Child contact - what is fair

[Divorcepending2023]

I’m just after some advice in relation to potential child contact for my 2 year old. I have decided to divorce my husband due to lots of lies over the years and have recently found out he is a regular cannabis user (previously admitted to twice a year in counselling). He is a good dad and loves LO dearly but is mainly about the fun stuff. I do the lions share of the parenting, drs apts, time off for sickness etc.

He wants 50/50 where as I feel every other weekend is more appropriate allowing my LO to maintain a routine etc. My work is more flexible and I work part time whereas he works full time. Another side is honestly I don’t want to miss out on time with her, selfishly the breakdown of this marriage is due to his actions.

I’m not sure what to think or the best course of action but would be grateful for any views

Is he liable to try and obtain contact via the court? I'm not sure re 2 year olds, perhaps there's more erring towards the main caregiver at that age but outside of that the courts favour 50/50

Let him take you to court. Hes a regular drug user.

There is a lot between EOW and 50/50. Two weeks is a very long time for a toddler not to see their dad. I think you are more likely to be able to come to an agreement if you offer some mid week contact as well.

Remember this is about your child's right to a relationship with their dad not about the your feelings.

This was my initial plan however without a court order being in place my worry is there is nothing preventing him collecting her from nursery or something like that. I’m also not sure from my research how far cannabis use is frowned upon when he is functioning in other parts of life still

There's nothing to prevent him, no. But is he likely to do that? If not, then cross that bridge when it comes.

The courts want parents to do mediation first anyway, have you tried that?

The cannabis thing won't make a difference because unless you have proof, it's just your word. And if that was a reason to stop someone seeing their kids, anyone could make up anything.

In my own case, I do 50/50 but didn't in the beginning because I felt she was too young. I made it clear I wasn't seeking CM at the time. That might be part of why he doesn't want to do eow.

Not only that but I do think eow is v sparse for a child who has so far seen a parent every day, and sounds like they have a good relationship. An additional evening in the week might help solve the issue

The courts do seem to favour 50/50.

Could you offer him one night in the week too? Then he'd have more regular contact.

He may want 50/50 now but if you make it clear that he will have to do all the Dr's appts and drudgery in his time he will probably change his tune.

In your situation I would offer more regular but shorter visits eg a couple of afternoons/evenings during the week and say every second weekend on a Friday or Saturday night (providing you think she'd be safe with him, otherwise perhaps all day every second Saturday and Sunday then back to you for bed).

It shouldn't be about what's fair but what's in the best interests of the child. My DS was nearly 2 when we separated and we've always done about 70/30 with the DC spending 2-3 nights per week with their dad.

Courts will favour 50:50, and what you’re offering does seem woeful for a good and loving dad. Have you considered a coparenting relationship, or one where he can come round during the week on set days and do bathtimes/bedtimes etc. My close friend did this when her children were small as it meant she maintained constant contact with her children and didn’t have to lose out. She grinned and bared it till the kids were old enough.

50/50

EOW seems very unreasonable to me. You do b the lions share but that's in part due to you working part time and having that role i your dynamic, perhaps if he's given the opportunity, he may be able to show that he can parent just as well.

You'd actually be doing her a disservice by reducing her ability to have a good relationship with him.

Re the cannabis use, no different to regular use of alcohol if you ask me. Its just that cannabis happens to be illegal in this country and alcohol is not. You could discuss with him not partaking in it while he had your daughter, ensuring he is being safe with it. Could be applied to alcohol use too, so you should be prepared to accept the same terms if you drink regularly.

@Divorcepending2023

I'm sorry you're going through this💐it's shit to see less of your DD because of his behaviour!

However, as long as you know he'll look after her properly, it does give you the opportunity to get your own life back on track.

will you stay PT or are you going FT?

Do you know how far he is/will be living?

when they're so small, little & often is better. Instead of EOW how about Friday pick up & stay over & come back tours Sat afternoon? Tue pick up from nursery & tea, yours for bed (or his if she's ok with that.

hard to say not knowing locations/work schedules etc. but as long as he's good at looking after her, a sort of 79/30, 60/40 is probably in her best interest & yours as far as getting back into working FT.

Difficult as it is, you need to work out how much contact is good for DD then make sure he's doing his share of nursery drop off/pick up to enable you to work more etc

Id ask him for the specifics of 50/ 50 and run through all the things he has probably forgotten about, like dentist, haircuts, classes etc. who takes responsibility for what?

If you can avoid court I gather that's for the best. I'm sorry you're in this position.

Currently, my STBXH says he doesn't want court. In terms of overnights, our 2YO is with me every night. But he sees her most days of the week. Drops her off to nursery a couple of times, spends 1.5 days with her (albeit at my house, he could take her out but he tends to prefer staying in and playing with her toys, works for me as I worry about his judgement and ability to keep her safe to a degree, he has ASD).

I relate to the selfish part of not wanting to miss out. For me knowing I see DD every day is important, even if it's only for bedtime. And she is a sensitive soul so I think they level of consistency is important for her also. Plenty might slate me for it. But day to day she's not seeing her DF much less, it's me doing all the bedtimes and going in in the night and so on, but she still sees him regularly.

School will be a big change just because of days being dictated, so I'm kind of rolling with what's in front of us right now. It also helps that STBXH works Saturdays, so it's only a Sunday where we crossover properly. When we were together I hated that we only had one day a week to spend time as a family, but it's proving very helpful now, as we split the Sunday in half. I then have her on my usual days (I work part time) and he has her on his weekday off.

Thank you everyone it’s certainly helpful to see some other opinions!

I do have evidence of the cannabis use but from what I’ve seen doing research generally it isn’t seen as a huge issue by the courts.

I plan to remain working PT because I’m in quite a well paid job and this will allow me flexibility when LO starts school.

In theory I’d have no issue with him doing a weekday evening however LO goes to bed at 6/6.30 (I realise this will change in the future) and he doesn’t finish work until 5.30 so I feel like he’s be collecting her to take her home and put her to bed whereas I finish at 4. I guess this is what we need to discuss.

We do have mediation next Monday so we will see where we go from there.

Housing for us both isn’t decided yet but we will both be in the same city. Similarly I don’t want him to have contact every weekend with me just doing the weeks because of the lack of flexibility in his work pattern

@Divorcepending2023 we posted at the same time!

With bedtimes, I would share your view, you finish earlier and how beneficial is one hour of time going to be in terms of needing to get your child wound down and ready for bed. I'd say that's in his best interest and not the child's. But I'm also one of those people that thinks that 50:50 a lot of the time is for the benefit of the parents. I'm sure it absolutely does work for some families, but I don't think what seems to be the one size fits all of 50:50 starting point in court seems is designed to meet the needs of children. Especially such young children like ours, I think consistency and stability is really important. My DD would not understand different houses and toys being available. So instead we are going for the approach of the family home being mine and hers, and him being able to spend time there with her largely as he pleases, albeit how long things will stay like this I don't know.

@HelloSunshine12 i really like this idea and would certainly be open to him coming and doing bath/bedtime etc so ensure regular contact

Forgot to say, I think the key thing before you suggest anything is to think 'what is in my child's best interests?' Recognising that some of it is for you and not your child is important, and that's the kind of thing you can be torn to shreds for. Make sure you consider and position your views around what is best for your child. Arrangements don't have to be the same forever, and it doesn't have to be 50:50 if you don't think that is what is in their best interests. You can work up to it or change things around.

I agree that 50:50 is disruptive for the child, but it is what courts go for.

Also to clarify my Pt work is 4 days/28 hours a week so not significantly reduced hours

Perhaps the best pattern for contact now when she is 2 is not what will be best when she is school aged, and you could propose a plan to gradually increase time with her father.

I think this is how you sell it. Child gets stability because nothing immediately changes. But he still gets to do some of the usual stuff, whilst providing ongoing consistency. Also allows the dust to settle and to see whether he sticks around/steps up. I would worry about splitting time between two places if he then disappears and it's cut off with immediate effect. Contact will be an ongoing thing that has to evolve. My STBXH does bath time once or twice a week, but I still do the bedtimes as DD prefers it, and she always wakes calling for whoever has put her to bed, and as he's not here in the night it's no good her calling for him.

My part time is even closer to full time than yours. I do 34 hours. But I compress them so I have a weekday off each week with DD. It buys me flex. When she's at school I'll probably work the Weds but do shorter hours a few days a week for pick ups (I am imagining he will want do tea after school a couple of times so I can do longer days then). Or I'll work full time term time and use the hours stored up to take half terms off and so on if it proves a struggle to get that sorted between us both.

Don't forget about yourself in all of this. Doing every bedtime is great on paper, but it can be exhausting. Single/co-parenting is hard. And whilst I completely understand your desire to keep things as normal for your child as possible, the fact is things are different and you can't protect from all of it. Breaking yourself in the process won't help her either and you have a willing co-parent which I'm sure some lone parents would bite your hand off for.

It's shit, no doubt about it. I'd encourage you to try to come out of this with a pattern that's sustainable for you (in terms of your wellbeing and financially - your food and energy bills will all be higher etc), sustainable for your child but also enables the best co-parenting out of both of you as well. As that's the key, being good at this together. And you will need to adapt as your child grows, and both your lives evolve.

I agree about selling a plan that involves him coming round in the week, it makes more sense re his work pattern. He can do bedtime stories etc. Then he can do eow. Then when her bedtimes are later etc she could stay mid week. Having been through mediation myself and watched an ex partner spend years in court trying to get contact with his son - a major fear of a committed father is that the status quo becomes fact and eventually they lose a real relationship with their kids. So having a future option for more time, and being pro- father/child relationship is a big factor in a peaceful co parenting relationship

In essence, if you don't want 50/50 and you think he'd take it to court, offer more than you're currently offering because he will almost certainly get 50% if it goes there.