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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

*trigger warning* was this sexual assault or a one night stand?

15 replies

9hundred24thousand600minutes · 18/06/2023 21:16

I've name changed for this post.

This happened around 20 years ago but I still think about it often and am undecided whether this was just a one night stand or something else. I've also experienced sexual abuse so I'm not sure if I'm minimising or overreacting to this!

The simple version is that, when I was 18, I went on a night out with some friends. Whilst out, I bumped into a group of men from my Saturday job who were mid-late 20s. We drank lots and I went back to their hotel and had sex with one of them.

However, the longer version is that during the night they bought me lots of drinks and I was so drunk that I can't remember going back to the hotel. The man I slept with was in his late 20s & a senior manager at work. I'd never liked him in that way at all before. I can't remember having sex with him as I was so drunk and afterwards the other men in the group opened the bedroom door, mocked me, took the sheets off the bed I was on and took photos of me naked.

We didnt use a condom and I was really annoyed at myself afterwards as I was really adamant that I would never sleep with someone without one (I'd only slept with one person before this). The next morning I took the MAP which didn't work & resulted in a pregnancy.

A short while afterwards, I found out from one of the group that they had taken bets about who would sleep with me, deliberately found me on the night out after hearing my plans, planned to get me drunk, take photos etc to annoy another member of staff who had spoken about me in a protective way. The photos were taken to show him what had happened.

As an adult, I can appreciate how young I was and how morally it was very wrong. However, I feel like I was responsible for getting myself into the situation and it's quite a grey area. I've always referred to it as a one night stand if anyone has mentioned it.

OP posts:
AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 18/06/2023 21:19

It was rape. Premeditated rape. Who knows what they would've done if they couldn't get you that drunk. They were obviously on a mission. I say this as someone who had loads of ONS, sober and drunk. This was not a ONS .

I'm sorry this happened to you. Flowers

VeryUninspired · 18/06/2023 21:19

I’m sorry you went through this. I’d say as you were so drunk you cannot remember having sex, and the premeditated nature of this makes it sound like an assault to me.

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 18/06/2023 21:21

You don't even remember going to the hotel as you were so drunk and therefore did not consent to the sex. Sorry OP but that makes it rape.

The others taking photos and mocking you is horribly abusive. I assume they told you all this afterwards?

SwordToFlamethrower · 18/06/2023 21:21

100% without a doubt it was rape. I'm so sorry this happened to you 😢 if you kept the baby then your child is a secondary victim of rape too.

BounceyB · 18/06/2023 21:27

I'm quite conservative about these matters and what you describe is rape and sexual assault. Plying you with drinks, sex that you don't remember and taking pictures of you without consent is definitely assault.

Yetisrus · 18/06/2023 21:30

I've had plenty of ONS's, some I've regretted the next morning but never anything like that (the men in fairness have always been lovely).

What you describe is assault and taking pictures of you to show someone is absolutely awful.

9hundred24thousand600minutes · 19/06/2023 00:13

Wow, thanks for the responses. There all definitive too which I wasn't expecting.

I did keep the baby. She's now an adult and I find it hard that such an amazing person was created from such a horrible time!

OP posts:
Naunet · 19/06/2023 08:06

I’m so sorry that happened to you OP, those men are vile creature and certainly rapists.

Deathbyfluffy · 19/06/2023 08:13

That’s absolutely awful, I’m so sorry that happened to you.
For disclosure I’m a man and I’ve worked with ‘this kind’ of man before - thankfully I choose my social circle very carefully so work is the only time I’ll have to deal with these types, but it’s incredibly irritating that women are seen the way they are by a very small minority.

As much as it is awful (and I’m not downplaying it for a second) I’d focus on the good that came from it - your wonderful DC.

briansgardenshed · 19/06/2023 08:16

This was rape. You did not consent to this.

All these things are evidence, (not that you need it), that you did not have consensual sex. Age difference, senior manager (power), you didn't ever find him attractive, your youth, a group of them, pre-meditated, no consent, photos, no condom, alcohol. This was rape. I am so very sorry.

Daffodil18 · 19/06/2023 18:34

Yes definitely wasn’t consensual. I hope you’ve had therapy for this.

Ofcourseshecan · 19/06/2023 18:46

Definitely rape, as they deliberately planned to get you helplessly drunk. The mockery, verbal abuse, photos etc just add to what vile creatures they were. I doubt if this was their only crime, and I hope justice eventually caught up with them.

Glad you have a lovely DD and I hope the bad memories don’t get you down.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 19/06/2023 18:47

Yes rape, sounds like they drugged you. Sorry you have had this happen to you 😞

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 19/06/2023 18:48

It was rape. I remember going out with a guy from a restaurant I worked out and I'd arranged to stay at his place. I didn't want to have sex but I knew if I didn't he would take advantage. I didn't want to go home and face my parents. I felt that was rape so definitely what happened to you was. I'm sorry x

Alcemeg · 19/06/2023 18:56

Christ almighty, OP, that was a hard read Flowers

Well done for being so resilient.

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