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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Alcoholic husband

19 replies

Bailey2265 · 19/06/2023 18:34

My alcoholic husband is a bully. He made sure the house he bought was in his name but it was after we married he bought it. He won't get help with his drinking and although I've tried to ask his daughter to help with an intervention, she's only bothered about who gets the house if something happens to him. This morning I heard him talk about me in a disgusting way which was lies. He told her I controlled him but its vodka controlling my husband. I heard him say he didn't didn't want to be with me anymore. I've stood by him and forgiven him through every alcoholic outburst. He's turned my family and friends against me. Most people really don't want to know or get involved. I'm feeling like I can't take anymore of his bullying ways. It seems easier to take another way out at the moment. He's got me beaten.

OP posts:
PumpkinQueen1 · 19/06/2023 18:44

I'm sorry you are going through this. My ex is an alcoholic, and I really think you need to cut your losses now before it gets worse.

Go to a solicitor and find out exactly where you stand with regards to the house etc. Stay strong, you can do this. Better to be on your own, than in a relationship with an alcoholic bully.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/06/2023 18:47

What PumpkinQueen wrote here. He is dragging you down with him and life with him will indeed get worse under his regimen.

I would try and reach out to your family too

HappyintheHills · 19/06/2023 18:47

Leave him, get a solicitor.

Are you in the UK? Are you married?

CleanCar · 19/06/2023 19:02

If it was bought after you married surely it will be taken into consideration as a marital asset? Get some legal advice and get out of this relationship

FlutteryButterfly · 19/06/2023 20:27

Yep, go to the solicitors. Draw up a plan, the house will be a marital asset.

SparklingLime · 19/06/2023 20:39

There is no point in standing by and forgiving an alcoholic, unless they are in recovery and serious about it. You sound as though you think it's an admirable thing to do? It really isn't.

CreationNat1on · 19/06/2023 20:42

Get away from him. He ll be a delusional crackpot. The delusions do not trump reality. He ll possibly start having strokes and becoming dependent shortly.

Ginandpanic · 19/06/2023 22:30

Sorry that you are in this situation.

you need to tell him he stops drinking or you will leave him. You have to mean it. And he has to be serious about stopping.

Don’t waste your life trying to reason with him, or put up with his crap behaviour.

Original poster
Bailey2265 · 19/06/2023 22:44

Thank you for your response. I've got in touch with a solicitor today and sadly I've reached out to my older brother and sister but am getting ignored. It seems so unfair that he causes the problems but everyone else suffers because he won't get help. I went through this over 20 years ago. My ex husband then beat me as well as mental abuse. I got out and now I'm here again. Things are so much harder now. Spent the day trying to get through to helplines but couldn't. Tried for 2 hours with Citizens advice but then they closed. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

OP posts:
Andante57 · 19/06/2023 22:45

Op please go to Al Anon. You will get help and support from people who are going through/have been through the same as you.

TheSilentSister · 19/06/2023 22:56

You need to leave him and see a solicitor. The fact you've been through similar before may explain (not excuse) why your family have distanced themselves from you. You need to get your ducks in a row. It isn't going to happen overnight. It may need careful planning. Keep on at the help lines, talk to friends. You can do this. You deserve a better life.

Original poster
Bailey2265 · 19/06/2023 23:05

Do you really think alanon would help.? I've spoken to them a few times. Not being disrespectful to others but telling someone to get out is easier said than done. I have a teenage daughter and older son. My daughter is possible autistic, waiting on diagnosis for that . At the moment he's downstairs throwing up because of lack of booze. His walking is affected by drinking. He can't get to the car and go to the shop. Today I've told him I'd had enough of his bullying because when he drinks he's nasty. I'm trying hard to get help for myself because he won't get any for himself.

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 19/06/2023 23:22

Make an appointment with a solicitor and dig out and photograph all the financial information you can get hold of, so all debts, loans, mortgage, and all assets, so savings, pensions, benefits, any earnings etc.

Work out what your bills are, and what your income is. This will help you get a grasp on where you need to be in terms of a divorce settlement in order to live independantly of him. As someone else has said, I'd get out now before he becomes even more infirm due to his alcohol abuse, and it puts you in the position of his carer.

Don't hang about to find out what that's like, tomorrow is a new day, call a solicitor and make an appointment to find out what you might be able to expect in a settlement if you divorce him, that's the first step.

Keep all this to yourself, do not tell him, especially if him knowing will make your life difficult.

SparklingLime · 20/06/2023 00:27

Bailey2265 · 19/06/2023 23:05

Do you really think alanon would help.? I've spoken to them a few times. Not being disrespectful to others but telling someone to get out is easier said than done. I have a teenage daughter and older son. My daughter is possible autistic, waiting on diagnosis for that . At the moment he's downstairs throwing up because of lack of booze. His walking is affected by drinking. He can't get to the car and go to the shop. Today I've told him I'd had enough of his bullying because when he drinks he's nasty. I'm trying hard to get help for myself because he won't get any for himself.

Your children can get help from NACOA, they have lots of resources and a helpline.

nacoa.org.uk/support-advice/

No one is suggesting leaving is necessarily easy, but look at the alternative.

SparklingLime · 20/06/2023 00:29

Alanon mainly help via the weekly meetings. You have to go and keep going. They can help you as you cope with the future.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/06/2023 06:50

You need to speak to a solicitor rather than Citizens Advice.

Do you not think your children have seen more than enough already?. Your previous choices to stand by your man and forgive have cost you, not just to say your kids, dearly. It’s not easy to leave but it’s a damn sight easier than staying with the drunkard for what are really your own reasons.

SparklingLime · 20/06/2023 08:36

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/06/2023 06:50

You need to speak to a solicitor rather than Citizens Advice.

Do you not think your children have seen more than enough already?. Your previous choices to stand by your man and forgive have cost you, not just to say your kids, dearly. It’s not easy to leave but it’s a damn sight easier than staying with the drunkard for what are really your own reasons.

You realise OP has been bullied and coerced just as in any abusive relationship?

SparklingLime · 22/06/2023 16:44

How are you doing, @Bailey2265? This can be a place to vent and talk through what's happening for you.

banshee68 · 03/07/2023 16:43

Get out huni x this from a comrade stuck on the beautiful island of Santorini with a narcissistic functioning alcoholic trying to get through our last holiday together x don’t end up like me. It’s been 30 years of anxiety and trauma!!

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