Was I groomed?

[purpleglitterglue]

I am so confused...
I really do not think I was but talking to dp about past relationships he seems to think I was... by 2 separate people.

First when I was 15 I started seeing a boy who was 17, we had a relationship for 2 years. Yes we had consensual sex at them ages but he was a virgin but I wasn't.

Dp things this is wrong because I was 15

Secondly, also when I was 15 lived in an estate everyone knew each other, on passing etc I would talk to this guy who was about 20, he was one of the many people who sold a bit of weed locally, so me and friends would go round to his and buy a draw and sometimes just chill there too, nothing out of the ordinary literally just smoking and watching shit tv. Fast forward when I was nearly 18 I perused him, we slept together, was a bit awkward as we didn't know each other properly but it ended up turning into something more, or so I thought. We were seeing each other on and off for many years. Love was brought up, I got preg whilst on the pill at 19, miscarried and he was so careful, considerate etc. forward years later when I ended it with him for good, he told me he wanted to marry me blah blah blah but I didn't want to know, shortly after this I met my now dp.
Dp thinks because this man knew me when I was 15 but didn't sleep with me until I was 17 he groomed me and ultimately used me throughout the whole of our on and off relationship...

Dp is someone who actually Legitimately was groomed as a child by a female teacher and only just realised this when he confided in me about having a relationship with a teacher... obv at first I laughed I didn't realise but then I had to confront him he really had been groomed by this sick woman. So I don't know if he reflecting this on my experiences or what

I don't think either of them sound like grooming but someone else might feel different.

I think you are the authority on whether you feel these relationships were exploitative because of your age and power differences. If you want someone else's opinion, I would say that it sounds like these were potentially unhealthy relationships during a time when most teens are doing lots of pushing their boundaries and figuring themselves out, but I wouldn't say they were 'grooming'. 15 & 17 years old is a relatively normal age difference for teens and I don't think a 17/18/19 year old with a 22/23/24 year old is particularly concerning either, all other things being well. Only you know how you'd characterise those relationships though - not us and not your DP.

I think it does sounds like your DP has a lot of unresolved trauma. I say this as someone who has experienced trauma. We very easily see 'bad things' in perfectly normal situations because we are so primed and hypervigilant looking for threats. Has your DP had any therapy to help him with everything he's been through?

I'd say no.

@mindutopia hit the nail on the head. 👌

No neither of those situations was grooming.

I agree with @mindutopia there can be some mature girls at 15, and like you say HE was a virgin at 17, but you weren’t. I think that if that was the other way round and you had been the virgin and he was more experienced sexually than that would be an alarm bell. You were both children. And if it had felt wrong you would be able to tell by now.

I have male friends who think all men are predators and will easily look at everything as a predatory move. Eg some guy came and played football with my son in the park is interpreted as ‘it was a way to impress you, hit on you.’ Or innocent chat somewhere in a group, “oh that guy only said that to see you naked.” Errr ?

I think men who are protective especially can see the world in a more blinkered way.

I agree with everything @mindutopia said.

Your DP is projecting his own history here. His trauma is affecting him here but that doesn't mean he gets to tell you how to feel about your own history.

Another vote for @mindutopia Your relationship with the 17 year old sounds perfectly normal for that age. The other one is also not particularly weird considering the context nor that there was any power imbalance (unless you slept with him to get free drugs and he insisted but that certainly doesn't sound like it here?)

Due to my SIL's job, she comes across a lot of very disturbed people and it can make it quite difficult for her to remember that she sees this at a disproportionately high level. It does sound like your Dh needs support to deal with his trauma - and let's be 100% clear if he had a relationship with a teacher he absolutely was in an abusive relationship and was groomed and he legitimately has a lot that he needs to unpack.

Neither sound like grooming to me.

I think your Partner wants to write off these relationships as "grooming", so that he can feel as though he is your first legitimate boyfriend. Quite why he would want to do this is a mystery - controlling / narcissistic personality maybe?

I also find it a bit insulting to you - the fact that he's insinuating, that because you're a female, that you never had any autonomy over your own body or decisions. This happens a lot and I find it molly coddling.

How many women have been "let off" crimes, or been given stupidly lenient jail sentences, because "they were coerced by a man in to committing the crime". It's as if women are viewed as a bit thick, or too "ditsy" to realise what was happening. It's insulting to women in general.

Look at Maxine Carr. She knew what Huntly had done and covered for him. She only spent 21 months in prison. It's a joke.

Sounds like a normal shagging history to me.

Your DP is being oversensitive and projecting his own experience onto yours.

No grooming.

Thanks for all your replies. Great for some input.

And no the second one it deffo was not sleep with him for a bit of weed lol. I was young and naive and I really thought he was the love of my life coz I kept going back to him but reality it was more the comfortableness of being around him and not wanting to be alone...

Well you'd be the only one who could say for sure whether there was any exploitation or coercion or even persuasion, but I think your DP is very much seeing your past through the lens of his own experience.

Both relationships sound quite innocent to me (based on what you've said). No 1 a normal teenage age difference, and no 2 seemed to develop from being local acquaintances to a relationship of sorts as initiated by you when older.

What do you think? Are there amy aspects you remember that jump out as uncomfortable?

@Catlord I don't see any issues. Certainly not with the first one. The second one I can't say but I still don't think I was groomed because I perused him and infact it was meant to be just a one night stand and never spoken about it was awkward but a few days later we got talking and one thing led to another we were having this no strings friends with benefits situation for quite some time before love was on the cards etc. the only thing that makes me think is that it was never official even though everyone we knew knew about us. We knew each others families through each other too. So again I can't put my finger on it