Why can't I just get past this?

[JustSoStuck]

During my upbringing, I was simultaneously told that I needed to be married in order to have any hope of living a meaningful existence but that I lacked any of the physical qualities to attract a man and also that I lacked any of the other qualities (submissiveness, compliance etc) to make up for that fact but that getting married (and changing myself so that that might be possible) was the only thing I needed to focus on. Education and a career was a waste of time because men weren't interested in those things. Even though if all the above were true, I'd need to he able to support myself, surely. But no, the best I could hope for is that I dampen down who I am, become as inoffensive and middle of the road as possible and hope that someone, who had exhausted all other options, might settle for me.

I'm appoproaching my 50s now.

Because the above was such a deeply entrenched core belief, I've never really had a real relationship. I've dated and had flings but, because I always knew that I wasn't LTR material, I never took them seriously or ever regarded any of them as potentially long term and tended to end relationships after 6 months.

I've now, finally, been in a relationship for 18 months. He's great. But I still can't get away from the past. Because I don't have a perfect body, because I don't have a beautiful face, because I'm not unopinionated, docile, compliant etc I can't imagine how he could possibly be genuinely interested. I can't see how he is not comparing me to others and being constantly disappointed, I believe he is settling for me because he's concluded that, at his age, he probably isnt going to do any better.

I've had counselling and therapy. Logically, I know that the above was wrong. I don't apply the same standards to other people. I'm pretty confident in every other area of life but because I'm not what I'm 'supposed' to be, I feel none of everything else I am matters.

But I'm so harshly critical of myself. Even when I'm feeling good and positive about myself and confident, that little voice pops up reminding me of the ways in which I fail and the confidence just dissipates. Even if I try and ignore it, or use positive self talk to quieten it. It's too late and the damage is done.

At nearly 50 and with a nice partner in hand isn’t it time to lay these ghost to bed ? Once and for all ?
I’ve had psycherapy this past year , mainly to support me with some home family and also life issues

for the first time I’ve gone back to childhood
ugh 😑!! It’s painful but also kind of necessary

I think you need some extra help here x

It is, I know.

I've had the therapy, done the work and generally I'm in an OK place. But this is the final hurdle I just can't get over it.

It's not like I'm sitting around moping and dwelling on it but it comes back and it's so quick that I don't have time to use any strategies and then it's in there.

I know it makes no sense but I'm not able to control my emotional response to it.

I suppose over the years there's been so much 'evidence' to support it that it feels like I'm denying science!

I know where it comes from, I know why it happened, I know it wasn't me.

I understand that my mum was projecting her own fears of not being good enough on to me.

But the observations she made about me were true.

I think you have to accept your mum's observations as not "true" but "true for her." True for her based on her limited worldview. (I speak as someone who learned Philip Larkin's "This Be the Verse" by heart from an early age!) She focused on (and therefore you dismiss yourself for): imperfect body, not beautiful face, opinionated, not easily bossed around, etc.

Your partner must feel differently, or he wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes with you. I'm guessing he probably finds you mature, intelligent, balanced and reliable, among many other qualities that he's attracted to in you.

Beauty, both internal and external, is in the eye of the beholder.

I'm familiar with lingering insecurity of this kind because my DH and I have an age gap so large that it raises eyebrows (I'm older than him) and inevitably people question his motives for being with me. Of course, he could have someone more attractive and probably more "fun" as defined by our culture. But he'd rather be with me. We tend not to bother with a social life because we enjoy each other's company so much.

Sometimes, I still wonder why he finds me so special. We just spent a weekend with a crowd of lovely people, including some very pretty, sweet and fun SINGLE women of his age. All he could say when they left was "NOW do you see why I'm with you?!" And I sort of get it. It's my way of seeing the world, it matches his. We feel utterly comfortable with each other. No need for bullshit about anything. No playing games.

Try and relax and accept the reality of how much you simply enjoy each other without pretending. That is what people spend a lifetime searching for. You don't give it up for a more beautiful body or a more compliant/docile partner, especially if you don't find compliant/docile people particularly interesting.

Perhaps ask him to help you with this? Just as a fun exercise, list the words your mum used to describe you and ask him to suggest alternatives. Bear in mind, though, that he might not have words for all the qualities that he admires in you.