Husband thinks he’s autistic

[DecentPleasant]

I’d like to support him and make adaptations but am feeling extremely confused. He shouted at me for about the third time in our 25 years together. We were having (mostly my) friends over and I had spent Thursday and Friday cleaning/tidying/baking/cooking and couldn’t do a planned family games night on the Friday because there was still stuff to do. He’d had a big sulk and retreated upstairs to watch TV leaving me to do the children plus everything else.
I had been away with work so really felt I wanted to tidy and clean up anyway. I wasn’t moaning about it I just wanted everything to be nice.
He just stopped speaking to me. When the friends arrived he stayed out of the way apart from when it was good time. When they’d gone he told me he didn’t feel welcome in his own house. I am so sad and raging about this because I’d left him alone as he told me I’d made him sad.
I don’t want this drama again. What ‘allowances’ do I need to be making? Involve him? I’ve asked him but didn’t get a proper response.

If he is autistic (would he go for diagnosis btw?) he might struggle with the change of plans/routine. I know I do. People coming to the house needs to be managed carefully with our household and generally we go out to see friends rather than have them round because home is our safe space.
That said, you need to know what his needs are. If he can't/won't communicate them, maybe see if he will see a therapist, diagnosis or no. Happy to chat if you wish!

Hi are there reasons why your husband thinks he’s autistic? Diagnoses in the family?

Not excusing the shouting but if family night is a regular thing he may have struggled with the change in routine and resented your friends for this?

Sounds like you came back from your work trip with lots to do in the home. If your husband is autistic he may have executive function difficulties e.g.seeing what needs tidying and cleaning, being physically capable of doing them but not being able to organise himself to get on with tasks.

You could have given him certain jobs to do to free you up to join in family fun night.
If he wants to explore diagnosis, there will be an adult pathway available via your GP. May be a lengthy wait.

First he goes to the GP or he goes private and gets a diagnosis.

DD is (relatively) low needs which your husband must be if he has gone this long undiagnosed. She needs single stage instructions. She gets overwhelmed by cacophony of sounds so needs noise cancelling headphones. She gets peopled out quickly and needs lots of downtime. She likes to be part of the planning when we do things out of the ordinary. If she gets massively overwhelmed she doesn't meltdown which is very physical but shutdowns which is more internalised and emotional and it can make her lose the ability to talk until she's regulated herself.

What she isn't is purposefully rude. Your example doesn't sound like he's autistic, just that he was rude as you'd been away.

My husband is definitely autistic but doesn’t actually recognise it ! I have gently suggested it to him for about 5 years but he just ignores my concerns.It’s positive that he does recognise that his brain is wired differently so encourage him to be assessed .

Off topic slightly, but you can assessments more quickly if you go right to choose with Psychiatry UK

psychiatry-uk.com/right-to-choose-asd/

Worth looking at and free if your partners are looking to get diagnosed.
Your GP can refer you

When did he decide this and what’s he been like before when it’s come to hosting? If he is autistic it didn’t happen overnight meaning he can suddenly opt out of parenting and housework.