Unhappy.

[west903]

I’ve had the talk w my sons father that I am unhappy, unfulfilled & that I don’t think I will ever be able to trust him after he cheated on me in the beginning of my pregnancy. He doesn’t want to break up & says he is happy (of course he is i wait on him hand and foot)…
Our relationship has been in shambles since he cheated, we fight often, and usually he just tells me i need to grow up and get over it..
I haven’t officially broken up with him yet, But he knows that i have been taking a step back. Ever since I brought this up, he has been acting so different — overly nice, trying to be super sweet all of the sudden, when this is all out of the ordinary for him.. He is definitely trying to kiss my a** i know him too well. I feel like its a manipulation tactic..? I want to walk away so bad, but part of me feels bad for him? I don’t know what to do. Our relationship has become toxic, i dont like the gaslighting, lack of accountability, respect, :( life is too short to feel like this in my relationship.. But I feel guilty if my child doesn’t grow up in a household with both of his parents living together since i had that. idk what to do

You know exactly what to do, you're just scared. You know he's treating you like shit. You know you need to leave so please, do it. You can do this! The longer you put it off, the longer youre stoping yourself from being happy and potentially finding someone who will treat you exactly how you deserve. Don't waste another day, and don't allow the manipulation and bullshit pull you back. Xxx

Re your child: from experience, a child would much prefer watching parents separate than spend years watching a toxic relationship play out. It's scary, listening to arguments, walking on eggshells, guessing what the mood is, seeing mum scared and sad. All of it is horrid.

Your child wouldn’t want you to be suffering with a man who didn’t treat you right. He or she will grow up seeing a dysfunctional relationship which is worse for them than if they had parents who had split up. Don’t feel bad for needing to end the relationship, you went in with good intentions and it didn’t work out. Don’t ever feel guilty for leaving and being happy.
From what you say it seems as tho he is manipulative. He’ll treat you well now so that when he kicks off which he inevitably will, you’ll think about all the times he was a sweetie and forgive and forget. It’s such a tactic. He knows you’re amazing but doesn’t treat you well. Girl you know what to do. X

@babypleasenow thank you so much ❤️

@Kikicoconut youre so right. thank you ❤️❤️❤️

Did he feel bad when he was unfaithful to you? No? I thought not. So please don't you feel bad for him now.

Focus on your own feelings, build your own life and watch your child grow free from the fear of watching his parents tear each other apart.

Don't feel sorry for him, be angry at how he treated you. He didn't think enough of you and your child to treat you well until you threatened to leave, now he's acting like a prince...surely you can see it's all an act on his part.

Actually, this would annoy me more, because it shows that he's more than capable of acting kindly towards you, he just chose not to.

You can wait around for more of the same, or you can leave and build a better life without him.

i was once a scared anxious child who is now an anxious adult. My dad used to abuse my mum infront of me without a care in the world and he blamed her until the day he died. He ruined me I think cause I’ve only ever found one good man and I let him to because I never had they before and then I ended up having a child with an abuser so I accepted the abuse just like my mum did and it’s not happening.

thank you everyone i think i know exactly what i need to do, just a matter of when@Farmageddon @LittleHare @firsttimemum1230

There is never really a good time to leave @west903 . In my 20's my exH had one-night stands from which he managed to give me an STD. But I excused and put up with it. He then began verbally abusing me when I became pregnant. But I excused and put up with it. Then finally, he became physically violent. So much so that one sunday, on coming home drunk he stabbed me whilst I was holding my baby. I managed to escape out of the house to a neighbours, and then on to a refuge. That was the night I stopped excusing and putting up with his behaviour. But it was almost too late.

Don't waste your life my lovely.

I'm now in my 60's. Since I left him I've had a blast. Run my own business, live my own life, however I choose.

Keep talking here if it helps. There's a wealth of support and knowledge here on MN. Wish the internet had been around in the 80's when I'd needed it.

@LittleHare i am so sorry you had a similar experience. thank you for the advice 🤍

He's the one who has broken up your family by cheating on you and expecting you to get over it. And yet you're still concerned about hurting him. Why do you feel your own well-being is worth less than his? Put you and DS first. DP is an adult and is responsible for himself.

@FloweryWowery Its a struggle being an empath in a relationship with a narcissist! But you’re right, i need to start prioritizing my well being.

But I feel guilty if my child doesn’t grow up in a household with both of his parents living together

Witnessing gaslighting, a lack of respect and accountability, and presumably an unhappy mum dealing with the onging effects of their fathers affair is what they're growing up with if you're living together. You're teaching them a powerful message about how it's done, via your behaviour every day, and giving them a template for their own relationships. What do you want that to be?