urgency or raw emotions to push myself in something i'm not comfortable in, nor i want to be the one that has to listen to him ranting about guilty feelings few days after that happened.
I'm a pretty malleable guy, i don't think they couldn't date beacuse I had feelings for her, that is somthing i would have considered my own problem if they just let me knew in advance. But discovering it that way was really disturbing. Let just say i don't have good memories of that night at the moment.

I hope your exam goes well.

In all the thread above people seem to be discussing the woman you dated as if she's an object, being passed between you and your friend. You dated for a short while, you don't own her choices about what to do with her body now you're not dating. This reminds me of relics such as asking a woman's father before proposing. This attitude needs leaving in the past.

I'm not saying your feelings are wrong, btw. Feelings are feelings and relationships ending can really hurt. Even short ones. You should allow yourself to feel the hurt and disappointment and loss of what could have been and be kind to yourself.

But I don't buy that what they did was that awful. Stupidly drunkenly insensitive perhaps. Should've been quieter and not flounced about after. But you've no rights over her body. Of course they didn't have to tell you beforehand, and who knows if it was planned anyway? You are all fairly young and single. This is normal human behaviour! If I found out a previous short relationship was trying to police who I shagged going forward I'd be livid!

I think you're focussing on the outrage because it feels better in the short term than letting yourself feel the pain of a relationship ending which you'd hoped might last. Let yourself feel the pain and it will pass.

But i don't think that they owe me whom they're seeing, neither i think it was planned what happened. I feel hurt (considering what you said i'm evaluating if it is not to feel sad about everything else, true) because i was there for him for various things in the past months, and he could have avoided me pain just letting me know he was seeing her, not asking permission which i consider not my business.
Similar, but less hurt from her because i know her from a shorter time, i listened to her problems beacause i wanted to be her friend in the future. She doesn't have to let me know if she's seeing someone, it's not my business but the fact that she's dating one of my closest friend, seeing them togheter was bound to happen. If they knew that could have hurt me, just stating (not asking permission for) that they were seeing each other would have been enough.
Still, this is also why i wanted time to think, it's risky to vomit to him what i thought inmediatly. I don't even know if i feel anything about her at the moment, i think the entire situation helped me let go but being sure about it and being sure about why i'm agry are both things to consider. Thank you for the point i'll reflect on that.