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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

MIL has bipolar and is emotionally blackmailing my OH

22 replies

Ellzeee · 18/06/2023 23:51

Okay, so to preface, I don’t know much about bipolar disorder, I really do not want to offend anyone but I’m looking for help and guidance I guess. This is probably going to be super duper long so bare with.

My partner (we’ll call him Reece) and I have been together 4 years. We don’t live together yet, but we’re thinking about taking that step until this all happened.

Reeces Mom has bi-polar disorder, and within the last year she has had 2/3 episodes where she’s been on the verge of a breakdown.

So Mom has been mostly fine for the past 8 years. She was sectioned before when Reece was a teenager, and he was left to deal with the aftermath.

Around Christmas time this year, she just stopped taking her medication. Because of everything that was going on (understandably) I did not get to see Reece over Christmas, which sucked hugely, but things were bad and he needed to get Mom sorted.

Mom lives at home with Reece, Reece’s younger brother and Stepdad. Neither of them really speak to Mom, none of them work (Mom obviously cannot work, no reason why step-Dad and brother don’t). Step Dad does not even acknowledge Moms existence. In fact it is so bad, that the only time Mom gets any attention is when Reece is home.

Reece is a good boy, he works, he helps me out and will ALWAYS help out his Mom. So before Xmas, we had started spending a bit more time together so he wasn’t at home so much. Mom stopped taking her medication. Reece was left to deal with the fall out of this, as none of his other family really bothered. His extended family rely solely on him to do everything for his Mom.
So when this was going on, his job suffered, our relationship suffered and his mental health suffered because he had all this pressure to help Mom out and no support from anybody. Ultimately he got her medication etc sorted and she seemed on the mend.

We go back to only seeing each other a couple times a week, so he’s back home mostly and everything seems okay.

Then recently we spend a lot of time together again, and Mom starts getting worse. But now she is starting to be nasty to Reece, even though he is trying to help her. When I hear her talking to him, she’s emotionally blackmailing him and saying things like “oh we never see you anymore.” And “would be nice if you came over, no one talks to me except for you.” And then talking shit about Reece to his Nan. Saying that they (Reece and his brother) would not care if she died and they don’t care about her. Even though Reece would do anything for her. She IS taking her meds, so he has no idea what is wrong.

When Reece got upset about what she had been saying she started apologising profusely and begging for forgiveness and saying he was her favourite and she loved him.

She also showed up at my place, after speaking to Reece about some food she wanted to give him, he said he’s get it the next day, but instead she showed up at my door with it.

Obviously, I feel awful for Reece, and I feel awful making this post. I’m trying to support him the best I can, I know she cannot help it. But I just wonder when will it end? Because I see a pattern happening here, and obviously I could be reading too far into things, I’ve never dealt with anyone who suffers with Bipolar before Mom, so I don’t want to be assuming spiteful things. I feel that she emotionally blackmails him but I don’t feel like it’s intentional, so I kinda keep my mouth shut. I feel like she does not want Reece spending time with me, and would rather he was there.

I just get frustrated because Reece is having to deal with this on his own because the family just don’t seem to care. But she is progressively getting worse and I don’t know how to help him.

There is way more to this story’, but I feel like I’ve said quite a bit. I’m really sorry if this offends anybody but I don’t know how to help, support or how he can help and support his Mom.

Any advice would be much appreciated - hopefully this makes sense!

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 18/06/2023 23:59

He doesn’t have to.
You’ve been together four years but his mum comes first. This won’t change.

Thelnebriati · 19/06/2023 00:01

She's a manipulative person who has bi-polar disorder, its not the illness making her behave that way. (I have BPD type 2).
It will make no difference what you suggest; unless she actively wants to change it won't help. What she is doing is called 'triangulation'.

I doubt its the case that the rest of the family don't care. Its just as likely they have learned they can't help her or change her, and have backed away. Even if they were more involved the problem is her unhealthy relationship with Reese.

Reese is enabling her behaviour, you can't fix this situation.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/06/2023 00:02

You should be running for the hills. You can't fix this, don't make their problems your burden.

Original poster

Ellzeee · 19/06/2023 00:05

This is where I feel awful though.

As I don’t understand the disorder, I don’t want to say something that is cruel. I don’t think Reece understands himself, all I know is he was left to deal with it at a young age by himself, and now by himself.

They all rely on him to sort Mom out - they have even said to him over text/calls/f2f that he needs to deal with her and guilt trip him into doing so.

I have no idea what is the disorder and what is her personality, which is why I hate to say anything.

Thank you for responding though, as this is something I have been worried about.

OP posts:

Thelnebriati · 19/06/2023 00:21

They all rely on him to sort Mom out - they have even said to him over text/calls/f2f that he needs to deal with her and guilt trip him into doing so.

Is that his family or mental health services? They don't seem to care what effect it has on his mental health.
Its a very sad and unhealthy situation, but this is not within your control to fix. You could suggest Reece has therapy for himself. so that he can learn new ways to deal with her manipulative behaviour and cope with the fallout. But you can't do it for him.

Original poster

Ellzeee · 19/06/2023 00:36

Thelnebriati · 19/06/2023 00:21

They all rely on him to sort Mom out - they have even said to him over text/calls/f2f that he needs to deal with her and guilt trip him into doing so.

“They” as in his family. He has 2 brothers, stepdad, Moms sister and Nan, all of them have washed their hands with the situation and left it up to Reece.

I worry as according to them Mom has history of being violent, and she is now becoming aggressive with him. He is really struggling.

I don’t know how to sort of say that she’s manipulating him, as I have tried to beat around the bush with it but he won’t have it …

OP posts:

Thelnebriati · 19/06/2023 11:14

This sounds like a very bad situation. You are in a relationship with someone who is in a coercive and controlling relationship with the rest of his family.

You could contact adult social services. Tell them about how he is coerced by both his family members and his mother, and how her aggression is escalating.
It seen as a red flag behaviour by mental health services as well as social services.
If they investigate its likely all of the family will rally round, deny there's a problem, and then turn on the person they suspect reported them.

If you do this, you need to do this for him, to try to improve his situation. Not in the hope you can improve your relationship. And he won't thank you for it. He's been living like this for so long, he's never known anything else and can't see it from an outsiders perspective.

Alcemeg · 19/06/2023 11:22

He's grown up feeling responsible for her welfare, and he is unlikely ever to shake off that feeling.

I'm afraid you're in a sort of "threesome" in this relationship.

Newyearnewmeow · 19/06/2023 11:31

If he shuts down your concerns about her behaviour towards him then he’s a lost cause. It will never end!
You need to scrap your relationship with him. You’re the one who will suffer the most.

JFDIYOLO · 19/06/2023 12:13

There are three people in this relationship. You, him and her. It's not going to change. The family have maneuevred into a place where Reece has all the burden - and that suits them fine.

She is ill, manipulative and abusive (maybe or maybe not because of the illness)

He is an untrained unsupported carer trying his best with a shitty situation

They are lazy, selfish and useless

You are stuck in the middle of this nightmare. You don't have to fix anything or take any of their responsibilities or duties on. This isn't your burden.

Do you want to stay in this relationship?

Is he The One?

If yes, this isn't going to go away and it will affect you for the rest of her life.

Sounds like you are in the US - is there any help available from social services etc?

If no, sounds like you need to make a decision for your own wellbeing.

Superdupes · 19/06/2023 12:21

You'll be playing second fiddle in this relationship until the day she dies. Are you sure that's what you want?

Original poster

Ellzeee · 19/06/2023 12:31

So slight update, thank you all for your responses.

I understand where you are all coming from, I love this boy to death but is getting hard for me. I don’t want to leave him for two reasons;

I love him
I’m scared that if our relationship crumbled he has 0 support.

The psychiatrist is involved but they aren’t doing anything other than bringing her hormone injections forward.

i messaged his aunty, I don’t know if that was the right thing to do and I probably effed up but I was nice and just said he is struggling and would benefit from some more support. She’s read me off so maybe I’ve made things worse.

I’m not sure where to go from here, I feel if I contacted the social he would never forgive me…

OP posts:

unfortunateevents · 19/06/2023 12:43

What do you mean - she's read you off?

Original poster

Ellzeee · 19/06/2023 12:45

unfortunateevents · 19/06/2023 12:43

What do you mean - she's read you off?

I mean she read my message 2 hours ago but hasn’t replied. She might be busy though…

OP posts:

CovertImage · 19/06/2023 12:54

Why do you keep calling him a boy - how old is he?

Please don't contact social services to say he's being "coerced by his family members" as suggested above. He's a grown man and he has the option of leaving his - presumably - mum's house and getting his own place if it's that bad. If he doesn't want to leave, maybe he can contact them on his own behalf to ask for support for himself or help for his mum.

Original poster

Ellzeee · 19/06/2023 13:00

CovertImage · 19/06/2023 12:54

Why do you keep calling him a boy - how old is he?

I would not call them anyway, it’s not my place to. I’m just worried about him.

I don’t mean anything by it, just a figure of speech

OP posts:

Bababear987 · 19/06/2023 13:05

If hes a grown adult social services wont do anything. Hes choosing to help care for his mum and carer strain isn't unusual, so theres not a lot they can or will do for him. They could possibly try and get her care but with 2 non workers and 3 capable adults in the house I'm not sure how easy that would be.

I would just sit him down and be blunt, tell him how much you love him and you know how hard hes trying but if you can't move forward in your relationship and he can't step back from his mum then really what are you both doing? Being in love isn't enough sometimes.

Bababear987 · 19/06/2023 13:07

You could also put of to him like this. That he can't pour from an empty cup, hes giving so much to her that he will lose himself and you can't watch him do that

IncognitoMam · 19/06/2023 13:13

How very sad. I know you love him but I can't see anything changing? She'd probably start the suicide threats if he pulled away.

3487642I · 19/06/2023 13:21

So this woman lives in a house with her husband and on a daily basis he acts like she doesn't exist? The two people she lives with don't speak to her? This sounds properly abusive.

PuffinsRocks · 19/06/2023 13:22

She IS taking her meds, so he has no idea what is wrong.
Bipolar disorder doesn't make you an arsehole, being an arsehole makes you an arsehole. You need to separate the two things and he needs to recognise that he can't fix her personality. I'm sure she's lovely when she wants to be but there's clearly a reason everyone else is LC/NC with her. Sometimes people don't help themselves until we drop the rope.

BMW6 · 19/06/2023 20:25

This is very sad.

What does Reece say about your future together in regards to hus Mum?

Is he always going to put her as no. 1 in his life?

What if you had children? Would they (and you) then become his priority?

Sorry but unless he manages to step away from her significantly I can't see that you have a future together. His ties to his Mum will ultimately destroy your relationship with him.

Flip